163 Thoughts I Had While Watching Bachelor in Paradise Week 2

Welcome back to “paradise” everyone. Last week introduced us to the wealth of embarrassment that is Bachelor in Paradise, the dating show which features Bachelor and Bachelorette castoffs falling in and out of lust love at a Mexican resort. It’s like Gilligan’s Island if the coconuts were spiked, all the women were Ginger, and the professor was a speedo wearing Canadian named Daniel. This week we dive further into the hot tub of shame as more desperate singles join the cast and the first rose ceremony happens. Who will be sent home? Who will break-up? Who will hook-up? How long will it take me to question my intelligence for watching this?

Not long.

Here’s everything I thought while watching both episodes of Bachelor in Paradise this week.

1. Bachelor in Paradise is back. Week 2. The continuation of Chad’s meltdown.
2. I can do this.
3. The scenes from this week are making me wonder if I want to do this.
4. Never mind, they’re all talking about Chad behind his back. I’m in.
5. Joni Mitchell would be so sad that they paved Paradise and put up a reality show.
6. My 3 year-old is more self-aware than Chad.
7. Chad doesn’t know what to do with his life now that Bachelor in Paradise kicked him out.
8. He should consider therapy.
9. Carly doesn’t want any more women to show up because she can’t handle the competition.
10. Carly is definitely more self-aware than Chad.
11. Leah, Leah, Leah, nope. No clue who that is.
12. Oh wait, imagine her without Kylie Jenner lips and I think I remember her talking bad about Lauren on The Bachelor.
13. That didn’t turn out well for her.
14. Leah wants to ask Chad on her date, but he already got kicked out.
15. She hasn’t been this disappointed since Forever 21 stopped selling their Coachella fashion line.
16. Why didn’t we hear about the twins’ scoliosis on The Bachelor?
17. That’s a sad back story.
18. I’m not proud of that pun.
19. Is that my kids screaming in the other room?
20. Oh no, that’s just my standards diving off a cliff of shame while I watch this.
21. You’d think Lace would be used to the bartender being her only friend.
22. She should work harder on making friends with a hair stylist.
23. How many Ewoks had to die to make her weave?
24. Lace is worried that her night with Chad ruined her chances with Grant.
25. She should be more worried about the condition of her liver.
26. Grant said to pretend that last night with Chad never happened.
27. That’s helpful since Lace can’t remember it anyway.
28. Leah says she likes the lumberjack look so she chose Nick for her date.
29. Leah has no idea what a lumberjack actually looks like.
30. Hint: They don’t wax their chests and sell software.
31. Amanda facetimed her kids at home but made sure to hold her arm out in a good selfie angle while doing so.
32. I respect that.
33. Sure Nick, picking Amanda for your date hours after making out with Leah seems like a wise decision.
34. This show is ridiculous.
35. I can’t stop watching.
36. Leah definitely took a picture of Amanda with her to her plastic surgery consultation.
37. According to Bachelor in Paradise, off the shoulder shirts are in.
38. They’re about to be off based on Amanda and Nick’s chemistry.
39. Carly wants to know what kissing Evan would be like.
40. I can honestly say that I’ve never once wondered that.
41. Now I can’t stop thinking about it.
42. I’ll never sleep again.
43. Carly wants to see Evan’s aggressive alpha side?
44. In related news, Carly wants Evan to be a completely different person.
45. Carly and Evan kissed and it was worse than seeing your grandparents make out with tongue.
46. Of course Evan thought it was perfect.
47. Lace and Grant locked the door to their room before they hooked up, but they left their mics on.
48. Don’t ever say they didn’t give anything to their country.
49. Finally a rose ceremony, I can’t wait to see which man gets both twins
50. That was sarcasm.
51. Do they have to share scoliosis doctor appointments too?
52. Why do I feel like the answer is yes?
53. I’m sure Sarah kissing Vinny has absolutely nothing to do with her desire to stay on the show.
54. Wait, is Vinny kissing Izzy now?
55. I wonder if she can taste Sarah’s desperation to stay in Paradise on his lips.
56. Tastes like tequila and regrets.
57. Leah says there’s a lot more to her than Nick has gotten to see.
58. She means her boob job, right?
59. Daniel says talking to the twins is not like talking to a brick wall, but maybe like talking to a leather couch.
60. Why do I feel like Daniel is actually a certifiable genius?
61. It must be the Canadian education system.
62. If the twins would add just one more cartilage piercing to their ears, I’d probably start respecting them.
63. No I wouldn’t.
64. Jared picked Emily so Haley gets to stay in Paradise too.
65. I just realized that I spelled Haley’s name incorrectly the entire time last week.
66. Still don’t care.
67. Leah and Jubilee are going home.
68. Quick check-in with myself to see if I care.
69. Nope.
70. You’re telling me there are 45 minutes left in this show?
71. What could there possibly be to talk about for the next 45 minutes?
72. It took less time to deliver my second and third children via c-section than it does to watch this show.
73. It was also less painful.
74. Now that the rose ceremony is over the women are in charge for the next round.
75. They’re like the suffragettes.
76. Josh Murray who got engaged to Andi on her season of The Bachelorette is in Paradise.
77. Nick Viall (who was her runner-up) is going to flip.
78. Insert evil laugh here.
79. Josh says he’s looking for a good connection.
80. I’m pretty sure he meant he’s looking for a chance to be the next Bachelor.
81. Josh’s khaki pants make him look like a Target employee.
82. That’s not a diss, Target is my favorite place on Earth.
83. Maybe I should be a Target employee for Halloween this year.
84. I wonder if I could borrow Josh’s pants.
85. Josh likes Amanda so he told her all about his dog having cancer.
86. They call that move the “Sarah McLachlan”.
87. Lace can’t remember what happened on Andi’s season with Josh and Nick.
88. Is that because she was drunk as usual or because she was 12?
89. Amanda went all Rita Skeeter and brought up the tell-all book Andi wrote about Josh and Nick.
90. I haven’t read the book, but it must not be that bad if Amanda is making out with Josh like his tongue holds the cure to her helium voice.
91. I’m going to have to read that stupid book aren’t I?
92. Evan just said that Carly gives him butterflies and explosions.
93. He should probably get that checked out.
94. Carly just said that Evan gives her erectile dysfunction.
95. I’m 100% positive Evan would be willing to help her out with that.
96. I think my libido just went into a coma thinking about it.
97. Their date is going to be the stuff dreams are made of.
98. It ends up that their date is attempting to break a Guinness World Record for the “Longest Hottest Kiss” by eating habanero peppers and kissing for a minimum of 90 seconds.
99. In my experience, that’s just dating after eating at a Mexican restaurant.
100. I think I may be a world record holder and I never knew it.
101. Vinny wants to shoot Jared up with testosterone.
102. Sure, because that turned out so well for Chad.
103. Haley used her big boobs and nice butt to manipulate Jared into kissing her.
104. Those were her words, not mine.
105. I guess it’s good to be self-aware?
106. Nick says he hasn’t ever seen anyone as unapologetic for being an ass as Josh.
107. But, what about Shawn Booth?
108. I wonder what Shawn and Kaitlyn are doing right now.
109. I bet they’re having more fun than me.
110. Okay, the first episode of the week is over, I’m going to sleep it off and come back strong tomorrow night.
111. I can’t believe I’m watching a second episode of this show in one week.
112. That’s four hours of Bachelor in Paradise.
113. I should be doing something useful like volunteering my time to the less fortunate.
114. Although these people are pretty unfortunate.
115. Maybe I don’t feel so guilty after all.
116. Watching Bachelor in Paradise is like charity.
117. Do you think I can use these recaps as a write-off on my taxes?
118. Okay, okay, Daniel is counting his abs, it’s time to pay attention.
119. Amanda ditched Nick for Josh. She must really need a discount on Advocare.
120. Here comes Christian from JoJo’s season.
121. He’s only memorable for liking every single tweet that mentions his name.
122. I can respect that.
123. Carly has to break up with Evan because he’s just too Evan-ish.
124. Surprisingly, that makes complete sense.
125. Evan is crying harder about his breakup with Carly than I did when Justin and Britney ended things.
126. The early 2000s were a simpler time.
127. I hope part of Sarah and Christian’s date is taking care of his backne.
128. Whose idea was it to put the girl with a missing limb on the mountain rappelling date?
129. That’s cold even for Bachelor standards.
130. Some dude named Brandon is on the show and not even Chris Harrison recognizes him.
131. Apparently he’s from Desiree’s season which makes him older than the aged tequila Lace is ingesting intravenously.
132. Brandon is a basic white guy so obviously Carly is into him.
133. Emily had one beer and is already crying over Jared.
134. I’ve never been more convinced that the twins are actually 15 year-olds.
135. That puts a really weird spin on this show.
136. Now I’m torn between calling CPS and hoping the drama continues.
137. Oh wait, Daniel is jealous that Christian and Sarah went on a date, forget my concerns, this is about to get good.
138. I take exception to Daniel the Canadian calling himself an eagle.
139. Eagles are America’s thing.
140. I sound like a Drumpf voter.
141. I take it back.
142. I’m 90% sure Amanda ditched Nick because his board shorts look like a popcorn container.
143. Sarah is actually into Daniel, so absolutely anything is possible in Paradise.
144. Daniel and Sarah are joking that they have Zika virus, but they should really be more concerned about the STDs they’re contracting from that mattress.
145. Haley/Emily finally pulled the Parent Trap switcheroo of my dreams on what’s his face from Desiree’s season.
146. He had no clue.
147. It was perfect.
148. Evan is jealous that Amanda and Josh are making out all of the time so obviously he decides Amanda is the love of his life.
149. Evan legitimately has no idea what level of hotness he is.
150. It’s a lot lower than he imagines.
151. Evan seems like the type to have motivational posters in the bedroom that encourage him to reach for his dreams.
152. He should sue.
153. The sounds Josh makes when he is making out with Amanda make me viscerally uncomfortable.
154. Honestly, they’re making out so much that I’m concerned they’re going to get dehydrated.
155. Pace yourselves, people, Paradise is long and arduous.
156. What?! The second episode of the week is over after only one hour?
157. I feel like I just got my death sentence commuted at the last second!
158. What am I going to do with all of this free time?
159. Should I watch the After Paradise show with Sean Lowe and Michelle Collins?
160. Just kidding, there’s a zero percent chance I’m watching Spencer Pratt rehash the Chad drama no matter how much I loved him on The Hills.
161. Free, free, I’m free at last!
162. Wait, is that my kid crying?
163. Take me back to Paradise.

What did you think of Bachelor in Paradise this week? If you watched After Paradise can you give me the cliff notes of what I missed? Do you think Josh stole Amanda from Nick or is everyone overreacting? Tell me in the comments.

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