But I’m the first to admit: there were some good things that came out of the celluloid version of Twilight with safe words. First, we got shirtless Jamie Dornan. Sure he only had two facial expressions throughout the movie and he sounded like he was covering up his accent to hide from Immigration, but one peak at his six pack and all is forgiven.
Second, the soundtrack is pretty kick ass and quickly taught me that The Weeknd was only one person and adding to my ever growing list of useless knowledge.
The third? Well, that didn’t really come to fruition until this past weekend and it bitch slapped me like some Christian Grey foreplay. While all of America was seeing Ryan Reynolds look like a shriveled cucumber with abs, I gave my money to How to Be Single. And by the end of the movie, I finally acknowledged to myself what I so desperately denied:
I have a girl crush on Dakota Johnson.
That’s right. I’m adding Dakota to the coveted Julie girl crush group that includes Jennifer Lawrence, Sandra Bullock, Zooey Deschanel, and Eleanor Roosevelt. (Wait. Eleanor isn’t on your girl crush list? Fail.)
So why do I crush on DJ? Let me count the ways.
Crushable #1: She Has a Wicked Sense of Humor
And you kinda have to have one if you had to read “What are butt plugs” with a straight face. Interview after interview, Dakota has proven that she knows how to let loose, let her freak flag fly, and make even Jimmy Fallon giggle. And although I tried to resist, she managed to break through my wall and I started giggling too.
Don’t believe me? Watch her interview with Watch What Happens Live and her campaign for Dornan’s D. And no, it’s not a future donut chain.
Crushable #2: She Got Game
Now, this is the point where some of you will roll your eyes, leave a comment that starts with “Are you serious,” find me on Twitter and block me. If that’s the case, you’re mean.
If you’ve seen FSOG, you know that one of the film’s few saving graces was Dakota’s performance. She was able to take a girl who was otherwise considered to be a passive, weak, and flat character that sent the women’s movement back a few decades and give her some clout. Sure her wardrobe choices were somewhat drab, but her portrayal made Anastasia Steele somewhat tolerable.
And her other roles? Netflix the canceled series Ben and Kate, which in my opinion was gone to soon. Her comedic timing was spot on. And her role as Alice in How to Be Single was the perfect counterpart for Rebel Wilson’s promiscuous and proud of it Robin.
Crushable #3: She’s the Anti-Kardashian
There are a few people in Hollywood today that made their way simply by riding on their family’s genetic coattails. (I’m looking at you, Jaden Smith.)
Yes, her grandmother is Tippy Hepburn. Yes, her parents are Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, and at some point Antonio Banderas was her step-daddy.
But what she’s missing is a sense of entitlement. Thank God.
“I’ve come to understand the allure of that to other people, how it seems to interesting and different. But for me, it’s just family.”
Rather than constantly remind you of her affluent childhood in Hollywood, Dakota Johnson comes across as a girl who both loves and is embarrassed by her family (Just like us!), her parents refuse to accept the fact that she’s seen peen (Just like us!), and tolerates her parents’ crazy (Just like us!). She got to make out with Jamie Dornan, just like…dammit.