Season 4 of Vikings on History has begun!
Last we saw Ragnar, he was figurately at Death’s door. This season we find him literally at Death’s door, riding toward the gates of Valhalla and the joyous sounds of the dead in celebration. But interspersed with the visions of the afterworld, he also shown visions of Aslaug seeming to plot her ascendance to queen of Kattegatt upon Ragnar’s death.
Not so fast Rags, it is not time for you to die yet, say the gods. Not only does Ragnar need to keep control of Kattegatt, but it is imperative that he pass his tips for royal success down to his heirs.
The eyes [still] have it
So Ragnar’s having a pretty crap day – he’s denied reunion with Athelstan, learns that his wife may betray him, and he’s awaken to learn that, for the one thousandth year in a row, fur is the must have look for winter! His loss is our gain, as we are treated to a trifecta of crazy eyes while he adjusts to his new reality.
Well played, Ragnar.
Aslaug kicks off the cray with a seemingly innocuous comment, from which it all goes to hell:
Aslaug: Everyone’s so glad you are alive.
Ragnar (who just cannot with her duplicity):
Aslaug: Oooooookay then. (makes crazy motion next to head and points at Ragnar)
But never fear! Irritated “crazy eyes” are soon supplanted by “shiny object syndrome crazy eyes” as Ragnar’s heat seeking missile locks on to Aslaug’s new purchase: Yidu (played by Dianne Doan), a slave of Asian descent, brought from Paris.
I can’t help but think Aslaug picked her because she would be irrestible to King ADHD, I just haven’t figured her game out yet.
Just when things were turning around for Ragnar, he learns that Bjorn has arrested his BFF/all-around crazeball Floki for the murder of his priest/man-crush, Athelstan. Ragnar had some secret plans for dealing with Floki betrayal, but Bjorn forced his hand with the arrest. This caused Ragnar to throw his patented “I can’t believe you didn’t read my mind, and now you’re going to make me kill my best friend” face.
Yep, that’s the one.
Rags, I’d warn you that if you keep doing that your eyes will stick that way, but I fear it may be too late.
Wedding Bell Blues
The wedding scene!!!! So much goodness: Gisla’s miserable, Rollo has no idea what the hell is happening, and I learned that “out-of-his-depths” Rollo is one of my favorite flavors of Rollo (second only to strawberry-flavored Rollo).
He just does not know how to solve a problem you can’t huck a sword at!
Gisla’s tearful reaction to her wedding to Rollo was completely cracking me up until my inner-feminist popped-up and screamed “she is being made a skanky mail-order bride to a big, smelly barbarian just so her coward-ass daddy doesn’t have to get his nails dirty? WTF?!!!!!!”*
I stewed in my outrage, rooting for Gisla to kick Rollo’s oppressive ass to the curb! But, then this happened:
Suddenly I was back aboard the Gis-lo ship, where I can love that their wedding night was spent with her trying to kill Rollo, while Rollo
infuriatingly romantically belittled her knife skills.
You guys are both such adorable assholes! I can’t wait for you to join forces and overthrow Emperor Le Dishrag!
Oh no she did-ent!
Meanwhile, on the western front (Northern? Eastern? Where the f*ck is Hedeby again?), we find that Lagertha has decided to procrastinate killing Kalf because
of that thing he can do with his beard he has become politically useful. After Kalf declares Lagertha co-Jarl of Hedeby, he gets static from Einar (motto: the only good Lothbrok is a dead Lothbrok). Kalf agrees to a public hearing on the matter, except by “public hearing” he actually means “massacre by crossbow,” and by “on the matter,” he means “with a special arrow through Einar’s throat.” His bad!
If that weren’t gross enough, Lagertha finally gets her satisfaction for all she’s suffered under Einar’s mechanations the old fashioned way: by cutting his junk off.
Pay special attention to the sound of “severed dick hitting the ground.” Foley artists for the win.
Rollo turns it up to 11
Rollo is not most blokes. When Rollo treasons, he does not screw around. So when a concerned citizen brings it to Rollo’s attention that some of the Norse troops are not down with fighting for Emperor Fancy McFrenchypants against Ragnar, Rollo summons his inner-diplomat and . . . kills them all with crossbows. Rollo and Kalf clearly both attended the same Viking school of diplomacy. So brutal!!! I hate it when my murderous, beastly brutes behave like murderous beastly brutes! Rollo, you are on my naughty list, and I hope Ragnar comes over breaks your traitorous skull and . . .
Ummmmm, what was I saying again?
Bjorn to be wild
And, in other news, Bjorn heads off into the wilderness to work out his daddy issues, which, being Ragnar’s son, are considerable. (Ragnar: It wouldn’t kill you to read a little Dr. Spock. Srsly.)
Floki is currently tied to a post, awaiting his fate, while Helga wrestles with whether or not to intervene on behalf of her crackpot husband and their daughter is being suuuuuuper-cute!
Well, there you have it. Vikings season 4 is headed out to sea, and it’s looking like the ride is going to be crazier than Ragnar’s “I’m going kill whoever ate the last morning bun” face!
See you next week! Skal!
What is Yidu’s deal? How long is it going to take before Gisla falls victim to Rollo’s murderous charms? Speaking of crazy eyes, what the hell is Kwenthrith up to during all this? Can Vikings really turn it up to 12?
All Vikings images are courtesy of the History Channel.
* Then my inner feminist went on to assure me that hairless legs are a tool of oppression, and that time waxing would be better spent reading Bachelor recaps while eating Frankenberries.