In case you missed the 15,000 times ABC crop dusted us with it, Chris is a farmer. Wait, did I mention he’s a farmer? He’s a farmer with tractors and seeds and stuff. He farms. Got it? Chris has made it very clear that he plans to wife up one of the remaining women and move her home to Arlington, Iowa (population 429).
This is 2015 not 1952, and despite the fact that these women are in a gladiator-esque contest to win the affection of a questionably desirable man (see previous post on Chris’ giggle) many of these ladies are career women. The winning woman is bound to want to find something to do with her time when she’s not whitening her teeth, avoiding refined sugar or oiling Chris’ muscles. So clearly, the only responsible thing for me to do was research job opportunities near Chris’ hometown because, #thatsnormal. According to my highly advanced job search, employment opportunities in the 100% rural area are slim, but based on some of the behavior we saw in last night’s episodes I think we have some real winners on our hands.
1. Kaitlyn the Washroom Operator
In the real world, Kaitlyn is a dance instructor from Vancouver, but on The Bachelor she’s the perfect washroom operator, because girlfriend is one dirty bird. You may remember her from night one when she told Chris that he could “plow the f*** out of (her) field any day”. I get it, farmer jokes are hard to resist but you really need to ease into them Kaitlyn.
On Monday night’s episode, Kaitlyn made the interesting choice of jumping into a lake sans bikini bottoms. Who takes off their bottoms? That’s something a potty training toddler does. Respectable women remove their bikini tops when on a date with a man and five other woman, everyone knows that.
As a washroom operator, Kaitlyn would be responsible “for the processing of soiled laundry”. I have a feeling she may know a thing or two about that. I once had the displeasure of working a sweaty afternoon in the laundry room of a 4-star beachfront hotel. By the end of the day I didn’t care that Oprah would be wiping her glistening brow with one of the towels I folded, I only wanted to be forgiven whatever sins sentenced me to that purgatory. Perhaps a little time in one of Iowa’s finest laundry facilities would help Kaitlyn clean her act up.
2. Megan the Part Time Food Sampler
On Monday night’s episode Megan the makeup artist really built her resume when she blindfolded Chris and fed him chocolate dipped fruit. She told Chris to use three of his five senses to determine what he was eating and called it the “you have to pick which of the five senses it is” game. The instructions were clear, Chris simply had to choose between “taste, smell and I don’t know the other one”. Just like that, a part-time food sampler at the local Kwik Trip is born.
3. Britt the Varsity Softball Coach
At first glance Britt the free hug giving waitress from Los Angeles doesn’t really seem like that sporty type. Okay, she’s not really the sporty type after the second or third glance either, but the job pickings are slim in Northeast Iowa. On Monday’s episode Britt had a tense conversation with Chris about his obvious ogling of Kaitlyn our aspiring washroom operator. She really expected more from our bachelor and her you-can-do-better downer of speech reminded me of a forlorn coach at the end of a losing season so ding! ding! we have our Varsity Softball Coach. You’re still not ready to hire her? How about her endearing inability to spit, but winning smile to seal the deal?
4. Ashley I. the Certified Pharmacy Technician
Ashley I., our resident Di
sney princess wannabe Kardashian lookalike freelance journalist had a rough week. When she wasn’t inhaling Chris’ mandible like a dingo eating a baby, she was making sure everyone knew she’d never had a boyfriend or pouting on the couch. Her mood swings were more outrageous than the continued influence of Iowa’s caucuses on presidential elections. I couldn’t help but think that she needed to be medicated and she need to be medicated NOW.
As I perused the job opportunities near Ashley I.’s potential new hometown it hit me, she could go back to school and become a Certified Pharmacy Technician. Okay, so should an emotionally unstable person be responsible for filling prescriptions? Probably not, but think of how well she’ll relate to the customers. Plus, discounts!
So I probably don’t have a future in human resources, but I do have an appointment with my TV for next week’s episode. It looks like we are going to get our first EMT appearance of the season and a trip to romantic San Antonio so things are looking up. Until then, don’t forget to keep brushing up those resumes. You never know when you’ll need to give up your entire life and move to a new city for a guy you’re engaged to but never dated exclusively.
Are you watching The Bachelor? Who will be the ahem, lucky gal?