It’s the hap-happiest season of all and I am thrilled to bring you glad tidings; The Bachelor is back. Finally, the dry season that is Fall TV has passed and the floodgates of Bachelor Nation are opening to pour out two to three hours of solid secondhand embarrassment like frankincense every Monday for the next several months. God bless us, one and all. My realistic New Years resolution to watch more TV is going to be fulfilled because Chris Harrison will hose down the driveway for Ben Higgin’s season of The Bachelor beginning January 4th. Best Christmas gift ever. Alas, we all know this time of year should be more about giving than getting so here I am to give back to the new cast of The Bachelor. What am I giving? Why the gift of unsolicited superficial advice based on their bios of course.
I had just settled into my tidings of comfort and joy (yoga pants and fuzzy socks) when ABC posted the bios for this season’s cast causing my cynical frozen heart to grow three sizes. The cast features 28 beautiful women with the average age of 24 years and approximately 4 feet of hair each from all over the country who will be vying for the affection of 26 year-old software salesman Ben Higgins. Seriously, they almost all have hair that would make Ariel jealous. Is it too late to invest in a hair extension company?
As I’m sure you remember, Ben was a fan favorite from Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season of The Bachelorette with his cable knit sweaters and Peter Brady-ish good looks. He appears to be a genuinely kind man who used the word “swell” un-ironically in his tweets and finally believes, thanks to his time on The Bachelor, that he is worthy of love. I’ll have plenty to say about Ben this season, but in the spirit of this post, my unsolicited advice is to not go on a reality TV dating show to determine if you’re worthy of love but, you know, that’s just me. As for the rest of the cast? Well let’s just get started, shall we?
Dear Amanda, the 25 year-old esthetician and single mother of two. You are adorable. I appreciate your love of Pride and Prejudice and hot weather. These are the things that separate us from animals, you know? To you I gift the unsolicited advice to use a pseudonym on the show so that your daughters never have to know that the months long vacation you took was actually a daddy hunting expedition.
Amber & Becca
Dear Amber and Becca, Well hello again! I didn’t expect to see you two again so soon. I can’t say that I blame you, I’d take a Ben over Chris Soules any day and don’t worry, Amber, I won’t even bring up the summer romance you had with Justin (and Dan) on Bachelor in Paradise. We’ve all been there. To you both I gift the unsolicited advice to stop going on The Bachelor. You know, just in case the opportunity comes up again. I hear Tinder is great.
Breanne, Caila, Isabel & Jennifer
Dear Breanne, Caila, Isabel and Jennifer, Welcome to The Bachelor! I’m so looking forward to getting to know all of you. I really appreciate the fact that you are established career women. Way to lean in! My unsolicited advice to you is to each paint your fingernails different colors from one another. You know, like I used to do to my Barbie dolls so that my sister and I wouldn’t mix ours up. That way we will be able to tell you apart because, let’s face it, you’re identical.
Dear Jami, You’re one of my favorites with your sassy haircut and love of the movie Clueless. I’m really looking forward to seeing how the producers of this show exploit your (in your own words) “inexperience” as a lover. My unsolicited advice to you is to read more books. No one picks The Crucible as their favorite book unless it’s literally the last thing you can remember reading during your Sophomore year of high school. Call me, I can recommend something great.
Emily & Haley
Dear Emily and Haley, I can only imagine the look on Chris Harrison’s face when he realized that they cast the holy grail of Bachelor contestants; twins. Thank you for that. I can’t tell you how excited I am for you to play the inevitable Parent Trap prank on Ben. My unsolicited advice for you is to work on a new job description. Last time I checked “Twin” isn’t actually a paying profession, but hey, it’s important to have goals.
Dear Jackie, I loved everything about your bio. I feel like we could be friends, parachuting off the alps and googling what exactly a gerontologist does for a living. My advice for you is to keep the attitude of never having regrets. You’re going to need it.
Lace & Leah
Dear Lace and Leah, Your names go so well together that you could be the sidekick bffs in a teen comedy. I hope you two hit it off so I can write endless Lace and Leah fanfic in my free time. Until then, my unsolicited advice is not to worry if Ben doesn’t pick you. You are both from his hometown of Denver so if things don’t work out on the show you can just casually run into him at the grocery store or watch him through his bedroom window while he sleeps. Stay strong, no one likes a quitter.
Maegan & Tiara
Dear Maegan and Tiara, One of the best things about The Bachelor is that it introduces us to so many different types of lifestyles. I am more of a yuppie, suburbanite type so it is wonderful to get a glimpse of what life would be like as a Cowgirl or Chicken Enthusiast. My advice to both of you would be to bring up your love of chickens and mini-horses as much as possible. There is no way that could go badly for you.
Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, & Lauren
Dear Laurens, Wow, the early 90s were the year of the Laurens, huh? I haven’t seen this many Laurens since I watched The Hills. I can only hope that you’ll end up on group dates together so that I can watch Ben’s head explode trying to keep you straight. My advice to you is to come up with a nickname on your own before I assign one to you. The clock is ticking.
Dear Rachel, I feel like we have so much in common. I am also technically unemployed since my children don’t pay me to drive them to preschool and warm up corn dogs. It’s tough out there, right? Plus, we both obviously share the love language of gift giving. I mean, look at me giving all this advice away for free. We’re practically twins. Speaking of twins, I see that one of your favorite movies is The Parent Trap. My unsolicited advice is to reenact this movie using Emily and Haley from above as often as possible. They won’t mind, being twins is their profession.
Mandi, Olivia & Shushanna
Dear Mandi, Olivia and Shushanna, How adorable are you three? I can tell that you are all here for “the right reasons” and truly hope that you find love. I especially hope that it works out for one of you since you all share the fear of ending up alone and being rejected. Uh oh, was that foreshadowing? My advice is to learn to embrace your fears head on. Plus, no one is ever actually alone once you’re on The Bachelor. Have you seen the past contestant’s Instagram followers? You and your sponsored posts will be fine.
Jessica, Joelle, Jubilee, Laura & Samantha
Dear Jessica, Joelle, Jubilee, Laura and Samantha, I have to be honest, I’m sure you’re all wonderful people and perhaps you even hide a winner among you or at least an ugly crier, but your bios didn’t inspire me. What I did notice is that you’re all 5’4″ which is a full foot shorter than our 6’4″ bachelor, Ben. My unsolicited advice to you is to start a calisthenics routine to get your neck in to peak kissing condition. Heels are only going to get you so far, ladies. You really have to train for the long game.
Well I don’t know about all of you, but I’m really feeling in the holiday spirit after all of that generous giving. Who do is your favorite? Did I miss any crucial advice? Tell me in the comments.