So what, you may ask, brought me over to the dark side? BEARDS. Say it with me: many, many beards. It all started with my twitter obsession, The Bearded Panty Droppers (@TheBPDofficial). They kept telling me to check these hot beards out on Instagram. I am nothing but a slave to the powers of the interwebs, so I naturally said, “What will you do for me if I do this?” To which I discovered (accompanied by music and angels singing) they would lead me to the accounts of multiple shirtless, bearded men. As many as I wanted. Like buffet style. Sign.me.UP.
Now, I’m not saying it’s all paradise here. I’ve seen some things I wish I could unsee. Because I’m a new convert, I don’t get the whole #like4like #follow4follow thing. How about buying some followers? Why would I do that, you ask? Not a clue.
Some genres of pics are bizarre. The one that has me looking like this:
is what I like to call the Alien Selfie. So many of these! Girls (only females, it appears) take their selfies from above, which makes them look like they have giant foreheads and massive eyes (don’t forget the eyelash extensions, ladies!), shrinking down to tiny pointed chins and giraffe necks that surely can’t support such massive craniums. Not sure who first decided that this was attractive, but I saw one with like a billion likes or something. Is this what we are evolving into? Maybe the first person who ever drew the classic alien face was actually a time traveller who caught a glimpse of these instagirls circa 2015.
One of these things is not like the other. JK, they’re all the same. Before you call me mean (go ahead if you have to) I should point out that I’m sure these ladies are quite lovely and in no way resemble aliens in real life. That’s why I don’t get why they are doing this on purpose. Related is the absurdly proportioned full body selfie, complete with giant head, massive boobs, tapering down to stick legs and teeny tiny lotus flower feet. If someone suggests bringing back foot binding, it’s on you full body mirror selfie girls. I’d find some pics to show you what I mean, but…looking at #mirrorselfies is now my least favourite thing.
- Male models who love to touch their own nipples, squint, stick out their tongues and/or give the Instaverse the finger. Grab some new moves, gentlemen, the 12 year old boys have these locked.
- Badly written (complete with poor grammar and spelling mistakes) inspirational quotes. Oh, these are original and I am free to share them? Just NOPE.
- Sharing your perfect love. Listen, I think I understand where you’re going with this…you LOVE this person? Tell them to their face. Last time I checked the amount you love someone isn’t directly proportional to the amount of people with whom you share this info. That being said, I’m new here, so maybe likes do equal love. Same goes for Facebook, btw. Stop that shit now.
- Fishing for compliments. “This isn’t my best pic. This might be my new Avi, but I think it makes my nose look big, what do you all think? I look tired. I hate this dress on me. Don’t mind my face.” What does that even mean? Do you want the truth? Not likely, so don’t bother. If your validation needs to come from strangers contradicting your self hate, you have bigger problems than the dress.
- Duck face. Hey, I occasionally love a good pout myself, but don’t make it your signature. It’s tired.
The best part of Instagram? You don’t really have to see ANY of that!! I’ve done the leg work! Here are some of my recently discovered highlights. Pick, choose, and enjoy!
The one you DEFINITELY have to follow:
Thats_Normal: Um, nuff said.
My Scandinavian Mafia:
PatJonasson: Swedish model. Beard. Yum.
WilliamHakansson: Swedish bearded guy. Tats, cute kids, and a sense of humour. Throws out the f-bombs like a badass, but seems like he could just be your incredibly hot neighbor. If you won the neighbor lottery.
Lasselom: Norwegian Viking dude. Manbun+arms the size of tree trunks+6ft8in=a climb I’m willing to make. In fact, I’m doing high altitude training as we speak.
Gabrielestaifo: Incredibly cut, tattooed and bearded Swedish guy. Downside is that he posts inspirational messages about fitness. Ignore those and come with me when I make my pilgrimage to all of the Scandinavian countries in hopes that all guys there look like these ones.
My not so little Deutsch boys:
AndreHamann: Someone stealing some of his pics once followed me on Twitter. I knew it wasn’t actually him, because he wasn’t the same guy in every pic. I sent the faker a message asking how he had a full sleeve of tats one day and none the next. He didn’t respond. I digress. The real Andre likes to play guitar and pull his shirt up to show off his abs a LOT. I don’t object. Bonus features: cute dog and accent.
Bendahlhausofficial: I once included a pic of him in an article I wrote about hipster beards, but had no clue what his name was. When I found him on Insta, I *may have* jumped up and down. If you can get over the blonde Jesus vibe, he’s just really beautiful.
Around the World in Approximately 80 hot guys:
Fracrox: If I wasn’t already married, I’d want to marry this guy so I could look him every day. Actually, it wouldn’t stop me. Just.No.Words.
Jonathansaxby: Ok, I think there may be a bit of Eurosleeze going on here, but super nice to look at anyway. Loves a good casual walk on the beach shot.
Levistocke: If you like beards (which I do), he sports some really sweet facial hair. Also coolness factor seems off the charts. Motorcycle. Leather. Tats. The trifecta of bad boy.
Leobodelle: Artsy, yet manly. Not always the most common combo. I’ll bet he makes some very creative home movies.
Pedrosoltz: There is no way that a man that looks like him is as sweet as he seems. It kinda turns me off. I kid, I kid. There are some shots of him where he is 100% my Shura. Therefore, I am bound to him forever. Lets just put a Red Army uniform on him and watch me melt into a big ol puddle.
Whoiselijah: So many tats. Almost too many. Just please don’t put any on your actual face, young one. It’s too pretty.
Thisistimothy: What? You’re an architect/philanthropist/model? That is exactly what I’ve been looking for in a man. Thanks for giving us pictures of yourself. Keep them coming. In fact, it would be even more charitable if you could document your day in pictures and post like, every 10 minutes or so.
Kissthebaby83: One word: Abs. Ignore: gun pics.
The compilation sites. When you need a quick fix.
Lumbersexual: aka my kryptonite.
Men_w_ink: the name says it all.
Hotdudesreading: Beauty and literacy. Yes, please.
Thebeardedpantiedroppers, beardedvillians, brave_n_bearded: a good jumping off point. Be prepared for many less than attractive men that they are trying to pass off as hot, simply because they sport a beard. Shenanigans.
Hotmen_withdogs: A niche market for sure, but who doesn’t love a cute dog?
Just Because I have MAD LOVE for them:
Amyschumer: I wish I could describe how much I love her. So funny.
Humansofnewyork: I’m not usually so sentimental, but I’m a sucker for their stories.
Mattmcbradley: beautiful and informative pics of the middle east. It doesn’t hurt that he’s both brave enough to be a middle east correspondent for the WSJ and verra nice to look at.
Natgeo: because if anyone has amazing pics to share, it’s National Geographic.
What’d I tell you! If you aren’t there already, you need to be. If you are, and you have suggestions about who to follow, share here.