It’s also Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but who cares about that?
JoJo and her remaining 8 suitors continued their South American adventure this week when they landed in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Argentina looks idyllic and the Bachelors look like they coordinated their outfits. Well, everyone except Alex the mini-Marine; it’s hard to coordinate outfits when you haven’t finished puberty yet.
Here are my favorite moments from JoJo’s fifth week on The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
JoJo has a revelation
Chris Harrison made a quick appearance at the beginning of this episode to check in on JoJo’s mental state and show off how good she looks in red. JoJo said that she’s developing real feelings for a few of the men (cough, Jordan and Luke, cough) and she suddenly understands how it was possible to fall in love with multiple people at once. She exasperatedly asked Chris, “What if I fall in love with two people just like Ben?” Chris’ eyes lit up like the grand finale at a Fourth of July fireworks show while I hurriedly added it to my vision board.
Wells this is Awkward
After JoJo’s existential crisis it was time for her one-on-one date with my boy Wells who, if I’m being honest, has looked better. I’m not sure if it was jet lag or if he was actively battling the Bubonic plague, but I’d believe either excuse for the dark circles under his eyes and the conspicuous absence of his sense of humor.
Before JoJo arrived, Wells felt it was necessary to inform the rest of the men she’s simultaneously dating that he’s the only remaining bachelor who hasn’t kissed her yet. Their response was utter shock. I haven’t witnessed men discuss a kiss that much since Squints assaulted Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot. Robby shook his head in dismay admitting he “hasn’t been able to keep his hands off of her” and we were all like, “Yeah, we know and it’s making us uncomfortable. Stop.”
The awkwardness of JoJo and Wells’ date continued with him hunting for that first kiss in between doing weird performance art acts that required him to wear spandex leggings while water wrestling with JoJo on a moving stage. How could there not be romance with a dream date like that? Eventually they did kiss, causing JoJo to yell out, “That was the moment!” So I’m sure it wasn’t staged at all. They went to dinner that evening where they discussed Wells profuse sweat glands and his ex-girlfriend over an unfinished meal. I don’t know how JoJo didn’t jump him right then and there. Instead she sent him home without the date rose.
Group Dates Suck
I liked Wells a lot, he was a breath of normalcy in a sea of sinew, but we all knew there was no chance he was going to win this thing. Speaking of sinew, it was time for the group date which featured, Jordan, Robby, Luke, James Taylor and Alex. They spent the daylight portion of their date shopping at a street fair, sampling the Argentinian equivalent of food truck cuisine (hope they packed Imodium) and playing soccer with a group of locals. At least that’s what everyone except James Taylor (not that one) was doing. He must have spent most of the date recording voice overs listing his insecurities. We get it JT (not that one either), you don’t look exactly like the other Muscle Milk guzzling bachelors, but what really makes someone attractive is their confidence. The incessant self-doubt needs to stop. This is The Bachelorette, not real life, you’re not allowed to have actual emotions.
The soccer game continued with Luke looking like he’s never kicked anything in his life and Robby attempting to bribe the goal keeper. That bodes well. James Taylor had a redemption moment when he scored the winning penalty kick, but he had been complaining so much it felt like when you let your kid win at Candyland so you don’t have to hear them cry for the next hour. The men picked up JoJo in victory and carried her off to their after party, but I was just sad, because they failed to have the mini-Marine as one half of a lopsided shoulder carry. Way to let me down, Harrison.
Worst Party ever
That night they attended the requisite group gathering which I hesitate to call a “party” because everyone seemed pretty miserable. Everyone except JoJo that is because she was finally getting some alone time with Luke. Luke attempted to connect with JoJo emotionally by bringing up the strong feelings he has for her and thinking about coming back to visit Argentina together someday. I’m pretty sure I was the only one paying attention to Luke though because it was all JoJo could do to keep from mounting him before the words were out of his mouth. She’s using you, Luke! I mean, I don’t blame her because you’re kinda boring in a guy-with-a-really-hot-face kind of way, but still, she’s using you for your perfect kisses. Just FYI. Carry on.
After JoJo got her Luke lust (I’m going to trademark that) under control, she sat down with James Taylor (not that one) who made the fatal error of talking bad about Jordan with the good hair. Big mistake, James, no one talks bad about Jordan and survives another episode. This time, JoJo brought up James’ accusations to Jordan who was not pleased. He returned to the couches where the rest of the men were lounging with their drinks where he proceeded to drink passive aggressively like that one Kermit the Frog meme.
Jordan and James got into it a bit about the fact that James called him “entitled” but I zoned out, because nothing disinterests me more than good-looking, accomplished, white males insisting they’re not entitled. In the end JoJo gave Luke the date rose which he straight up earned with that kiss. Who wants to order a Luke Lust t-shirt?
three to tango
Now that I’ve started a t-shirt business, it’s time for Chase and Derek to go on the unprecedented second two-on-one date of the season. We are witnessing history here. You’ll remember Derek as the way too nice John Krasinski lookalike and Chase as the tall one who looks exactly like the other men she’s attracted to. Do you see where this is heading? The prediction I made last week came true when the first part of their date was to dance a dueling tango. JoJo looked beautiful in a red dress while Chase and Derek were dressed in opposing black and white shirts. The drama was prearranged at all, I’m sure. The dance itself was pretty steamy with intense eye contact, touching foreheads, and leg caresses, but the real fun came at dinner that night.
JoJo took each of the men aside individually. She kissed Derek after he confessed that he’s falling for her, but JoJo is concerned that
he’s not her type their relationship is falling behind. Plus their kiss was physically painful to bear witness to. No one should be subjected to that kind of awkwardness. Luke lust it was not. Then she spent her individual time with Chase berating him for not opening up enough to her. Because nothing makes a man want to be vulnerable like manipulating him into admitting feelings. She said that Chase “opened up her eyes to a lot” but she just meant that she thinks he’s hot.
It was no surprise when Chase got the date rose, nor was it a surprise when JoJo made it about herself saying, “this doesn’t make me feel good.” It wasn’t even shocking when Derek cried in the limo like his puppy just got ran over right after he got picked last in gym class. No the best surprise of all was when a singer came out to sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” at full voice while Derek cried…in Argentina. The Bachelor producers are my favorite trolls.
Let’s Get Rid of Some Guys
JoJo arrived to the cocktail party wearing a form fitting gown that had me coveting whatever form of control top spanks she had on underneath that thing. She looked incredible while listening to Jordan assure her that he wants to “do life” with her. Do life? Did Jordan go to church camp with me?
As a reminder, Luke and Chase both had roses and Jordan clearly wasn’t going anywhere so it came down to James Taylor and Alex. Let’s not kid ourselves, both of them need to go home, but I was hoping at least Alex would be leaving. I’ve had enough of his bad attitude and I’ve run out of short jokes. Just when she was going to drop the metaphorical ax, JoJo asked to speak to Chris Harrison outside. Did this mean she was going to get rid of both of them? Say it’s true!
Nope, she asked if she could keep them both for another week. Nothing disappoints me more than finishing an episode of The Bachelorette without seeing a grown man cry. Quick, rewind to Derek in the limo with Evita singing in the background. I feel better now.
Coming up next week
It’s the Fourth of July next Monday and since The Bachelorette is made of true patriots, they will not be airing a new episode. That means we will have to suffer through another two weeks of emptiness and despair waiting to see what new shenanigans JoJo and her surplus of boyfriends get into. The clip from the next episode included a shot of Alex wearing a beret while attempting to detach JoJo’s bottom lip from her face, so it should be awesome.
my top picks (no spoilers)
I’m even annoying myself with the lack of movement in my top four but come on, this is too obvious.
What did you think about JoJo’s decision not to get rid of anyone this episode? Can you believe we have to wait two weeks to find out what happened? Is Derek still crying? Tell me in the comments.