No really, I’m asking. I wasn’t allowed to take public school sex-ed.
This week The Bachelorette gave us a bunch of goths drinking at an unhappy hour, an appearance by Governor Ralph Northam, oyster harvesting, and one of the bachelors coming unglued. They’re such a blessing to us all.
Surprise, Jason is hot
Once the men settled into their Richmond based hotel suite and tiny Chris picked a fight with convicted sex-offender/fake-accent-haver Lincoln, Jason got the first date card which promised him a surprising day. I’m not sure what was surprising about touring churches and an Edgar Allen Poe museum, but it was all worth it to see how uncomfortable Becca looked surrounded by the Poe-inspired goth social club at unhappy hour.
Also not surprising was how much Becca kept making out with Jason. The man has swagger. It doesn’t matter that he’s not the most attractive man left, he’s confident, secure, kind, and thoughtful. Plus, he looks like Andrew Keegan in the 90’s before he started a cult that got raided for illegally distributing kombucha. Can’t argue with that. Becca continued the surprises by bringing in a group of Jason’s better looking friends to visit and then they had dinner where he got the date rose after breaking my heart with a story about his grandma having Alzheimer’s.
Wait, is that the governor?
The group date in Richmond involved one reality TV show host, one registered sex offender, and seven mostly white men lobbing insults at one another during a debate on the steps of the state capitol. So, politics as usual. Garrett, Blake, Wills, Connor, Lincoln, Chris and Colton got a brief history lesson from Abe Lincoln and George Washington impersonators before being asked dating questions from Chris Harrison and, wait, is that Virginia’s Governor Ralph Northam asking Colton what his idea of the perfect date is? I give up on this country.
Becca likes them dumb and hot
During the debate Lincoln and Chris kept sniping at each other for no reason other than that they both like to hear themselves speak. Apparently Chris thought Lincoln was body-shaming him for having lost 100lbs in the past but honestly, Chris talked about food so much that I’m starting to think he was just hangry. Someone get that man a baguette. At the debate after party, Lincoln (the convicted sex offender not the 16th president of the United States) told Becca that he was scared of Chris. Chris tried to defend himself but it just made Becca more frustrated. It got to the point that Garrett had to tell both of them to stop ruining the night for everyone else. Of course, he said it much less eloquently because Garrett is hot, but dumb. Just like Becca likes them. Meanwhile, hot but dumb Colton distracted Becca with his tongue so he got the group date rose.
Leo never lets go
The next day, long haired Leo joined Becca for a mostly silent plane ride to the Virginia coastline. Unfortunately for us Becca was so far in her own head from the group date that she didn’t even think to ask Leo about his hair care routine. Now we’ll never know how he gets those bouncy curls. They shivered while harvesting oysters out of the freezing bay but somehow kept themselves from shaking their fists at the sky and asking why they’re in Virginia instead of Paris. They shared private family stories in front of all of us at dinner and then they danced and kissed on a platform at a Morgan Evans concert. I don’t know who that is either, but next time he needs to pick a slow song because no one should be asked to fast dance in front of a crowd. In the end, Leo got the date rose despite kissing like your grandparents at their fiftieth wedding anniversary party.
Becca needs a restraining order
When Leo arrived back at the hotel with his date rose Chris stood up and ran out of the door yelling something about Lincoln being a monster because he eats 12 eggs a day. I told you, he’s hangry. He went straight to Becca’s hotel in his skin tight jeans to convince her that nothing she thinks is real because he knows everything. It didn’t matter what Becca said, Chris had an excuse and someone else to blame. He’s the type of man who manipulates people, or maybe just women, at every turn. But our girl Becca wasn’t having it. She told him that it was his time to go and tried to walk him out to the car of shame. But Chris is a big baby who would be the type to dox her on the internet if they were dating IRL so he wouldn’t let her. Bye Chris, see you never. Oh wait, no, they’ve confirmed that he’ll bring his creepy ways to Bachelor in Paradise this summer. I hope he gets bit by one of those giant crabs.
That dress though
With Chris gone, only eight men remained for the cocktail party, but Becca came dressed to slay in a gown that none of them deserved so she skipped straight to the rose ceremony. This week it was Connor and Lincoln going home. In any other timeline, Lincoln’s exit would have been the big story, but since his whole sexual assault conviction thing, they edited him out. That meant Connor and his giant bow tie spoke on camera for perhaps the first time all season. You earned it, Connor’s bow tie.
Next week Becca and her six remaining boyfriends will be in the Bahamas but I’ll be on vacation in…wait for it…Virginia. I know, the irony, it burns. I may write a post. I may not. It all depends on how much the men
and my children annoy me. Until then, let’s talk in the comments about how much Chris sucks.