YOLO for Rollo
One last possibility is that that the title was actually supposed to be YOLO, because this was the epi in which Gisla threw caution to the wind and her medieval undergarments to the floor, and went all-in on being Mrs. Rollo Traitorpants. Rollo pulls out all the wooing stops, first by wowing Gisla by speaking the language of love, or as the French call it: “how we talk.” Rollo softens Gisla up more by assuring her that he slaughtered Ragnar’s band of men, women and children just for her (*swoon*). He then seals the deal by giving her the Norse equivalent of his Livestrong bracelet.
Gisla is not made of stone, people!!! So she does what any warm-blooded, God-fearing woman would do in the face of this wooing onslaught – “sautes ses os!” (that’s “jumped his bones” for you who don’t parlez)
This right here? I died.
Not to look a gift scrump in the mouth, but I was kind of looking forward to a slower burn between these two – you know – shared lustful looks at the public hanging of a pagan, longing stares across a battlefield littered with smoking corpses, sweet surprise gifts of each other’s deepest desires secretly tucked under pillows at night . . .
Tip for Rollo: Heads are a bitch to wrap – I suggest a gift bag instead.
But all was forgiven in light of Gisla’s transformation from a bloodthirsty, vengeful, virginal Sandra Dee from Grease into a bloodthirsty, vengeful, sex-starved Sandra Dee from Grease, all thanks to an injection of vitamin Rollo!
I love that she is transformed by the power of the sexy, but she may want to adjust her dosage a little. She is so hooked she can’t make it through a meal without a hit of her 6′-2″ bundle of axe-wielding man hunk (I do NOT blame you, sister!), which makes for the world’s most awkward Christmas dinner.
Um, so how ’bout those Frankish Mets?
Ragnar the martyr
In a previous post, I accused Rollo of being the “Billy Carter” of the Vikings world, but in light of Ragnar’s antics this week I need to amend that to the “Roger Clinton” of the Vikings world, because Bill is clearly Ragnar’s spirit animal.
Having identified the one person in Kattegatt who has not had it with his crazy, Rags predictably becomes infatuated with Aslaug’s slave/shiny object, Yidu. They commiserate over their respective lives of servitude, and Yidu charms Ragnar with her complete ineptitude as a servant, all under Aslaug’s watchful eye. Then, in this week’s “dick move,”Aslaug offers Ragnar a freebie with Yidu, to which Ragnar responds:
Really, Ragnar? Only if that’s what Aslaug wants? Call the Pope – we have ourselves a gen-u-wine saint right here! He shall be known as Saint Ragnar the “I’ll hit that if it makes my wife happy” martyr.
In order to get to know her better, Ragnar introduces Yidu to his pet snake (wink). . . no really, an actual reptile that he keeps in his special man-cave. It is here that the real magic happens! Yidu supplies Ragnar with some serious acid-like drug, they get crazy and it is GLORIOUS! There is swinging from the rafters, swallowing of live snakes whole AND interpretive fire dance!
If that isn’t enough to win my everlasting love, this also happens:
Ragnar’s audition tape for the role of Gollum
Shit, it’s the cops! Jump in the ‘yol’ and let’s beat it!
Seriously, the only thing that prevents this from being an actual scene from the Summer of Love is the absence of hacky sacks and a bong shaped like Lyndon Johnson’s head. Now, whatever your feelings may be regarding former Chief Justice Antonin Scalia, I am pretty thrilled that his passing has removed a major obstacle to my ability to legally marry this scene, because I want to have its psychodelic paisley babies.
The trip ends with some-sort of heavenly plane mind-meld between Ragnar and Yidu, and cuts away just before this happens:
Ragnar, I get the Yidu thing. Lagertha is no longer around to call you on your shit, Aslaug is in the process of turning your family against you, and Yidu is the only person left that you connects with. But that won’t stop me from referring to you as “Saint Bubba” from here on out.
I was a little concerned last week that Bjorn’s “bear slaughter induced strength” wouldn’t kick in fast enough to help him defeat the berserker sent by Kalf and Erlunder to get him out of the picture. But Bjorn used his bjrains AND his bjrawn to fashion a particularly gruesome method of “reeling” the berserker in (seewhatIdidthere), and fashioning party streamers out of his intestines. He also finds King Horrock’s ring in the berseker’s possession. (Do you not watch “Law and Order,” Erlunder? D’uh.)
Sometime later, Kalf and Erlunder’s chillax sesh in the Hedeby town hall is interrupted by a mysterious stranger. Could it be . . .? Yes, it’s Bjorn, m*thereffers!!!
Not surprisingly the “dude-bros of Hedeby” are a little unnerved by the appearance of the guy they put a hit out on, as evidenced by this exchange:
Bjorn has come for Torvi (aka “Erlunder’s wife”), and instead of being relieved that Bjorn didn’t just disembowel him on spot, Erlunder forces Torvi to choose Bjorn or her kid. Lagertha (aka “the baddest-ass bish”) steps in and offers to care for the kid so Torvi can follow her true love. But is that really what this is? I mean, yeah they sexed it up a few times, but it didn’t seem like a relationship built on strong emotion. In a recent interview, Alexander Ludwig talked a little about his motivations in taking Torvi.
It’s him kind of just taking what he wants and what’s his and that’s something you’ll see more in this season as well is that he becomes more ruthless as a character and he takes what he wants and doesn’t think twice about it so at the beginning it’s a bit of a power play and I wouldn’t say it goes much further than purely a sexual attraction. “
In other words, Bjorn says this to Erlunder:
HA! Take that, tool!
Let’s meet Bachelor #2
A mysterious stranger shows up in Kattegatt, and gets mighty cozy with Aslaug and the boys next to Ragnar’s hearth. King Harald claims to be interested in learning at the feet of the great Ragnar in order to win a woman who previously dissed him (was it Aslaug? Do they actually already know each other? Did she call him there? So many questions!). But the conversation between Harald and Aslaug turns treasonous pretty quickly, and it seems he is much more intent on drinking Ragnar’s milkshake than learning his raiding secrets!
There is just so much happening in Vikings world right now!!!! Join us next week for the next “supa hot fiery burst” of Vikings awesome!
What part of Rollo’s wooing finally won you over? Is Ragnar planning to learn the saxophone to be more like Bill? Why did the Seer lick Floki’s hand? Is Floki next to throw his hat in the ring to become Ragnar’s usurper? Is Harald there because of Aslaug, or is it just random? Will next week be the episode where Judith belts out “I am woman hear me roar?”
All Vikings images courtesy of the History channel.