Remember that time you thought it would be a really good idea to do a thing, then it turned out to actually be a really stupid idea? Yes? Then you and the everyone in the Vikings universe have something in common this week! From getting tangled up in other people’s crazy, to ignoring ominous prophecies, to scrumping hot pagans, last night the folks on Vikings raised their voices high and proclaimed:
And by “tiny” they actually mean “ginormo whopper of a.” Here are the worst offenders:
England’s dirty work
I do not know what to make of Princess Kwenthrith, and after this episode I bet Ragnar is having his own doubts. She believes she’s the rightful heir to the throne of Mercia due to the untimely death of her brother who, it just so happens, she killed. She delighted in desecrating her sex-abuser uncle’s decapitated head, but stopped Ragnar from killing her other brother, who was in cahoots with the uncle. As if asking a Norseman to “not kill something” wasn’t bad enough (and it is), it turns out brother dearest is a sniveling simp.
To paraphrase Ron Reagan Jr.*, Ragnar has crapped bigger turds than Prince Burgred. And as a result of this battle on behalf of warring English factions Torsteinn is dead, Floki is a hairsbreadth from mutiny and Ragnar has all but disinherited Bjorn for putting his future grandbaby in jeoparday. Methinks he may be regretting his decision to go on a killing spree when his heart just wasn’t in it.
Not off to a wander-ful start
This week the wanderer that Siggy, Aslaug and Helga have been dreaming about came to town! And you know when you’re on the bus and that guy next to you dressed in parachute pants and a garbage bag is telling you about that time he got into a bar fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger and kicked his ass, and afterwards Ahhnald told him he was the best fighter he ever met and should come and do movies with him, but he turned a life of fame and fortune down because he felt his work at the burger shack was just too important and you were all:
Is it my stop yet?
Turns out, the wanderer is that guy’s 8th century ancestor.
Yeah, yeah, Thor thinks you’re all that and a bag of chips
And while it seemed at first like the most dangerous potential result of his confabulations was Siggy’s face getting stuck in permanent “side-eye,” the ladies began to rethink his presence after strange things began to happen in the village. His seemingly “magic touch” with baby Sigrid, the mysterious deaths of 2 village boys and the Seer’s absence of any visions of the future have them wishing they had told him to keep on wandering!
Keeping it your pants – a cautionary tale
It has become clear by now that Ecbert’s got a serious king-boner for Lagertha.
Hey, I know! Let’s play a game of “hide the sceptre!”
What’s not to love? She’s a strong, pagan free-spirit who’s skilled at riding the royal mount!
Sure, his advisers think that inviting the Godless heathens onto their land is a very bad idea, but they don’t understand them like he does. To assuage their concerns, Ecbert brings the court out the the village to experience nobility of their lifestyle, the visceral power of their Gods, and the – OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD?!!!!!! SHE IS DRIPPING WITH BLOOD! WHYYYYYY?!
I’m getting the feeling that after the pagan carnage of the Norse planting ritual, King Ecbert is going to be having a little sit down with Lagertha:
At which point I am sure she will show him just how big a mistake he made:
I’d start running right now if I were you, Ecbert
Meanwhile, Judith and the monk are about to make a big-little mistake of their own:
I hope they name it Athelstan Jr..
And the biggest mistake of all?
Not enough Rollo
Not nearly enough! We got a wee-taste of his (fake) man-bunly goodness as he counseled Bjorn on how to bring the wounded Porunn back, but c’mon! Look at him:
He even makes being covered with the blood of the slaughtered look sexy! Not to mention his pearls of wisdom:
Not even Einstein could do that level of relationship math. You are a genius.
I miss him! Don’t make this mistake again, Vikings! I’m watching you! I mean, like, literally watching you. On the TV. At 10pm on Thursdays. On History Channel. Just so we’re clear.
Who do you think made the biggest mistake? How is Ecbert going to kick Lagertha to the curb? Where is Lagertha going to kick Ecbert? Is Floki really going to turn on Ragnar this time? Do you think Athelstan and Judith are really going to do it?
* Yeah, I managed to work Ron Reagan Jr. into a post about bloody Norse raiders. Bow down.