We are only a few days into this short bus of months, but it has already given us so much. On Monday the 3,000 people who make up the entire population of Iowa gathered in a high school gym and decided who is going to run for president with (I assume) a rousing game of kickball. Who are we to mock other countries’ political processes when we actively encourage people to stand in corners for their nominee while the local home economics teacher jots tally marks on a napkin? ‘Merica.
While former Bachelor farmer Chris Soules caucused in a corn field, our current Bachelor in Chief, Ben Higgins, was headed to Mexico where presidents are elected via wet t-shirt contest at Señor Frog’s. After exploring the local sites at exotic locations like a Spanish classroom and a grocery market, Ben would clear the field of wifely candidates from 11 to a more manageable single digit. He’ll be able to count all of his girlfriends on only two hands now, so let’s clap as that glass ceiling shatters.
Here are my favorite moments from episode 5 with gif reactions.
Early Bird Gets the Single Mom
This episode began with one of The Bachelor‘s favorite tropes, the early morning wake up. Ben snuck into the women’s Mexico City hotel suite at 4:30 am and woke them up just to rub it in their faces that he was picking up Amanda for a one-on-one date. In what world is this a good idea? If my boyfriend of 5 weeks surprised me by sneaking into my bedroom I’d be surprising him back with a shot of pepper spray right in his big beautiful brown eyes. No one sees me in my night guard until I’m guaranteed half of your worldly goods. Plus, I don’t trust anyone who is that cheerful at 4:30 am. They’re probably the type of person who enjoys camping and leaving the house on week nights.
While the rest of the women lamented their decision to sleep without a full face of makeup and formal wear, Amanda woke up with a smile. You’ll have to work harder than that to upset Amanda, Ben. She’s a single mom of 2 girls under the age of 4. A 4:30 am wake up is called Tuesday. They soon found themselves on a romantic hot air balloon ride which they followed up with by casual flirtation while lying in a field. It could have been a Cialis commercial.
I hope Ben and Amanda were being paid per use of the word “like” during this date because, like, they, like, used it, like, a lot. It was incessant. Also incessant? Ben’s love of a project. Amanda is beautiful and sweet, but she seems like a lot (being a 25 year-old divorcee and single mom) for 26 year-old Ben to take on. At dinner that evening she told him that her marriage ended due to her husband’s infidelity, but that her experience makes her value marriage more than ever. For his part, Ben couldn’t believe that her ex was dumb enough to let her go. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake so she got the rose. Good for her, but I bet she wishes he could have started this whole day after 9 am like a gentleman.
Me Llamo es Bachelor
The next day it was time for Ben to take 9 of the women on an “intimate” group date. This week it finally hit me that I’ve been on group dates like this before. It’s basically what every interaction I ever had with the token cute boy at church camp was like. Ben is just the grown up version of that poor junior high boy being fawned over by a swarm of future housewives while he does some innocuous task like clean up his dinner dishes. He better enjoy it while it lasts because in my experience that boy ends up balding with 5 kids and an Astrovan before the age of 30.
For this group date Ben and the ladies started with a Spanish lesson complete with a ruler wielding instructor. They’ve really doubled down on the classroom theme this season huh? They’ve spent more time on school campuses than in bathrooms crying and that’s saying something. The ladies and Ben took turns reciting cringeworthy Spanish phrases to each other like “I want to kiss you” and “I am falling in love with you.” Don’t worry, this wasn’t romantic at all. It was, however, extremely successful in making the women jealous of one another. Goal achieved, producers.
Dinner for 10
After working themselves into a tizzy of jealousy, the menagerie continued their date with a cooking competition that required them to break into pairs. Naturally, one of the pairs was going to include Ben. This led to a brief intermediary law course taught by Olivia during which she clung to Ben citing the precedence that possession is 9/10ths of the law. Her bullish behavior succeeded in winning some one-on-one time with “her man” but further cemented her on the other women’s blacklists.
After teaming up, they were all released into the wilds of an upscale grocery store to shop for ingredients. Since the women have been on an all white wine diet for the past month they were inordinately excited to see rare ingredients like cheese and meat. The cooking commenced and let me just say that if all cooking shows were overlaid with audio of people making fun of Olivia’s bad breath I’d probably learn how to cook. That would be handy since the chefs who would be judging their meals claimed that “a girl is only ready to get married when she knows how to cook.” That’s my righteous indignation over there in the corner saying “let me at ’em.” Don’t worry, the misogyny didn’t end there. They made sure to have JoJo talk about her delicious taco in a thinly veiled innuendo too. Good thing my standards are incredibly low or I would have had to change the channel before Jubilee and Leah were crowned the winners earning them…a whole bunch of nothing.
Not so Jubilant, Jubilee
In the words of R. Kelly, “after the show, it’s the after party.” I use the term “party” loosely here because nothing seems fun about sitting around waiting for a turn to speak to your boyfriend while other girls make out with him. Haven’t these people ever heard of mono?
Throughout the entire day Jubilee was getting increasingly agitated. She was annoyed with Ben’s insincere words during the Spanish lesson, angry that Olivia stole her man during the cooking lesson and irate when Ben spent an extremely long time at the after party kissing Lauren B. on the cobblestone streets of Mexico City. By the time it was her turn with Ben she was so angry that she refused to hold his hand which set off a domino effect of emotions resulting in her being sent home. That’s where the “after the party, there’s the hotel lobby” part of that R. Kelly song comes into play. Only in this case it’s after the party, there’s the hotel lobby where Ben sits in sadness as he watched Jubilee walk away brokenhearted. JoJo comforted Ben with a fatal attraction gleam in her eyes that quickly turned to shock when Ben gave the date rose to Olivia.
The weird thing about this show is that it somehow convinces intelligent viewers such as yourself that Jubilee was out of hand for being jealous of Ben’s time. Even I was shouting at the TV for Jubilee to take a chill pill. (By that I meant hop down to the corner store to grab some Prozac. Prescription meds are super easy to get in Mexico.) That’s insane! Of course Jubilee should be jealous if the guys she likes is into other people. That’s a normal human reaction. It just means this show isn’t for her. I’m still hopeful that she could be our first black/war veteran Bachelorette. Which corner do I stand in to caucus for that?
One of the Laurens gets a date
Now that Jubilee was gone there were only 10 women left. Lauren H. was hoping it wouldn’t be down to 9 after her one-on-one date with Ben. You’ll remember Lauren H. as the chicken costume wearing embarrassment from last week. She also made a special appearance in her retainer when Ben gave the women that early wake up call. Rough edit, girl.
Lauren H. is a cute Kindergarten Teacher who appears to have stolen her wardrobe of tiny peasant tops and denim shorts from her students. Luckily for her she’s gettng a whole new outfit because she and Ben were modeling brightly colored silk shirts in a Mexico City Fashion Week show on their date. Other than the paralyzingly insecurity I would have around professional models this seemed like a fun experience and Ben was especially cute when he winked at her on the runway.
At dinner that night, Lauren told Ben about her last relationship which ended due to (you guessed it) her boyfriend’s infidelity. I swear everyone on this show has been cheated on, but no one has made the connection that they’re dating a man who currently has 10 other girlfriends. Have you learned nothing?! Ben made Lauren feel “seen” and he validated her by giving her the date rose. Enjoy that rose, Lauren H. because I’m getting a major friend vibe from the two of you.
Not much of a party
Spoiler Alert: This episode ended with the black screen of doom. That’s right,”to be continued,” so you know this was a cocktail party to remember. Eh, more like a cocktail party I’d prefer to forget. Basically Olivia was her usual Olivia self, stealing Ben away, giving him promise rings like that one Jonas brother and making everyone mad with her (literal) big mouth. My favorite part of the night was when Olivia said she could relate to what Amanda was experiencing as a single mother because she had seen an episode of Teen Mom. Rude much? Teen Mom is a fantastic show, don’t give that much credit to Amanda’s boring stories. I may have missed the point of that argument.
No one else missed it though because soon enough all of the woman had turned on Olivia and begun using their time with Ben to complain about her. I’m of the opinion that Ben is the most emotionally intelligent Bachelor of all time so he handled this news with grace, but suspicion. When everyone is yelling smoke there’s usually fire -or a half-crazed former news anchor who wants to tie you down and have your babies. This episode ended with him taking Olivia aside before the Rose Ceremony. Will Olivia be the first woman to get the sacred rose of fidelity taken away? Fingers crossed!
See You soon
Next week we’ll find out what Ben decides to do with Olivia and which of the women will be sent home at the rose ceremony. We’ll also find out why Ben was standing on an rocky pier in an ill-fitting suit. It’s windy out there, Ben, get a life jacket…and a tailor!
My top picks
Ugh, all of these women are starting to blend together. I think Ben is going to end up with that one girl with the long hair and nice teeth. That should narrow it down.
What do you think Ben is going to say to Olivia? Who is he going to send home at the rose ceremony? Will you miss Jubilee? Tell me in the comments!
*images are courtesy of abc unless otherwise sourced