(Please note: I’m now told by people younger than 21 years of age that FaceBook is now ancient. I was then called “ma’am,” and was not asked for my ID while purchasing my bottle of Boone’s Farm Schnapps. Whatever.)
One day, amid posts of vacation photos, status updates about fitness routines, and invitations to Origami Owl parties, I came across the following shared post: a list of the best literary boyfriends (title redacted to protect the innocent but somewhat misguided) preceded by the comment, “Are you kidding me? This is shit!”
A list compiled of fictional men – a amalgam of women’s (and some men’s) fantasies come to life on page – and that collection sparking vitriolic attention? Color me intrigued.
I clicked on the link and scrolled through male after male, and found myself saying, “Aw, hell no!” Don’t get me wrong: there was some great contenders but where were my men? The men that have caused me to dog ear pages; reread over and over sentences, chapters, even books for? The men that have essentially ruined me for all other real life men?
So, in order to remedy this, here’s my list of my greatest literary boyfriends. Get ready to fall in love (or send me threatening tweets).
Book: Pride and Prejudice
Occupation: Um, gentleman?
Qualifications: He’s the godfather of book boyfriends – one of the first. He’s a man of few words, has a stubborn streak that eventually melts away to reveal a gentle soul. Plus, he makes a swim in the lake sexier than any red room of pain. (Yes, I know that’s the televised version of the novel, but c’mon. You know when you reread the book that image is in your head.)
Ovary Melt Down Moment: “You are too generous to truffle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”
Book: Outlander series
Occupation: Highlander, leader, printer, waterweed aficionado
Qualifications: Um, what have we yet to say at That’s Normal about James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser that has not been said? He started out an inexperienced virgin who not only caught on quickly, he graduated summa cum laude in the art of fantasies. JAMMF’s a kilt-cladded, dirk carrying, soul bearing, ginger god among men. And he’s ambidextrous. I’ll let that talent sink in for a moment.
Ovary Melt Down Moment: “I mean to make ye call me ‘Master,’ Sassenach…I mean to make you mine.”
Book: To Kill a Mockingbird
Occupation: Lawyer, father, purveyor of justice, wicked checker player, One Shot Finch
Qualifications: Before I begin, let me first start with a disclaimer: this is the Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird, not Go Set a Watchman. TKAM Atticus, in my opinion, is one of the most sexiest characters that was written not to initially inspire carnal fantasies that include humid Southern summer days, an unsullied code of Alabama, and a rocking chair. But alas, he does. His love for his children, his dedication to the law, and his understanding of human nature make for one of literature’s most eligible bachelors. Dear ABC, find a bachelor like Atticus, and I’ll make a fool of myself on national television just to get a damn rose.
Ovary Melt Down Moment: “Atticus had stopped his tranquil journey and had put his foot onto the common rung of a chair; as he listened to what Mr. Tate was saying, he ran his hand slowly up and down his thigh.”
Book: Dirty Rowdy Thing
Occupation: Fisherman and reality tv show star
Qualifications: With his knowledge of rope and knots, Finn clearly deserves a merit badge in inducing orgasms and afterglow. He’s that perfect mix of rough and tender, wild and calm. His dirty talk is the stuff of legends. Plus, he breaks the stereotype of Canadian men as just sweet, simple, nice guys; and shows us that Canadians know more than just hockey and what to order at Tim Hortons. God bless the maple leaf.
Ovary Melt Down Moment: “I like leaving marks. I like seeing you wet, and watching you walk differently in the morning because I fucked you so good your legs aren’t working right.”
Book: Catch of the Day
Occupation: Fisherman and secret piano player
Qualifications: What is it about a man who knows his way around a boat? Malone (read the book and you’ll discover if that’s his first or last name) is a man of few words. But what he lacks in vocabulary, he makes up with his knowledge of boats and how to make a woman praise Jesus on the open seas. Plus, he plays the piano. Did you get that? He. Plays. The. Piano. Think of the dexterity…
Ovary Melt Down Moment: “He leans in close, his unshaven cheek scratching mine. ‘I’m more interested in your other skills, Maggie,’ he whispers.”
So, who are your ultimate literary boyfriends? Who do I need to add to my ever growing list of fictional lovers? Leave a comment or send a tweet!