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There are two types of people who clicked on this link. Nerdfighter Fangirls who read everything with Ansel’s name attached to it, and militantly anti-Ansel Star Wars fans. Hello, friends and enemies. Welcome to the post that will make all of you hate me.
Variety released the not-so-short list of top contenders to play the young Han Solo in the anthology film slated for 2017. Why so early? Well, there are rumors that Young Han will briefly appear in Rogue One, coming out this year, and they wanted to be able to announce him so he can film.
So who’s on this much talked about list? There are a couple of high profile contenders that I think are there just to generate buzz. Mainly, Miles Teller and Dave Franco. There’s no way they are seriously considering one of the rumored biggest jerks in Young Hollywood to play our lovable scoundrel, nor is there any way that Dave Franco can ever realistically play someone of any intellectual capacity, let alone a skilled pilot. The rest? Too old, too young, too chubby, too unattractive, too innocent. It really falls down to two of them for me.
Who is apparently married to Supergirl, so kudos on having a hot wife, but was also infamously in Glee … post season one Glee, which as everyone knows, was a sad sad sh!tshow, and therefore no one can ever forgive him for it.
I’m sorry, Blake Jenner, oh you of the unfortunate surname. You have a nice jaw, but it’s almost TOO nice, and every clip I can find of you on the internet has you in a colorful cardigan headed to “nationals” or in a Sgt Pepper suit. It cannot be erased from my mind. Please go quietly into the ether and let your wife be a star instead. She is, after all, doing a movie with Sam Heughan.
If you love Ansel already you don’t need me to convince you that he’d be a great Han. He’s charismatic. He’s self-deprecating. He’s talented. He’s chameleonic. Even his features match for Harrison. You get it. We’re on the same page.
But if you HATE Ansel, and apparently, A LOT OF YOU DO, allow me to make a case without the use of the one thing that unites all Ansel-haters together … his prior movies. #NotMyGus
Look, I’m no John Green apologist. I was not a fan of The Fault In Our Stars film for lots of different reasons, the least of which was Ansel. That movie killed any love I’d ever had for the book and turned it into unmitigated ambivalence. Except the Anne Frank scene, which even the mere thought of turns me into a raging tsunami of righteous anger. The Anne Frank House scene on the page is horrible enough, but watching it play out IN THE ACTUAL MOTHER TRUCKING ANNE FRANK HOUSE made me want to burn the word “Okay” out of my OED. Whew. Anyway.
Point is: I’m not into HANSEL (the new mashup name I just made for Han is Ansel) because I love him as Gus, or because I bothered to watch the Divergent movies (shocker alert: I didn’t). I’m into Hansel because I think it just works. It just clicks. And I want you to see it. So, allow me to show you in the currency of our lives: gifs (none of which came from TFioS because: gross).
Not every actor can dunk like this. You think a smuggler doesn’t get boarded sometimes? They do. And when they do, they gotta be quick getting out of scrapes. Young Han can’t be a lazy looking nerf-herder.
Unlike some of the other names on the list (*cough*Miles*cough*) Ansel is kind, able to laugh at himself, and he’s funny without being mean. People skills like that make you capable of walking into any cantina in any part of the galaxy any time you want.
Let’s be real, Disney is not going to make this anthology film celebrating youth and recklessness without throwing us a shirtless bone. And Young Han is going to have to live up to this:
And well …
Great shot, kid. That was one in a million.
And I don’t know much but if you can hate someone that makes that face, I feel like you could hate puppies. And you don’t deserve an opinion on Han Solo if you hate puppies.
I know you are all thinking, “He’s no River Phoenix,” but River Phoenix was no River Phoenix, ok? Ansel’s mouth, his slightly crooked nose, his chin. It.Works. You lie if you think otherwise.
I seriously want to know what Ansel-haters are afraid of. What’s the beef here? I get that he’s mushy mouthed and clunky in Divergent (but isn’t that character like a spineless twat?). Are you basing it all on TFiOS, because let’s be real: Ansel was NOT the lowest common denominator in that adaptation. You simply think he can’t act … like at all? Tell me in the comments. I”m dying to know why Team Hansel is a team of one.
Forget Augustus Waters. Forget dude from Divergent whose name I can’t remember. Forget the jock from Carrie. They aren’t the sum total of Ansel. He’s got scruffy-looking nerf-herder written all over him.
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