(Don’t know who the ef UC and Moon are: Go here: LetterstoTwilight.com)
The One Where Moon and UC are still alive!
Moon: ummmmm ring ring, is UC there?
Moon: this is your old friend moon
UC: hi there
Moon: did we know that Kristen Stewart wrote poetry?
UC: haha.. not that … i knew?
Moon : and let a magazine publish it???
Moon: yes, apparently she was going to take a year off and be an artist. I’m crying laughing thinking about it and the title of the poem is… AHHHMAZING.
Moon: do you wanna read it?
UC: yes. will it make my night?
Moon: If your night is really terrible, maybe? But first do you think it rhymes?
UC: oh man. if it’s good it doesn’t. from what I know about poetry, so probably
Moon: Ok, put on your glasses and tweed jacket with patches. this is some freshman year poetry realness
The One with THE POEM
“My Heart Is a Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole”
I reared digital moonlight
You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black
Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen
Thrown down to strafe your foothills
…I’ll suck the bones pretty.
Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps
Spray painted everything known to man,
Stream rushed through and all out into
Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck
Through our windows boarded up
He hit your flint face and it sparked.
And I bellowed and you parked
We reached Marfa.
One honest day up on this freedom pole
Devils not done digging
He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle
And this pining erosion is getting dust in
And I’m drunk on your morsels
And so I look down the line
Your every twitch hand drum salute
UC: “My Heart Is a Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole” WHAT? That is the worst thing i’ve ever read. What does it MEAN. are you interpreting it line by line?
Moon: SO MANY WORDS. so much theasauruses used. oh i have some ideas
Moon: she clearly wrote this on that road trip a few years back when her and her buddies got those AWFUL tattoos… Marfa / pan handle
Moon: maybe she was retracing Rob’s roadtrip through texas
UC: you DID think about it! hahaha
Moon: This is kristen, of COURSE i thought about it. Remember when Rob was scene in texas and Jordan the LTT unicorn went out looking for him?
UC: gaahahaha yes. in… was that… whats it called, where the Gaines live? WACO?
Moon: marfa? Marfa is near Austin
UC: is that where Rob was?
Moon: I cant even remember…
The One Were We Dissect It
Moon: so is this about rob or alicia?
UC: let me re-read……. I’ll suck the bones pretty. ??
Moon: they were eating a lot of BBQ. It IS austin
UC: when did she write it?
Moon: I googled, it came out around 2014???
UC: hmmmm. rob?? she prob wrote it earlier
Moon: Yea, from the content seems like it was written way earlier
Moon: like i’m pretty sure you cant turn kismet into kismety
Moon: not a word. Also, “Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps” and “my heart is a wiffle ball”… is kristen trying to tell us she has a congenital heart disease/abnormality? SOMETHING is really wrong with her heart.
UC: She’s saying My heart BROKE. HIS NATURE PERFORMATED that ORGAN PUMP. the wiffle ball!??? Maybe this was our first sign she was into girls. Sorry lesbian stereotype #softball
Moon: is bad poetry a lesbian stereotype too?
UC: that and a subaru
Moon: well, she probably wrote this in a suburu driving across texas… soooo, honestly thought this line “He hit your flint face and it sparked.” said SPARKLED… cause…
UC: Yes.. i read sparkled too! hahahah
Moon: SO DID SHE sparked is probably a typo and she really meant Sparkled.
Moon: ok my honest read on this…
she’s on a road trip with her friends… she keeps getting texts from rob and looking at her phone. alicia is on the trip and reminding her how to love again and that a new life is possible. rob didn’t like alicia. somewhere between marfa and bad tattoos rob was still texting (devil’s not done digging, he’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle) and we know he mumbles a lot.
‘pining erosion’ – she’s not really into it anymore
and she’s getting drunk off how awesome she thinks Alicia is
and she looks to the future of what COULD BE
Then they get terrible tattoos
and now i’ve fully assumed my new life form as a krisbian.
UC: hahahahhahahahah. you NAILED it. there is no way that has any other meaning other than what you just laid out up there
Moon: i’m currently on Ebay trying to buy the “get off my dick” shirt kristen used to wear. SHH.
Moon: I wonder if she wrote this in Notes on her phone and shared it with Alicia and her friends one night in a hotel room and they were OMG GURL you’re SOOO DEEP
UC: hahaha.. You gotta get this publisheddddddd! and she sent it to her agent the next day
Moon: it’s like parents who says their kid is an amazing singer and they’re terrible and they don’t find out until their audition for American Idol (RIP). This is like the celebrity version of that.
UC: who was like… “oh dear God… but at least this could take the pressure off the ROBSTEN story?”
Moon: Ok, my last question for UC before we put these UC and Moon costumes back in the closet… if Kristen’s heart is a wiffle ball/freedom pole, what is YOURS?
UC: I think mine is a gymnastics floor/freedom pole? I really resonate with the sports analogy and I like anything that has to do with POLES. What about yours!?
Moon: My heart is a salsa bar/burrito bowl
UC: hahahha burrito bowl! lucky I’ll take a bite *wink wink*
Moon: EAT MY MORSELS. how gross is the word morsel, kristen!?!?
And the UC and Moon rode off into the sunset in Kristen’s old Mini Cooper (minus the stains).