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At this point it’s passe to refer to 2016 as the dumpster fire that it is; but really, it was terrible. I’m looking forward to toasting the new year while singing Auld Lang Syne over a bonfire lit with the scraps of my ballot stub. Then I’ll spread the ashes into the wind while simultaneously setting my DVR, because the only thing that can save us now is judging 30 co-eds as they fall in true
lust love. Gird your loins everyone, The Bachelor is back January 2nd.
2017 is already shaping up to be a winner because there’s a grown woman dressed as a shark in the recently released group cast photo. I’m pretty sure it’s meant to be performance art in which the contestant arrives in the fleece costume to represent how we as viewers are voracious predators consuming the failings of these women like there is blood in the water. Or maybe she just really likes shark week. Either way, in the words of Tiny Tim, “God bless us, everyone.”
Our Bachelor, Nick Viall needs no introduction because he has already been on this show three times. After being rejected in the finals by both Andi and Kaitlyn on subsequent seasons of The Bachelorette, he went on to get some summer lovin’ on Bachelor in Paradise with Jenn. Obviously, he dropped Jenn like a barbell at crossfit when the Bachelor gig was offered to him. But who cares, we’ll hear plenty about him in the weeks to come; it’s time to get to know the newest additions to Bachelor Nation.
Who are the women who will make us laugh, cringe, and click follow on Instagram so we can see which beauty products they’re selling? I thought the best way to introduce them would be to nominate them for Yearbook Awards high school style since half of them graduated last spring. Does this make me the the older, but still cool yearbook teacher who wears guacho pants and uses scrunchies? I hope so.
Every season there’s a least one date during which the Bachelor
forces encourages his date to face her fears. Maybe she’s afraid of heights so they go rappelling down the side of a building in downtown Los Angeles or perhaps she’s frightened by birds so they visit an aviary. You know, real romantic stuff.
This season you can be sure to see Alexis, the 23 year-old aspiring dolphin trainer (yes, really), on a trip to Universal Studios because her fear of E.T. is too tempting for even the strongest of Bachelor show runners. If we don’t see her peddling a bike with a stuffed alien in a basket on the front while Nick asks if he can phone her home, then I don’t even know what this show is anymore.
Meanwhile, Astrid might as well prepare herself for hours of prosthetic work because she’ll definitely be facing her fear of “dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly.” I’m picturing one of those reenacted funerals like you had to sit through during drunk driving awareness week in high school. Only instead of your friend from homeroom it’s a Plastic Surgery Office Manager from Tampa.
If you’ve been paying attention you know no one ever actually eats on this show unless they’re the Chad bear inhaling deli meats like his life depended on it. If they’re lucky enough to make it on a date with Nick, these ladies definitely won’t waste their time eating the carefully plated food in front of them. Especially since according to their bios they have some interesting food habits.
Angela, a 26 year-old Model from South Carolina, says her guiltiest pleasure is licking popcorn bags which she describes as “so unhealthy. LOL.” If licking the side of her 100 calorie popcorn snack bag is her idea of a guilty pleasure, her unavoidable appearance on Bachelor in Paradise is going to be a real shock.
Then there’s Dominique, the 25 year-old Restaurant Server from Los Angeles who said if she could lunch with anyone alive or dead she would choose to eat Chipotle with her grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus. I’m sure they’d have a lot to talk about over their burrito bowls.
Oh and you can’t forget Jaimi the 28 year-old chef who describes herself as a, “pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian.” I don’t know what it means either, but I bet she’s hungry.
Corinne the 24 year-old Business Owner is undeniably cute. She also is more than likely going to be the resident Bachelor
know-it-all expert this season. The Miami native masterfully chose Chicago as the most romantic U.S. city in her bio because it “has a lot of fun activities you would want to share with someone special.” You mean someone special like the Bachelor and Chicagoan, Nick Viall? Game respects game, Corinne. Well done.
We get it, there has to be women to cut in the first few weeks so that our bloodthirsty appetites are whetted and Nick has the chance to witness every shade of sequin in the Bloomingdale’s formal section. But do they have to be so boring? I’m sure Briana, the 28 year-old Surgical Unit Nurse, is wonderful but when the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is “move to Utah” we have a problem.
Briana is in
dull good company with 25 year-old Pilates Instructor, Whitney who likes “going to movies” but makes sure to point out that it’s “also fun to rent them at home.” Everyone better watch out, we have a real party animal on our hands. And okay, Lauren the Law Graduate is 30, which makes her the first age appropriate choice for our 36 year-old Bachelor, but her favorite date memory was playing mini golf and she mentions loving rock formations in her bio. Shh, I’m sleeping.
I don’t want to be insensitive (yes I do) but when you use your bio to mention your fiance who passed away not once, but twice, like Danielle M. the 31 year-old Neonatal Nurse, you probably have a sad backstory. Danielle M. won’t be alone in having her grief exploited though because, Kristina the 24 year-old Dental Hygienist, clearly has some unresolved issues with her alcoholic birth mom who apparently put her up for adoption. I predict someone accusing Nick of handing out pity roses this season. By someone I mean me.
Despite his penchant for appearing on these shows, Nick seems like an intelligent man. If his history means anything, it’s likely that he’ll be attracted to a woman who shares his wit, which he’ll inevitably test in a series of games in some nondescript school the producers were able to book on the cheap. You know who won’t do well in those games based on their bios? These women.
Christen, a 25 year-old Photographer, said if she could break any law without repercussions she’d “break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” I mean, why the storage closet? Is she Harry Potter?
Maybe there will be room for two in that storage closet for Raven, the 25 year-old Fashion Boutique Owner, who said her favorite actor is Brittany Murphy “when she was alive.” No really, she said that. Because everyone likes their favorite actors in that one film they performed in after death.
Then there’s Josephine, the 24 year-old Unemployed Nurse, who described her love for the novel A Thousand Splendid Suns by saying she has never been “more connected to imaginary people.” Which would make sense if she was describing a book about actual imaginary people instead of one about Afghan women brought together by war and loss. But hey, at least she’s actually read a book unlike Ida Marie the 23 year-old Sales Manager who wrote “I need to read more books” not once, but twice in her bio. At least she knows her limitations?
Over the years The Bachelor has perfected the art of the dramatic exit. My favorite is, of course, when they straight up abandon someone. You never know when a contestant will get left behind on a glacier, or crying on a cliff, or stranded on a deserted island during hurricane force winds wearing nothing but a monokini. Yes, all of those scenarios have actually happened. Quite frankly, Jasmine G., the 29 year-old Pro Basketball Dancer, should have known better than to admit her biggest fear is being left in open water alone. Who else sees a scuba diving two-on-one date in her future?
Every once in awhile a person is cast on this show who is just too good for it. They’re the ones you scream, “Why did you sign up for this absurdity!” at while updating your Bachelor Fantasy League. This season I predict that’ll be Brittany and Rachel.
Brittany, the 26 year-old Travel Nurse, hates when her date is rude to servers, admires Beyonce and prefers to work in a team environment. Rachel, the 31 year-old Attorney, wants to be Michelle Obama, likes Justin Timberlake and admires the art of Jean-Michel Basquiat. I have no idea who that is either, but I bet you’re googling it right now too, so now Rachel is making us more informed human beings. They’re too good for this cruel world.
You know the ones. It never fails, every season there are one or two who just can’t stop themselves from telling the Bachelor all of the mansion gossip. It’s always the sweet ones who think they’re doing the right thing for the right reasons, but it inevitably blows up in their faces like a bad lip job.
This season I think our purveyor of tattles will be our two school teachers, Sarah and Vanessa. Sarah, a 26 year-old Grade School Teacher from Newport Beach likes puppies and gambling, but only when she’s winning. Who would have thought? Meanwhile, Vanessa a 29 year-old Special Education Teacher (and Canadian) would want to be an onion if she could be any fruit or vegetable. Yum.
The Bachelor wouldn’t be The Bachelor without a whole lot of drama and this season I think we can count on some of that coming from Elizabeth, the 24 year-old Marketing Manager who claims to have Misophonia. According to Google that’s a “condition in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds.” I’m laughing already.
While Elizabeth is off having negative reactions to the sound of Christen talking about the White House, Hailey, the 23 year-old photographer, describes herself as “passionate and intense.” She also says “children are strange” despite wanting two, so she seems to be at a fun level of unstable.
Then there’s Jasmine B., the 25 year-old Flight Attendant, who despite signing up for a dating shows in which she’s competing for the attention of one man against 29 other women, said she prefers a man who “pursues me and gives me assurance that I’m what he wants.” That’s going to end badly. I can’t wait.
Bachelor Nick is 36 years-old but that didn’t stop The Bachelor from casting women all under the age of 32. Nor did it stop them from casting numerous women who are 13 years younger than he is. That means some of his potential partners are younger than that one stubborn hair on his chest that his esthetician can never seem to wax. Among them is Taylor, the 23 year-old Mental Health Counselor whose favorite designer is Forever 21. I wonder if Chris Harrison checks IDs at the door before serving that champagne.
There’s nothing quite like finding a Bachelor contestant’s social media profiles moments after watching her get sent home crying from a date which required her to pose with rescue pets in the nude. (Yes, that happened on Juan Pablo’s season.) Who doesn’t want to read their behind the scene tweets about how awful the Bachelor is or see who they’ve been hanging out with since the season ended? This season I’m excited to see what Danielle L., 27 year-old Small Business Owner has to say. Based on her admiration for Chrissy Teigen, Olivia Pope, and The 5 Languages of Love I’m expecting an advanced level of shade.
If Danielle L. lets me down, I have a feeling I can count on Susannah the 26 year-old Account Manager from San Diego who describes herself as a shoe-loving lioness. That’s an Instagram account I can get behind. And we can’t forget Michelle, the 24 year-old Food Truck Owner who would take Albus Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani, and Princess Diana to lunch, speaks Portuguese, and speaks well about the women in her life. Can we just be best friends now?
Let’s hope these three women make it to hometown dates because the secondhand embarrassment would be overwhelming. First stop would be in Las Vegas where Nick would be forced to participate in a water birth with 29 year-old Doula, Liz. As a self-professed “Belieber” I like to picture her playing the sweet tunes of the Biebs while some poor unsuspecting woman delivers her spawn into the open arms of Chris Harrison. A girl can dream.
The second stop of this hometown tour of dreams would be to Manhattan where 25 year-old Digital Marketing Manager Lacey would have the uncomfortable task of introducing Nick and an entire crew of television producers to her parents who have never met a single one of her boyfriends. Nothing like breaking them in easy.
Finally we’d visit Anchorage where 25 year-old Apparel Sales Representative, Olivia would capitalize on her experience as her high school football team’s kicker by making Nick play football in the snow. This would be especially funny because even though Nick has the abs of an underwear model he’s more of the workout in front of a mirror type than the play full-contact sports type. I’m going to need to see that big head of his fit in a football helmet. Do it for America, Olivia.
There you have it, all 30 of Nick’s surprisingly young, employed, and diverse potential
temporary girlfrien ds spouses. I’m more excited about this season than 90% of them are about dolphins and mermaids. No, seriously, they nearly all mentioned wanting to be some form of underwater sea creature. I think it has something to do with Lisa Frank stickers being all the rage when they were conceived.
Check out this trailer for a sneak peak of the season starting January 2nd!
What do you think? Will Nick finally find true love? Who is your favorite contestant so far? Who do you hate already? Tell me in the comments!
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