There’s a hard truth about marriage that no one really tells you in premarital counseling: you will at some point want to kill your husband while binge-watching your new favorite show.
If you cannot watch TV with a person, don’t get married. It’s all you have to resort to once you have kids and can’t go out anymore. I mean, one day maybe we will take a luxurious Mediterranean excursion or have a meaningful, edifying conversation, but for now we only have to make important choices like “Orange is the New Black or Penny Dreadful tonight, dear?” It’s romantical.
And in the spirit of celebrating this long held secret of marriage, I started a little column called “Things My Husband Says During Game of Thrones” because watching event television with my 32 year old man-child is an event in itself. Disclaimer: he caught on to me after two episodes, so he mummed up. That is why there are only two posts in this series.
He talks through every episode of everything we’ve ever watched (I should have figured this out when we were dating. On our FIRST DATE he kept whispering his theories about Mission Impossible 2 in my ear. At the time, for SOME REASON, I thought this was cute and/or sexy), BUT he still cracks me up. And so, I’ve decided to share his commentary on Starz’ new series, Outlander, with all of you. Grab some popcorn.
She speaks just like that chick in V for Vendetta.
… That depressing, defeated talk.
(30 seconds later)
That IS the girl from V from Vendetta isn’t it? The lesbian.
(after the next voiceover; I still have no idea who he is talking about)
Are you SURE it’s not that girl? I bet it is.
Blood Over the Doors
(in an english accent) It’s passover!
Did you notice how tight his wedding ring is? His fingers are exploding around it!
I wonder how they did that. Get a wedding ring so f***ing tight.
She’s fixing to B his D … OH maybe not.
That’s right. Gotta make it* swing back and forth.
Castle Leoch Excursion
[affected girly voice] “Don’t open that door, bitch!” #whitegirlproblems
(He actually said “hashtag white girl problems.” I don’t even know who I’m living with anymore)
What was that on her leg? I thought it was like some cigarettes or something tied up in there.
He going down? I didn’t know they did that back then.
He Got Really Bored at Rev Wakefield’s
Are they still on their honeymoon? What kind of honeymoon is this? Why are they talking about research and stuff? I’m about to fall asleep.
How did these losers put up wallpaper back then? It’d be easier to paint.
Are they looking at her future in the tea leaves? JESUS CHRIST. They stole this from another movie. I’ve seen this before.
[terrible scottish accent]It means you like cock.
The Ghost Scene
Oh God. WHO GIVES A SHIT.
[weird movie trailer man voice] Man With No Face.
That was some really good foreshadow there. Which means he’s dead And.Not.Happy. Aaaaaand probably Catholic and stuck in purgatory or some shit.
Picking Out the Sexy in this Sex Scene
Is that armpit hair? Good lord. That’s a bush if I’ve ever seen one under that armpit.
Holy moly. Look at all those moles on him. He has at least 8 moles.
The Druid Scene
Is it almost over? I’m about to fall asleep.
Maybe if you come over here and [CENSORED], I’ll wake up.
The Last Time Frank and Claire are Together
Oh Claire, I’d love to go with you, but I’m going to stay here and masturbate.
What kind of a feather thing fell when they were kissing? That’s a dusty f***ing sunbeam.
(singsong) Too bad we’ll never see each other again.
His Theory on Time Travel
That bitch went back in time and she aint got no Delorean or flux capacitor. That’s f***ed up.
Black Jack’s Debut Really Confuses Him
The British are coming!!!!
Well that guy ain’t Scottish.
Is he related to Frank though?
Why is he chasing her?
So he didn’t get what he wants so he’s just gonna stick it in her?
Real Quick Dialogue Addendum
Black Jack: What’s his name?
Black Jack: Frank, what?
The Cottage Scene
OH is his arm dislocated???
That makes no sense to them. They’re like, “WTF, you witch. What’s a bone?”
He’s a Costume Expert
Is it coincidental that her dress is THAT simple?
Is that his kilt? So he’s basically pants-less right now? His wiener is all up in her butt?
Real Quick Dialogue Addendum
Jamie: Do you want me to do that?
Him: What I want is for you to bend me over the horse.
He Basically IS Angus IRL
[horrific Scottish accent] Whuuuuu … what’s a germ? Iodine? WHAT? WTF you saying bitch? Oh I got some liquor.
The other guys be like: “I got a cut too!”
His Final Review
Whew. Glad to know he’ll be watching the next 15 episodes with me. Tobias, save me.
So what did your husbands think? What scene do you think my husband will enjoy the most in coming episodes. I’m betting he’s gonna be SUPER into Laoghaire.