Not only am I now eligible to collect social security in Bachelor Nation, but Dean hasn’t even tried to bring me a cake in front of the girl he’s actively ghosting. I may as well look into adjacent grave sites for my boyfriend Peter husband and I now. Do you think Paradise has a retirement home option?
Water aerobics at the BIP retirement resort.
Here are the six things I feel like talking about from this week’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise.
That Moment when you can’t stop laughing
Last week Robby put all of his proverbial hair gel in Raven’s basket, but then she – and the majority of North America – made fun of him with her girlfriends. This week Robby had to act fast and move on to the next desperate woman before he got kicked out of Paradise like he does at modeling casting calls. Fortunately for him, Amanda needed an excuse to break things off with Alex the mini-marine. Unfortunately for him, he chose to dress up like a cruise ship Pee Wee Herman impersonator and sweat like a glazed Christmas ham. Only much, much less delicious looking. Remember when Robby was hot? Not like temperature hot, because the sweat is making that clear, but physically attractive? I don’t, and honestly I don’t think Amanda does either, because she turned down his kiss. His look of pure dejection was classic. I wonder if Robby’s BFF/Amanda’s ex-fiance Josh Murray “anonymous” is laughing too.
Honorable Mention: Vinny’s seat belt in the exit limo refused to wrap around his body, just like the women in Paradise.
Second Runner-up: Everyone’s look of disgust when Raven said “stank on your hang down”.
That moment when you believe in love again
I believe that you can find true love on Bachelor in Paradise, because I legitimately love Alexis. It doesn’t matter if she’s asking to put her toes through Jasmine’s hoop earrings, wearing a shark costume or mourning the loss of her pizza, she is hands down the best part of this season.
Honorable Mention: Carly and Evan’s story about Google translating their positive pregnancy test in Mexico almost made up for their live ultrasound on the after show.
That moment when you need to fan yourself
Danielle M. chose to leave Paradise early in order to go save orphans in Africa or something, but not before she gave us the best kiss of the season so far. I know, I’m shocked too. Danielle M. is gorgeous, but also possibly the most boring person to ever be on this show (stiff competition for that title from Ben Z.). Luckily for her, everyone’s second-favorite bartender, Wells doesn’t agree. For someone who isn’t supposed to date on Paradise this year, Wells seemed pretty happy to make a “My Best Friend’s Wedding” style marriage pact and a seriously great first kiss with her. Please tell me they’re happily together somewhere in Nashville making beautiful Snapchat stories babies right now.
Honorable Mention: Everyone with a penis’s reaction to Danielle L.’s dress.
That moment when you throw the remote at the TV
Listen, I’ve been a fan of Ben Z. since he sat on that tiny couch with Shawn Booth during Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette, but he may have lost me this time. I can’t fault the way he looks carrying heavy rocks across the beach. I can even ignore that his default compliment for grown women is to call them “bubbly.” But if that man mentions his dog one more time I’m going to call animal control.
Honorable Mention: Why does everyone like Adam?
That moment when you consider signing up for this show
Before you ask, no I don’t know who Lacey is. She could be Chris Harrison’s stowaway niece for all I know. She could have just stumbled on set from the jungles of Mexico and we’d literally never know the difference. But hey, she got a date card and a pity make-out with Diggy so, nice work. The best part of this date was that it was the debut of Jorge’s Tourges (pronounced exactly the way you hope) in which he took them to the beach where he was conceived. Never change, Bachelor in Paradise.
Honorable Mention: Alexis and Jasmine narrating Derek and Jasmine’s cuddle session Crocodile Hunter style.
Second runner up: Dean’s face. Always.
That moment when you’d never sign up for this show
Teen heart throb Dean and Russian spy Kristina were one of the established couples before the show was halted due to sexual misconduct allegations. They dated during the break, it even sounds like he went home to Kentucky to meet her family, but when they got back to Paradise Dean was clearly over it. By “clearly over it” I mean passive aggressively avoiding her and giving mixed signals. Not cool, Dean. Kristina was heartbroken when he accepted Danielle L.’s date card this week, but was willing to forgive the definitely more than a “peck” he gave Danielle. It looked like things had been resolved between them as he cuddled next to Kristina on the beach but then he stood up, walked inside, and brought out a half-birthday cake for Danielle RIGHT IN FRONT OF KRISTINA. It was like he was ghosting her in real time. If he’s this bad at dating I definitely want him to be the next Bachelor.
Honorable Mention: Diggy making sexual innuendos while feeding Dominique strawberries.
That Moment When they interview DeMario and I have to write about it
The fourth hour of this week’s episodes (yes, still four hours per week) was spent re-hashing the sexual misconduct allegations and interviewing DeMario. I’m not sure what to think about all of this. On the one hand, I appreciate that DeMario had the chance to share his side of the events and to acknowledge the deep pain caused by assumptions and accusations in the media. On the other hand, once again ABC and the Bachelor Machine was capitalizing on this sad story. I have yet to hear Chris Harrison or anyone give an apology to DeMario or Corinne. Rather the show acts like it was all out of their hands and they were some innocent third party observer.
Either you settled something privately and this interview is part of the agreement. Or nothing happened and they should be apologizing for what they did to both Corinne and DeMario by letting the story leak in bits and pieces as they profited off the free publicity.
I’m glad DeMario had his say. I guiltily look forward to hearing what Corinne says next week. But the way ABC has handled all of this leaves a bad taste in my mouth (just like kissing Robby).
Are you all still watching Bachelor in Paradise? Why? Just kidding, you love it as much as I do. What do you think Corinne will say next week? Are Wells and Danielle M. in love? Did Jade and Tanner name their daughter Emerson after my oldest child? Let’s talk in the comments!
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all images courtesy of abc
