The good news is that our very own Beth has been cast as Tits McGee in the upcoming James Bond flick, Thunderball 2: This Thunder Is Too Loud. The bad news is that while she is off in Europe filming with Daniel Craig*, she can’t be here to recap this week’s episode, which means you are stuck with me to bring you Outlander Recap Episode 110. Cue the sobbing.
Yessssss! What I’ve been asking for
We should infer that prior to the opening scene, Jamie and Claire were having a conversation about body odors and horses sniffing armpits and how it all relates to going down on your lady. BECAUSE IT’S OXTER TIME, aka cunnilingus in an era when people don’t use Summer’s Eve Feminine Wash on the regular. Jamie has been using Colum’s HBO GO subscription to watch Sex and the City Season 2, Episode 3 – the one with Mitch Sailer, aka Mr. Pussy – in order to learn some moves.
Who needs Starbucks to wake up when you have Jamie’s venti skillz?
Side note: I’m glad the Castle Leoch 7-11 stocks Gillette Venus razors. Claire’s gams are like that operator Sade used to sing about: smooooooth.
Jamie is coming at Claire from behind and sideways, tossing some salad, flipping that leg over, practicing his ABCs on her nubbin. Claire is practically wheezing with delight when Murtagh starts banging on the door. Aw hell no, says Master Jamie, and he gets back into plowing Claire’s field with his tongue. And I gotta hand it up to Claire because the woman can come under pressure. This will totes come in handy if they ever have kids, because if you can’t get to the top of the mountain while someone is at the door screaming, “CAN I WATCH PEPPA PIG?!” you will never orgasm again.
That is good sex hair right there. Jamie likes to get MUSSED!
After looking appropriately sheepish for interrupting seksy times, Murtagh tells Jamie that the Duke of Sandringham is on his way to the Highlands. This gives Jamie hope about working proper channels to earn his pardon since “the Duke has always been partial to me.” Jamie skims over the fact that the powerful Duke tried to get all up on his jock back when he was a wee lad of 16. Jamie is one hot property. Everybody north of Edinburgh wants his junk. Claire, Jack Randall, Laoghaire, the Duke, Mrs. Fitz (We’ve seen those hugs, Fitzy).
Jamie is so adorably naive here, believing that it’s not really asking a favor of the Duke because Jamie is truly an innocent man.
Claire then tells Jamie to not trust the Duke, since he is a close ally of Jack Randall. Does Claire not remember that people are suspicious of her, that they think she is a spy? Maybe Droughtlander lasted so long that it made her forget. You can trust Jamie, but Murtagh is still an unknown entity to her at this point. This would have also been a good time to get a voiceover from Claire, reminding folks how she knows of the Duke. But alas, this half of season is from Jamie’s POV.
Jamie basically tells Murtagh to shut it, and on Murtagh’s advice, Jamie goes to see lawyer Ned Gowan. This scene has some blah blah blah “going around your ass to get to your elbow” figuring about how Jamie can get the pardon he seeks. I could only focus on the way Jamie’s hair glowed in the firelight.
“Damn, baby, what’d you do to yo hair?”
“Orlando, you like it? It’s Autumn Sunrise!”
Remember that Monster High doll Laoghaire put under Claire’s bed? Claire sure does, and she stomps off into the Castle Leoch kitchen to address it. She gives Mrs. Fitz a clipped “Move bitch, get out da way,” in order to have a polite discussion with her granddaughter. First, can we discuss Claire’s shawl in this scene? I love it. It’s like the potholder I weaved when I was in Miss Kissler’s kindergarten class. I want one yesterday.
So Claire looks at Laoghaire with disdain mixed with pity (pissdain?) and is like, I understand it sucks to be scorned, especially when you are young and still in nappies. Laoghaire counters with, “My poor Jamie, trapped in a loveless marriage, forced to share his bed with a cold English bitch.” Claire finds her inner Brandi Glanville-not-Rimes and slaps Laoghaire across the face, followed by a quick, “My bad!” Laoghaire admits to placing the ill-wish under bed and says that Geillis is the one who sold it to her.
Don’t trust the b whose name starts with G
Claire goes to find Geillis but instead finds Mr. Duncan, the human whoopee cushion. That house must smell like beef and cheese and bad eggs. Kinda like a Bob Evans. As Claire is leaving, the maid tells Claire that it’s a full moon tonight and she can find Geillis near the foothills before dawn. Oh the foothills? Let me plug that very specific landmark into my GPS…calculating route.
You have arrived at your destination, Claire. Geillis is dancing around some fire circle, whispering to the Goddess while holding a Wicker Man action figure. Geillis is acting like she tried shrooms for the first time at Coachella, slinking around in a sheer wrap she picked up at Anthropologie for $187. And then at the end of her dance, Geillis channels Game of Thrones and shows her tits for no good reason at all. But hey, they are very nice boobs. Delightful nipples.
Claire approaches and says, “Did you go to Chipotle for lunch? Because that is some food baby you are rocking.” Geillis replies, “It’s not a food baby. It’s a Dougal baby.”
As they are walking home, the sun begins to rise, and Geillis and Claire start discussing the arrival of Sandringham. Here we get a voiceover and flashback from Claire, explaining to us that she remembers Frank and the Reverend of Jesus and Genealogy discussing Black Jack and the protection he received from Sandringham. Two points I’d like the make. First, this voiceover is misplaced, and it should have been used when Claire was telling Jamie not to trust the Duke, post-oxter time. And second, WHY IN THE HELL ARE WE GETTING A CLAIRE VOICEOVER? I thought season 2 was from Jamie’s POV and that Claire voiceovers were done. Lies. I swear to God, if Larry/Jason Biggs comes back to OINTB Season 3 after they said he wouldn’t, I might have to hurt someone. Who can you trust in Hollywood?
As they meander through the forest, Claire and Geillis hear the most horrible sound in the world. No, not the voice of Sarah Palin. It’s a baby crying in the distance! Real talk: I cannot handle babies or children in danger. Reading Cormac McCarthy’s The Road one week post-partum was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I will never look at spit roasted meat again without wanting to barf.
Geillis tells Claire the cries are from a changeling baby, one that fails to thrive. The parents believe the fairies have stolen their real baby and if they leave the changeling out, the fairies will bring the real baby back to them. Fairies are assholes.
So Claire runs around trying to find the baby, but it’s too late. The baby has already died. Claire is devastated, sitting on the hillside, cradling the infant until Jamie comes looking for her. Ever hopeful, our Jamie, he reminds Claire that they are surrounded by ill-informed townies. But putting the dying infant out into the woods might bring comfort the parents if they think their own child is actually alive and hanging out with Tinker Bell and Vidia in Pixie Hollow. Awww.
The Wig Count just grew exponentially
The Duke of Sandringham has set up up shop in Pemberley North, and Claire pays him a secret visit, sans Jamie. Also, the Duke has a personal stenographer writing down his every word. It’s like the internet, circa 1740. Did it really happen if you didn’t
tweet it write down on parchment?
The Duke doesn’t want anything to do with Jamie’s complaint – libelous falsities! – against Captain Randall. As she is leaving, Claire tells Sandringham what’s up: she knows Dougal gave the Duke some of that sweet Jacobite gold. Understanding the threat, Sandringham agrees to hear Jamie’s petition and they celebrate with a shot of Fireball.
This Duke of Sandringham is kinda bellicose and not the dandy I envisioned. Poppycock! #NotMySandringham
Claire returns to Castle Leoch to find Colum and his merry men watching Dougal make a drunken arse of himself. Dougal’s wife has just died, and he is in a bad way. Dougal likes to swing his figurative sword with Geillis, and he likes the swing his literal sword in grief. Before Dougal kills someone, Charlie Manson and Claire do the only thing they can: they roofie him.
Jamie and Murtagh drop in on the Duke at Pemberley North, just as the Clan MacDonald are leaving. I wonder if those MacDonald dudes know how rich their future descendants are gonna be. Filet-o-fish money, baby! Murtagh tells the Duke they know all about his friendship with Black Jack, and the Duke has the best line of the night:
I must admit the consequence of shielding him from his misdeeds sometimes feels like a full-time occupation. And I loathe work.
The Duke was an original One Percenter.
The Duke must damn the Captain without damning himself, and that requires a favor. See, the Duke has been challenged to a duel by Andrew MacDonald of the Shamrock Shake MacDonalds, and he wants Jamie to be his second. Considering all Jamie has to do is count off five paces and plant a sword in the ground, I don’t see how this is really asking a favor. A favor involves going on a date with a cop who is about to give your male friend a parking ticket but tears up the ticket when you agree to said date. God bless the Chicago PD. #creeps
Murtagh warns Jamie to stay out of it because the MacKenzies hate the MacDonalds. They are Scots but Murtagh is a WASP at heart. “Don’t get involved with other people’s politics or religion! Also, does this Dillard’s have a Lilly Pulitzer section?”
Cue Kool & the Gang. Time to Partay
Colum is throwing a feast/dinner party to celebreate Sandringham’s visit. The main course is a peacock. Ugh. Freaking foodies.
In the middle of the first course, Geillis’ husband collapses and starts spewing rice pudding from his mouth. Claire rushes to his side, but Mr. Duncan is dead. There is this weird switiching of the camera from character to character, between Geillis, Dougal, and Colum, lingering on their reactions. Colum has his grumpy-faced AHA moment when he see Dougal smile. It’s like one of my favorite GIFs is happening on the screen before my eyes:
In another voiceover, Claire explains she smelled almonds on Mr. Duncan which means one thing. CYANIDE. It’s a great poison, really. It has a very Soviet spy vibe to it. Geillis screams and rushes to her husband, but her timing is off, and it just makes her look guilty. She needs to take an acting class from the great thespian Joey Tribbiani.
One of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting. This does not mean acting again.
Now let’s all go to a duel! I’m not well versed in the rules of dueling, even though I have read every Regency romance in the Amanda Quick catalog; Ms. Quick loves a good calling out. So if Sandringham is the QB of the duel and Jamie is the center, that means Sandringham puts his hands….
The referee orders the dueling donkeys to shoot, and both Sandringham and MacDonald miss on purpose. MacDonald forgives the Duke’s debt, but the 3 Piece McNugget MacDonald’s are hella pissed. They throw some anti-gay slurs at the Duke, digs they picked up from the governor of Indiana. Barbs are flying, but when Jamie makes a joke about Mamma MacDonald, it’s on. These MacDonald brahs would be terrible competition in a round of the dozens.
Jamie: Yo mama is so verra fat that when she talks to herself, it’s a long distance call.
MacDonald person: What? I’m telling the teacher!
Jamie and the MacDonalds have a SWORD FIGHT! And not the gay porn kind. So much swashbuckling in this episode. It’s like Ron D. Moore bought a “Sword Fighting Lesson” on Groupon and thought, “We are gonna milk the shit out of this.”
Fun Fact: One of the MacDonald brothers goes on to form a band called A Flock of Seagulls
Jamie gets hit with a blade, and now we can finally see what body part Claire has been suturing in the opening credits. It’s Jamie’s love handle.
everybody out of the pool
Speaking of hella pissed, Colum is ready to crack skulls. He’s mad at Dougal for knocking up Geillis and daring to love her. He’s mad at Jamie for fighting with the MacDonalds. He’s mad because his parrots say jack shit. Not a single “Polly wants a bannock” out of his feathered pets. Dude needs to take them back to PetSmart, stat.
Colum banishes Dougal from Castle Leoch, sending him back to the home he had shared with his now-dead wife. Jamie is to be Dougal’s babysitter and not the cool kind that let’s you stay up late and eat brownie mix from the box with a spoon.
Claire helps Jamie pack, loading him down with first aid supplies before he leaves with Dougal…and without Claire. Jamie advises her to steer clear of Geillis. “Stay away from her, Claire,” he implores her. And we all know how great Claire is at listening.
Later in the kitchen as she tends to some of Mrs. Fitz’s oven burns, a boy brings Claire a letter from the village.
So naturally all of Jamie’s advice falls out of Claire’s brain and she hightails it to town. When she arrives at Chez Duncan, Geillis says she never sent a note for Claire. Plus, everyone knows Geillis has her own personal stationery. It’s got her monogram over a pale yellow chevron design. She bought it on Etsy, natch.
But the trap is set and Claire knows it. She begs Geillis to flee, but Geillis refuses. The warden bangs on the door, and even as Claire tells her a way to escape, Geillis again says no, believing Dougal can save her. The warden bursts in and arrests Geillis for witchcraft, and Clarie – the other sorceress – gets caught up in the bust. As the paddy wagon hauls the two ladies away, Claire spies Laoghaire hiding and smirking from behind the village box where one hides and smirks. Ruh roh, Scooby.
*I know that “future descendants” is redundant.
*I don’t really care about the casting of Sandringham.
*I tried to review the TV show as just that…a TV show. I’ll leave it to you guys to talk about ways it was different from the book. Or go onto Twitter and rant at the producers like some people. You do you.
*But really. Don’t rant at people on Twitter.
So what did y’all think of Episode 110? There was a lot of setup for future events, but it started off with an orgasm and ended with an “Oh crap, I’ve done it now.” Me likey.
*Beth is really in Europe, but she’s nowhere near Daniel Craig