Bear with me here. If there’s a problem in Paradise who does everyone turn to? Chris Harrison (and alcohol, but mostly Chris Harrison). Who sets up daily activities? That looks like Chris’ name on the date cards to me. Who keeps everyone in line while fighting a smirk at their antics? Chris gives the best smirk in Hollywood. In any given episode he navigates both rose ceremonies and requests for a room to lose one’s virginity in (oh don’t worry, more on that little nugget later) all with the patience of a man who knows he can use this material for a blog later. Guys, he’s me. From now on when I’m having a hard time with my kids I’m going to announce that it’s the most dramatic day ever and start calling time outs one-on-ones.
Here are the top moments from Week 5 of Bachelor in Paradise with my gif reactions.
The end of a humiliating era
This episode of Bachelor in Paradise brought us the return of the man we all love
to make fun of, Chris Bukowski. You’ll remember Chris from every episode of Bachelor ever. Okay, not really but he has made an appearance on five seasons now including the previous season of Bachelor in Paradise. This time around Chris claimed to be interested in Tenley, but really he was more interested in find the worm at the bottom of a bottle of Mezcal. Homeboy got chocolate wasted and spent the day doing everything except give his date card away. By the time he finally got around to asking Tenley out he could hardly see between his slow blinks. After she told him that she would only go as his friend he gave up and went home.
Later, on After Paradise, he announced his retirement from all things Bachelor saying that he couldn’t remember a single moment of his time in Paradise. He then went into disgraced politician mode by blaming his behavior on an addiction to television fame. I, for one, am going to miss the anticipation of wondering when Chris will Bukowski his way into the future seasons of the Bachelor franchise. But hey, based on his addictive personality I’m pretty sure I’ll catch him on a episode of Hoarders in about 10 years.
Joshua (somehow) gets the girl
Never one to miss an opportunity, Joshua made sure to gank Chris’ date card from him before he left. He asked Tenley to accompany him and next thing we knew they were in Guadalajara picking out fruits and vegetables with Chef Francisco Ruano. The best part of this date was hearing how impressed Joshua was that a professional chef recognized all of the fruits and vegetables. “Chef Francisco knows everything,” he said, “Every single fruit or vegetable. He knew what it tastes like and what you use it for.” Why was it impressive that a Chef knew the ingredients in the market he grew up next to and named his restaurant after, Joshua? You should be more impressed that you somehow keep talking Tenley into making out with you. I hope he bought that aphrodisiacal cheese in bulk for the plane ride home.
Justin is red hot
At the end of the last episode Justin gave his date card to Sam despite his good friend Joe laying claim. Well the next morning Sam had second thoughts so Justin had to go with plan B, Amber. Amber came to Paradise for Dan, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do and what she had to do was salsa dance with Justin.
Mid-dance Justin took off his shirt and it was the best TV ever. Not because he was hot (although he did kinda look like a Baywatch character in his red board shorts and 90s hair) but because he was HOT as in incredibly sunburned. His chest was the color of Santa Claus’ cheeks after too much eggnog. Someone get that boy some aloe, stat. I only wished Amber had chosen to drag her nails down his chest while they were dancing. Alas, I had to wait until later in the second episode when Justin went on a date with Mackenzie (single mom, believes in aliens) that included getting married by a Mexican shaman. When Mackenzie slathered his chest in mud as part of the ceremony and then scrubbed him clean I fully expected to see his skin come sloughing off.
Sam strikes again
Like I mentioned before, at the end of the last episode Sam accepted a date card from Justin cementing the end of her relationship with Joe. But apparently it wasn’t quick dry cement, because the next morning she rejected the date and told Joe she still wanted him. Okay, that was weird but poor insecure Joe was so pleased with this turn of events that I was okay with it. Their happy reunion was short lived though because suddenly Dan decided that he liked Sam too. What is it about this woman? She’s like catnip to these guys. She must be using Muscle Milk as perfume to lure them in.
Despite Sam saying that she fell in love at first sight with Joe, Dan pulled her aside to tell her his concerns about him. You know, completely selflessly and without motive. Suddenly Dan went from the good looking nice guy to the bro who likes hot chicks. So disappointing. I was sure that she wasn’t going to listen to him since she has ignored everyone else’s advice for weeks now, but I way overestimated Sam’s ability to be a decent human being. When it was her turn to hand out her rose at the rose ceremony SHE PICKED DAN. She completely turned on Joe AGAIN and sent him home in the van of shame with only their text messages to keep him company. Ice cold. It was the best.
After Sam sent Joe home she scrambled to explain herself to the rest of the cast, but they weren’t having it. While everyone rolled their eyes and ignored her, Ashley S. went full crazy saying she couldn’t even listen to Sam talk. Why, because she’s so disgusted with her actions? Nope, because “she was struck by her beauty.” She went on to talk about Sam being like Aphrodite born from a flower or a seashell and then gave her the best (weirdest?) compliment of all, “she’s like a dead bird to me.” Who else wants to take a ride on with Mrs. Frizzle on the Magic School Bus to find out what in the world is going on inside her head?
Last week Jared tried to end things with Ashley I. (again) so naturally this week she wrote him a five page letter front and back pouring out all of her feelings to him. I don’t know for sure, but I like to think that the letter ended with, “Do you like me? Circle yes or no.” Ashley made sure she told Jared she was a natural born writer, but I think she meant natural born killer, because any time another woman shows interest in Jared she looks like she’s going to straight up murder them.
This week it was both Amber (That girl is making the rounds in the house, am I right?) and newcomer Jaclyn in Ashley’s crosshairs. Jaclyn is an alum of both Bachelor and Bachelor Pad who is best known for her snarky comments and constantly looking like she smells something bad. I couldn’t have been happier when she arrived in her Beetlejuice inspired romper to declare that she really didn’t care about the other relationships. You do you, Boo! You know who could’ve been much happier? Ashley I. As soon as Jaclyn showed interest in Jared, Ashley ran to Chris Harrison (the stay-at-home mom of Bachelor in Paradise) and asked for a date card that would end in a fantasy suite.
I know you guys have heard it 1000 times already, but here’s number 1001: Ashley I. is a virgin. More importantly, her virginity is burning a hole in her pocket faster than the money my grandma gave me for my birthday. Since Jared “has the perfect face” and was looking interested in other women she figured it was time to give it up. You know, because the most important thing to consider before sleeping with someone is whether or not they’re hot and if it’ll keep their attention from straying. How old is this girl? I seriously want to pull her aside, give her a big hug and tell her she is worth so much more than her virginity, but she’d probably think I was trying to steal Jared away and shank me.
The episode ended with Jared accepting her overnight date card so we’ll have to find out what happens in the fantasy suite next week. I’m kinda disgusted with myself that I care, but why develop a TV watching conscience now?
After Paradise opened with a big disappointment. Kris Jenner was supposed to be the celebrity guest so that all of my reality TV crossover dreams could come true, but she had a “allergic reaction to a bug bite” *cough, bad reaction to Botox, cough* and couldn’t make it. I haven’t been this disappointed by a Kardashian since Khloe and Lamar broke up. The show must go on though, so instead of marveling at Kris’ unmoving face, Jared watched some clips and spoke way too sincerely about the absurdity that is Bachelor in Paradise. Does the guy ever make any jokes? Come on, entertain me!
You want entertainment? Okay then, here come the big guns. Samantha was in the studio. But she wouldn’t come on set until co-host Jenny Mollen left the stage due to some mean tweets she had written. Say what?! You don’t get to diva on Bachelor in Paradise unless you get bitten by an imaginary bug. Sam spent the next half an hour lying through her teeth about her relationship with Joe and digging the proverbial hole deeper. I get the impression that she’s used to getting her way and has no idea what do with with all of the backlash.
Finally, Ashley I. came on stage and spent a few minutes adjusting her white jumpsuit so that her bits and pieces wouldn’t come flying out. That pretty much sums it up.
Next week in “Paradise”
I don’t know how it snuck up on me, but next week the final two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise will air. It’s almost over, guys! What am I going to do with my Sunday and Monday nights now? Oh yeah, interact with my family and pretend to enjoy watching Planes: Fire and Rescue for the 5,325th time.
The final two episodes should show which of the relationships will stand the test of time or at least last through the break until Ben Higgins premieres on The Bachelor in January 2016. The preview for next week showed a whole lot of crying that seemed to center around Carly. If Kirk breaks her heart I will not be happy, but I will gleefully tune in to watch the aftermath.
What did you guys think about Joe getting sent home? I was shocked! Did anyone else notice how much Justin sweats? Some people glisten, but he seeps. What kind of magical bug keeps biting Kris Jenner? Tell me in the comments!