As I’ve gotten older, the idea of the “internet’s boyfriend” is no longer well with my soul. What I need is the “internet’s husband.” (Right now if you listen very closely, you can hear my mother screaming, “No, Julie! You need the real husband so I can get the real grandchild.” Sure, Mom.)
Just like the internet’s boyfriend, the internet’s husband is that man you lust after, but the lust is different. Whereas the internet’s boyfriend may inspire fantasies that are on par with a Christina Lauren sex scene, the internet’s husband still stars in your sexual fantasy but also takes the lead role in your dream about going to Pottery Barn and being told, “Let’s pick out a farmhouse dining table together.”
You send your friends GIFs of the internet’s boyfriend saying something sexually provocative or giving that look that makes you remember you have a very much active sex drive.
The internet’s husband has GIFs that are more self deprecating and do not require you to hide your phone in a crowded room.
So I began my search for the internet’s husband. I ran through the holy Chris quadrant – Pine, Pratt, Hemsworth, Evans – my ride or die Jamie Dornan, fist pumping Henry Cavill, and even new gin owner Ryan Reynolds. However, when the dust settled, only one man remained; the one man who I could picture coaching our child’s soccer team on a Saturday morning or mobile ordering my Starbucks coffee without having been asked – the tried and true internet’s husband.
Who is this man for me? Jake Johnson.
For the past few years, Jake Johnson – and sure, Nick Miller – has been on our radar as that guy who you would look so good standing next to in an engagement announcement photo. When talking about the man I would eventually like to claim on my taxes, nine times out of ten I’m describing Jake Johnson.
So why should he be considered the internet’s husband?
Where do I even begin?
*Disclaimer: Yes, I already know that Jake Johnson is married. It’s a fantasy. Calm yourself.
Because He Appreciates the Rich Tapestry of Historical Storytelling…
…Especially if it’s fueled by alcohol.
Not many people know this, but Jake Johnson is the inspiration behind Comedy Central’s Drunk History.
If you’re asking me, “What is Drunk History?” you’re clearly not living your best life.
Because This Kiss Is and Will Always Be End Game
And of course, this:
Because He’s Easily Accessible…Through His AirDrop
Chances are I’ve talked about this moment. An even greater chance is I’ll talk about again and have it engraved on my tombstone.
This past Comic Con, while we braved Hall H for the Warner Bros. panel, Jake Johnson arrived to promote Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.
Even to this day, I have no idea what he said during that panel because in my mind, I was screaming, “I am in the presence of Nick Miller.” After that portion ended and I captured him slo-mo walking off the stage, Bekah asked me to air drop a picture to her and that’s when I noticed it.
For one beautiful moment, I had immediate access to Jake Johnson’s AirDrop. The best part? He named his phone, “jake johnson.” Pure poetry. Capitalizing proper nouns be damned.
So with such access, what did I try to send him? No, not nudes, you heathens.
Please note the look on my face, which revealed my failed attempt to keep my chill about this moment. Unfortunately, he never received this and saved it as his “jake johnson’s iPhone” wallpaper.
Because Nick and Schmidt’s Love is Real
Sure, New Girl had its final season last year, but the bond between Nick and Schmidt lives on in Instagram. We’re #blessed just to witness it:
If these two ever have a falling out with each other and stop speaking, there is no hope for humanity. Their friendship is a national treasure that must be protected AT ALL COSTS.
Because He’s An Ally
Immediately following the nightmare that was Kavanaugh’s appointment to the Supreme Court, Jake Johnson took to Twitter to air his thoughts. Be prepared to fall in love in 3, 2, 1…
Regardless of your political feelings on Kavanaugh, I think we, as men, can ALL agree that we need to do a better job of making women feel safe. I’m not looking for the same boring left vs right debate. I think we, as men, can all do better. I want/need to do better.
— jake johnson (@MrJakeJohnson) October 7, 2018
“I think we, as men, can all do better. I want/need to do better” is perhaps one of the most beautiful and encouraging responses a man could give after a horrific moment like that. It’s what we want our all our male allies to say, especially to other men. It acknowledges not just others’ roles, but his own responsibilities in making a world where women deserve safety and respect.
Can we please just have more Jake Johnson’s in the world?