I don’t know about all of you, but this show has made me a bit philosophical about the definition of paradise. Is paradise really a Mexican resort where underfed but over-imbibed twenty somethings get paid to humiliate themselves on national television?
Probably.
But I’m convinced that paradise can also be sipping on an iced latte while perusing the home goods aisle of Target with my kids nowhere in sight. I dream big.
Here are 155 thoughts I had while watching week 3 of Bachelor in Paradise
- Okay, Bachelor in Paradise week 3.
- I got more sleep last night so I don’t think I’ll complain as much as I did last week.
- I heard that Caila from Ben’s season will be on the show tonight.
- I wonder how long it’ll take before someone fetishizes her ethnicity by describing her as “exotic”?
- Hey, do you think Josh signs everyone up for his pyramid scheme this week?
- Great I just wasted 3 minutes googling pyramid schemes and I almost missed Evan breaking up Josh and Amanda’s near constant foreplay.
- No, he literally interrupted them mid-makeout to ask Amanda to go to the tree house with him.
- Josh didn’t mind because he needed a break to sponge the grease off his pizza.
- Maybe he should stop to sponge the sweat off his forehead instead.
- Stop, the noises Josh is making eating that pizza are considered sexual harassment in at least 29 states.
- Amanda just fake cried to make Evan feel better about himself.
- She must have learned that move from her two preschool aged kids.
- She’s so tiny; I bet she can share clothes with them too.
- Evan just pulled a Dumb and Dumber, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance”.
- There’s no chance.
- Quick pause while Daniel the Canadian shaves Vinny’s back.
- I have nothing else to say about that.
- Oh yeah, I forgot they had rose ceremonies on this show.
- Time to get rid of some dudes.
- Josh is sweating so much that I’m genuinely concerned about his health.
- Maybe he was onto something with sponging that pizza grease off. Heart healthy and all that.
- Sarah pulled a bee stinger out of Daniel’s throat and then judged him for his sloppy closed mouth kisses.
- Uh, he was just STUNG BY A BEE. Where’s your heart, you monster?
- You can tell that Evan is a single dad based on his propensity for tattletaling.
- Sure, tell Amanda “as a friend” that she needs to be careful about Josh.
- I’m sure your desire to sabotage their relationship has nothing to do with your desire to recreate the Brady Bunch.
- Josh is going to confront Evan.
- Please rip his shirt. Please rip his shirt.
- Was Josh always this aggressive or did Chad leave something contagious behind?
- Josh and Evan talking look like a Ken doll giving life lessons to a sock puppet.
- Evan asked why Josh didn’t sue Andi for libel if everything she wrote in her book was untrue and he was like, “I will as soon as the check from my very successful Advocare career comes through!”
- Just kidding, he said it had something to do with being a gentleman.
- I don’t buy it.
- But I still don’t like Evan.
- Now Nick is talking to Amanda about Josh.
- What’s with all of these dudes telling a grown woman to “ask the right questions”?
- Take your mansplaining somewhere else, bro.
- Amanda has said “like” almost as many times in this episode as Josh orgasmed while eating that pizza.
- Evan said he always get stuck “in the protector role” but he meant “in the friend zone”.
- Of course Amanda gave her rose to Josh.
- No one kisses someone that much after they ingest pizza unless they are married to them or have serious chemistry.
- Sometimes both.
- Despite the lackluster post bee sting kiss, Sarah gave her rose to Daniel.
- If Jorge the Bartender wanted to up his tips, he should take cosmetology classes in the off season just to help Carly out.
- What?! Carly gave her rose to Evan instead of Nick?
- He’s like the Dum Dums in the bottom of my kid’s Halloween candy bag.
- He will not go away.
- Haley gave her rose to Nick instead of what’s his face from Desiree’s season!
- Why do I care?!
- I’m not sure, but I do. I really do.
- So, Brandon and Christian went home.
- I wonder what items they’ll shill on Instagram now.
- I hope it’s message tees so I can buy one ironically, but secretly love it.
- Okay, new week in Paradise, the men are back in the driver’s seat just like in most of the Western world.
- Emily is impressed that Jared lights candles and drinks wine while watching TV.
- I think I may be #goals for Emily.
- Here comes Caila.
- Two minutes of Caila on screen and I already remember why I don’t like her.
- She’s just so syrupy sweet.
- Give me back the snarky twins.
- Haha, the twins hate Caila for being too perfect.
- I take back everything bad I ever said about them.
- For now.
- Can you imagine if Caila and her perfect hair had ended up with Jordan Rodgers as The Bachelorette instead of JoJo?
- Their children would be born clutching Pantene Pro-V modeling contracts in their tiny baby fists.
- Caila just asked Jared out on her date, but he want’s Emily’s permission first.
- Say no, Emily! Stick it to the man!
- She said yes.
- Caila and Jared are so boring that they deserve each other.
- Jared says he isn’t thinking about anyone else when he’s with Caila.
- I can’t wait for the twins to burn Paradise to the ground while he sleeps.
- How are there still 40 minutes left of this show?
- I hope the next 40 minutes are just the twins talking bad about Caila while Josh’s pizza sex noises play on a loop in the background.
- Daniel just filled Vinny’s belly button with water while he was sleeping and then sucked it out with a straw.
- I have nothing else to say about that.
- Emily and Haley’s fake smiles when they saw Jared and Caila are giving me life.
- Jared broke up with Emily and now she thinks something must be wrong with her.
- Prepare yourself for a rant.
- Nothing is wrong with you, Emily. Jared likes basic pageant girl types, not sassy silly types. That’s okay, stop placing your self-worth on other people’s opinions of you.
- Plus, who wants a guy who picks the pageant girl type anyway?
- Izzy, Vinny, Lace and Grant are on a double date and it’s so boring that I had to rewind it twice to see what happened because the profile of the random aspiring musician who just auto-followed me on Twitter was more interesting.
- Daniel is looking at his plate full of steamed broccoli the same way Evan looks at every woman in the world.
- Evan got wasted playing drinking games.
- It resulted in a failed push up attempt and then he tried to kiss Carly again.
- My husband just yelled out, “Don’t make me watch this!”
- You don’t have to wonder why I married him.
- Hint: it was his earning potential and his willingness to watch bad TV with me.
- Either Evan drank too much or he literally died of embarrassment because the medics just got called.
- Now he’s making out with Carly.
- I think he just pulled a Squints from Sandlot.
- The boring double date just ended up at a foam party at Senor Frog’s. They dirty danced and got drinks poured on them by strangers.
- Bachelor in Paradise is just a recreation of the Senior trip to Cancun I wasn’t allowed to go on.
- You were right, Mom and dad.
- Nick is walking around moping that Josh “took” Amanda.
- As if she’s a toy that can be given or taken at will.
- Why am I still surprised by anything on this show?
- Pro-tip, you can tell the twins apart by their cup size.
- Ashley I. is in Paradise with her caterpillar eyelashes and perfect lob.
- They crazy quotient was just upped by 10,000.
- God Bless, Bachelor in Paradise.
- Ashley’s goal this season is to only cry three times.
- She’s like me watching The Notebook, minus the potential for a restraining order.
- Although if I met Ryan Gosling IRL I might turn into Ashley with Jared too.
- Jared just told her that he’s “hanging out” with Caila.
- She’s already crying.
- You’d think she would have practiced a less horrifying cry face.
- The Botox probably makes that difficult.
- Ashley is asking a parrot is she should quit the show.
- The parrot is responding with subtitles.
- Did I ingest a hallucinogen?
- The producers of this show just do whatever the eff they want, don’t they?
- How do I get that job?
- Ashley thinks she’s in love with Jared, but you can’t actually be in love with someone who looks terrified to see you.
- Again, that doesn’t apply if I meet Ryan Gosling.
- Ashley is accusing Caila of backstabbing her because apparently she called eternal dibs.
- Just like that one girl who called eternal dibs on the tetherball court in 3rd
- She was a “backstabbing whore of a friend” too.
- Ashley asked Daniel on his date and he immediately brought up sacrificing a calf.
- What kind of weird ish are Canadians into?
- I can’t wait for them to objectify the existence of Ashley’s hymen.
- That didn’t take Daniel long to bring up.
- Still a virgin.
- Still don’t care.
- Daniel says he “swings both ways” on Fridays.
- Makes sense.
- Ashley said that she can’t get over Jared until she has someone else to move onto.
- Can you hear my eyeballs rolling out of my head?
- Daniel just referred to himself as Canadian Bacon when discussing Ashley’s virginity.
- I really need to up my Canadian jokes.
- If you’re keeping track, Ashley is using up cry number two.
- No clue why.
- Josh is growling into Amanda’s mouth again.
- Haven’t they ever heard of Mono?
- A new girl walked in and every man’s eyes went up and down like Daniel’s libido on Fridays.
- The twins gave new girl Jen a quick recap of the season and now I’m out of a job.
- Jen took Nick on her date despite his circus tent board shorts.
- She said she’s obsessed with him and he liked it.
- It’s like every fanfic I’ve ever read.
- I should be writing Bachelor in Paradise fanfic.
- Evan agreed to take an ambulance to a Mexican hospital for his hurt ankle just so he could spend time with Carly.
- Next he’ll be chaining her to the wall in his basement.
- Jen and Nick are making out on a beach swarming with crabs.
- If that’s not an omen, I don’t know what is.
- Wait, Carly maybe likes Evan again?
- I don’t know why I’m surprised by her bad taste. Just look at those eyebrows.
- Ashley is crying again. That’s three. What do we get when number four happens?
- Second rose ceremony of the week. Is this show going to suddenly start respecting my time?
- Doubt it.
- Nick just told Ashley that she’s not in love with Jared, she’s just obsessed.
- Cry number 4.
- Now Jared and Ashley are fighting because he wants Caila and she wants him. Cry number 5.
- Cry number 6.
- Just kidding, that last one was from me because this episode is done and I still don’t know which girls are going home.
- Should I watch After Paradise?
- Nope.
That’s it for week 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. How many Ashley cries do you think we have in store next week? Is there any chance that Jared will keep Ashley instead of Caila? Will we only talk about Ashley for the rest of the season? I’d be fine with that. Let’s talk in the comments!
