This was an excellent episode, and it was tough to pick just 5, but here are the top moments of Vikings – A Simple Message:
Things are looking pretty grim for “Hivar’s” quest to rule Norway after the beat down handed them by Bjorn and Lagertha. But Hvitserk may just have the solution we’ve all been waiting for: ROLLLLLLLLLLLO!!!!!!!!
Can I get an “Amen”?
Yes! Hvitsy proposes he call in a favor from his fave uncle Rollo, and use the might of the Frankish army to crush Kattegatt. Hvitserk returns with the Franks to Vestfold in record time (seriously, like a week), and everyone waits anxiously for Rollo to swagger up the docks. Only a matter of time until our favorite Vikings appears in his majestic glory. Like, any minute now. Wait – is that him? Noooooo. Okay, where the Hell is he already?
Oh, sorry Vikings fans! Turns out Rollo didn’t come because “all the responsibilities”!
Are you kidding us with this tease?! Congratulations, showrunners, you win the first season 5 use of our fave Vikings gif:
Things may be tense in New Flokistan, but when it comes time to dedicate the new temple to Thor and get his blessing for a prosperous and fashion-foward future, Aud Flatnosedottir brings it. This look screams “we have all made a terrible, terrible mistake following this lunatic to this rocky outcrop and, most likely, our grisly deaths, but maybe it will work out if we just respect the sanctity of this rather large pile of twigs and look mahvalous doing it, dammit!”
New Flokistan’s Coat of Arms
Unfortunately, the flock proves that it can’t achieve even these most basic requirements by not only burning the temple down, but also having this haircut:
Long story short: they are doomed.
Lagertha makes a convert
Back in Lagertha’s camp, Heahmund is waking up from a nasty back wound, and also from the idea that all of his sexy feelings are sinful. Lagertha and Heahmund get right down to it, launching right into a spiritual mindmeld, talking fate, humanity, and love. Heahmund’s sexy times, while plentiful, have always been followed by a strict regimen of self-abuse for atonement. Lagertha blows Heahmund’s mind by confirming that her gods not only condone the physical love, but encourage it, and Heahmund wants to make it clear that he is down with that:
A butter-voiced, manly man – got it, Lags?
He has got it bad, and I am here for that!
To Bee or not to Bee?
After issuing a dire warning to his command about the growing threat the Norseman pose to the entirety of Saxony, Aethelwulf retires to his study, suffers a bee sting, and dies.
What is the significance of this sequence of kingdom-altering events? Bees often symbolize royalty, so by swatting the bee and hastening his demise, was Aethelwulf subconsciously recognizing that he was not up to the task of leading in a changing world? Was he acting on the truth that Wessex needs a different type of king, and purposely set in motion a power struggle between his warrior son and his statesman son to see which would prevail? Or was he just being kind of an impatient idiot who would rather risk death by allergic reaction than wait for about 10 seconds for the bee to fly away on its own?
We’ll never know because, ultimately, the answer for Aethwulf is “not to bee.” #sorrynotsorry
So much hot
“Heahgertha” takes one step closer to becoming reality when the action moves to Lagertha’s tent, where Heahmund is coming at Lagertha like they’re hanging in the freshman dorm contemplating the universe after a few shots of pomegranate-flavored Absolut. He wants to know her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her turn-ons and turn-offs, and, above all, he wants her to know that HE WILL TOTALLY DIE FOR HER AND THAT’S NOT JUST THE VODKA TALKING!
You are the most interesting!!! Ever!!!
Lags is playing it super-chill, taking her time blowing out the candles, setting the mood, but she also has a question:
Damn, gurl!!!! 100%!!!!
The episode closes with an epic montage of shifting alliances, betrayal, and brewing conflict. Alfred’s crowning! Aethelred’s stink eye! Burning temples! Murder! All the kneeling! Christian hymns morph into Norse chants! This!
IMHO this may be the best 5 minutes of the season so far! The finale is shaping up to be amazing, so tune in next week for our last thoughts on Vikings season 5! Until then
Vikings images courtesy of the History Channel