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Go ahead and congratulate yourself, we’re officially two weeks into Arie’s season of The Bachelor and you haven’t completely given up hope for humanity yet. It’s good to celebrate the little things. If you missed my last state of The Bachelor nation address, this is where we’ll be talking about all the best parts in the episodes, any pressing Bachelor gossip, our fantasy league, and generally rejoice that I am not writing full recaps this season. I’m going to try to avoid the use of the term “pillow lips” to describe Arie, but I can’t make any promises.
Arie’s premiere episode was the usual mix of a wet driveway, average looking man, and beautiful women who are genetically predisposed to Stockholm Syndrome. I was going to make another joke about the average age of the women this season being 10 years younger than Arie, but then I thought about the crippling student debt they probably all have and decided not to pile on.
Stand outs were Tia with her “little weiner” introduction, Bekah M. with her cool-girl vibe, and first impression rose recipient, Chelsea who apparently stole Season 20’s villain Olivia Caridi’s face in what I can only assume was a Nicholas Cage/John Travolta Face-Off situation. The episode ended with most of the women of color going home at the rose ceremony. They’re not calling it a throwback season of The Bachelor for nothing.
With the formalities out of the way, the second episode gifted us with two one-on-one dates, one giant group date, and a rose ceremony. Arie promised both of his one-on-one dates surprises, but he really should have followed that up with a caveat, because Becca (so adorable, good chemistry) ended up with a rack of clothes from Rachel Zoe, Christian Louboutin shoes, Neil Lane diamonds, and a confetti shower. Meanwhile, all Krystal (voice like Marilyn Monroe, super sweet and super annoying) got was a trip to Scottsdale to meet Arie’s family, watch home videos and get serenaded by some D-List celebrity who only has three thousand Twitter followers. Also, Krystal looks eerily identical to Arie’s mother, so no red flags there.
The group date involved Arie and fifteen of the women smashing derby cars into one another. What could possibly go wrong? Don’t worry, Annaliese brought some drama by recounting the trauma she endured at the hands of a childhood bumper car ride. Bumper car trauma is the sad backstory I never knew I needed on this show. The only good thing to come out of the group date was this tweet that I’m shamelessly self-promoting.
If I wanted to see an average looking guy spin donuts in a crappy car I’d unblock my high school boyfriend on Facebook. #TheBachelor
— Heidi (@HeidiRochelle) January 9, 2018
The second episode ended with a rose ceremony which is basically breaking news based on the format of the last few seasons. Sadly, I can’t tell you who went home because I was busy putting Snapchat filters on Arie’s face instead of paying attention. Also, I am way more excited about Bachelor Winter Games premiering in February. Get this, they’re bringing in men and women from some of the international Bachelor franchises (Sweden, Canada, Australia, China, Japan) to compete/hook-up with past contestants of the American bachelor franchise. It’s like Bachelor in Paradise had an illegitimate child with the Olympics. I want to adopt it immediately.
I’m bitter that I’m only in third place in our That’s Normal fantasy league rankings, so let’s talk about a little theory I concocted one day while scrolling Instagram instead. A few months ago, actress January Jones cross-promoted on Jimmy Kimmel Live by admitting her obsession with The Bachelor (obvs) and a huge crush on Nick Viall (ew). In response, Nick pulled an obnoxious man-child Hollywood move and asked her to compete against him on an episode of Lip Sync Battle. She rejected the offer, ostensibly because she wanted a real date. Fast forward to my amateur stalking when I notice that they’re liking all of each other’s posts on Instagram. They’re obviously in love. You heard it here first.
That’s it for this week’s state of the Bachelor nation address. What do you think of Arie’s season so far? Who are your favorites? Do you think Krystal is sincere or sincerely crazy? What Bachelor gossip should I make up next? Nick and January are definitely in love, right? Let’s talk in the comments.
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