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According to personal experience, common knowledge, and the subscription to Cosmopolitan Magazine I had when I was 19, the third week of dating is when things start to get promising. If you still want to go out with someone after three weeks you’re probably physically attracted to them, enjoy talking with them, and don’t mind what they look like when they eat. You may as well quit and get married, because it’s all sweatpants and binge watching 60 Minutes from there. That Leslie Stahl is riveting.
The third week of dating on The Bachelorette isn’t much different. Of course, instead of romantic dinners for two, their dates feature lap dancing on The Ellen Show, riding horses on Rodeo Drive and mud wrestling while pervy middle age women cheer gleefully. We wouldn’t want it any other way.
Here are the top moments from Rachel Lindsay’s third episode on The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Last week’s episode ended with a cliffhanger when DeMario showed up
invited by the producers uninvited at the mansion during the cocktail party. He was kicked off the show during the basketball group date because his (ex?) girlfriend showed up. Sidenote: news broke this week that Rachel dated Kevin Durant in college, so DeMario’s girlfriend crashing it is only the second most embarrassing thing about that group date.
DeMario begged Rachel to give him a second chance while the rest of the men looked on like schoolyard bullies, but Rachel wasn’t having it. She said that she’s looking for a man who owns his mistakes, not a boy. I could feel the heat from that burn from the comfort of my suburban couch. Finally, Rachel sent DeMario packing once and for all with a sarcastic “thank you,” lobbed over her shoulder.
The cocktail party progressed in its strange Bachelorette way with the men waiting their turns to kiss Rachel (Will), impress her with their rubik’s cube skills (Alex), and caress her with humongous puppet hands (Tickle Monster). You know, normal stuff. Then Lucas of whaboom infamy
needed camera time told her that he is continuing to have some conflict with Blake. Apparently Blake has been sensually eating bananas while watching Lucas sleep. Pause to let that sink in.
Rachel, being the responsible investigative trial attorney that she is, followed up with Blake about the banana manhandling accusations which made Blake indignant. How dare Lucas accuse him of eating carbs. He’s on a strict ketone diet that doesn’t allow him to ingest bananas, not even while watching another man sleep. All of this resulted in was Rachel sending both of them home at the rose ceremony. Who can blame her? The moment a man told me he doesn’t eat carbs he’d be gone.
Lucas and Blake (and Jamey but who cares about him) said their final good-byes and left the mansion for what should have been their exit interviews. Usually people use those interviews to cry over the end of their
television career relationship but Lucas and Blake used them to fight. Not like fight with fists, because that would have actually been worth watching, but with words. Words like, “It’s not about winning. It’s about the world, brother, and you have no idea what the world means.” After that sentence I’m pretty sure I don’t know what the world means either. Then they started mimicking each other complete with honking noises and neener-neeners. We were one titty twister away from initiating junior high flashbacks. Blake thinks Lucas ruined his chances with Rachel, but I think he managed to do a pretty terrific job of that all on his own.
Jonathan the Tickle Monster, Will with the good pickup lines, my boyfriend Peter, Alex the Russian hacker, Bryan the chiropractor who kisses weird, and Fred the third grade camper, got the best group date ever: going on The Ellen Show. First Ellen and Rachel discussed the men backstage and later they played “Never Have I Ever,” but the good stuff happened in the middle. Full disclosure, I watched this episode of Ellen live with my jaw wide open and my eyes half covered by my hands.
Ellen has a history of accurately predicting the winner of major sporting events by having shirtless male dancers gyrate in her audience while collecting dollar bills. Seems reasonable. It only makes sense that she’d have the six men on the group date dance shirtless to Ginuwine’s Pony while Rachel laughed hysterically on stage. It was both glorious and horrifying. At one point Alex dry humped an elderly woman while Peter did the white boy clap next to a pregnant lady. It’s so wrong, it’s right.
One of the answers during the Never Have I Ever game revealed that three of the six men on this group date (Will, Peter and Bryan) had already kissed Rachel. That immediately put the other three on the offensive. Alex, the beefy genius Russian who I’m fairly certain hacked our election, earned his first kiss – and eventually the date rose – by being vulnerable with Rachel and generally being super sexy. Fred, on the other hand, was vulnerable but not sexy in any way shape or form.
You’ll remember Fred as the “bad boy” Rachel knew from elementary school. By bad boy I mean he was literally a naughty child. Rachel put Fred so far in the friend zone that she already reserved his seat at the singles table at her future wedding. He didn’t stand a chance, but poor Fred sealed the deal when he asked Rachel if he could kiss her. She hated that move. Rachel told him that she prefers a man who takes what he wants, so he did, by giving her the least sexy kiss in the history of kisses. Fred thought he nailed it. He did not. It was horrible. She may as well have patted his head after. In fact, she said it was like, “kissing a little boy” and sent him home early.
The next morning Rachel had a one-on-one date with Anthony, the Education Software Manager and Fulbright Scholar. I’ve been sitting here trying to remember what happened next on this episode if that tells you anything about Anthony’s date. He and Rachel rode horses down Rodeo Drive which I thought was a play on words with the whole rodeo thing, but then they took the horses into the stores. Like into them. I can’t even take a coffee into most of those stores but they took a full sized defecating horse named Ted. What is this show?
They pretended to eat dinner on a bluff overlooking the city that night and slow danced while a quartet played. He told Rachel about his perfect childhood and I took a quick nap. It was a perfectly normal, well-adjusted date. Rachel even gave Anthony the date rose sometime while I was scrolling through my Twitter feed.
Once the mature date of the week was over it was time to have fun again. If watching grown women ogle men while they mud wrestle is your idea of fun. This time Rachel brought her friends from The Bachelor with her to help judge her potential life partners. This was ballsy of Rachel because, let’s face it, half of these guys are going to be dating her friends on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. It was like a free preview. Everyone should have a friend like Rachel.
Rachel and her squad encouraged Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric to pole dance in a party bus on the way to a dive bar where they would be mud wrestling each other. Really high class stuff. Then the men were given bulky swim trunks and instructed to wrestle in mud that looked like my weekly clay mask regimen. I bet their skin felt silky smooth after.
I cringed through the crowd shouting offensive things like, “let me see your junk!” I laughed at Brady’s ability to keep his ken doll hair in perfect condition. I winced as Kenny tossed men around like rag dolls. But mostly I wondered if the angles of Bryce’s square face hurt when they came into close contact with him.
While the majority of Rachel’s boyfriends were busy being objectified, there was drama brewing back at the mansion. At this point, with the exception of a few random dates, these men have been locked in the mansion for days on end with nothing but alcohol, testosterone and paranoia to keep them company. Eric was the first man to break under the pressure. He spent the day of Anthony’s date questioning Rachel’s motives and threatening to confront her for not being more forthcoming with her feelings. This led to Iggy fighting with him in defense of Rachel and then to Bryce and Lee telling Rachel’s friends that Eric isn’t right for her. Despite all of these red flags, Rachel gave Eric the group date rose. Then, she told him everything the other men said and which men said it.
Eric went directly from getting the date rose to confronting Bryce and Lee for what they said about him. This involved a lot of head tilting and Lee (the man with a racist social media history who I can’t believe was cast on this show) telling him that he loves him in the most condescending way possible. It probably would have been fine if the drama had ended there, but it continued the next night when Iggy did some more tattletaling and Rachel, once again, told Eric all about it. She really needs to learn her lesson on that. Eric was obviously displeased that his name was brought up again, so he gathered all of the men into one room to berate them. The episode ended with Eric yelling while Lee sat winking in the corner with a good ol’ boy smirk on his face.
The preview for next week’s episode makes it look like the racial tension is finally going to be addressed this season. Quite frankly I’m not very optimistic for how it is going to be handled. Lee has very clearly been cast (purposely or not) as the racist southern white boy who is going to be taught a lesson by the patient educated black man. That in and of itself is exploitative and racist. Rachel and these men of color face immense pressure to be smarter, more fashionable, and more courteous everyday of their lives, through no fault of their own, due to the amount of melanin in their skin. They shouldn’t also be responsible for convincing white America about inequality on a reality TV show for two hours on a Monday night.
I don’t think I’ve had a consistent top four yet this season. It’s a complete guessing game at this point. I’m kinda thinking that Eric might be a reckless choice given this week’s cliffhanger ending, but Corinne made it to the final four last year so, anything can happen. Plus there’s the fact that these picks mean absolutely nothing and I’m only in third place in our fantasy league. Why does anyone ever listen to me?
What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you think Eric is worth all of the trouble? How many times did you rewind the dancing on Ellen? Let’s talk in the comments!
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