Valentine’s Day Penis Cake Recipe

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The fact that Valentine’s Day falls on my day on the blog is just f*cking perfect. No matter your relationship status or what you’re into (unicorns), you could use some sugar today.

This story, like most, begins on the internet. A few weekends ago, I was on my fifth hour of an Etsy binge (as you do) when I happened upon THIS:

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What choice did I have, really? It’s vintage!

Without further ado, here is your recipe for a fantastic Valentine’s Day:

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Vanilla Penis Cakes

Makes like 12-24 penises. I don’t know, really depends on the size…

adapted poorly from this recipe

  • 1 1/4 cups whole wheat flour for healthy penises
  • 1 1/4 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 pinch shame
  • 2 eggs
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon drunk mistake
  • 1/2 cup canola oil
  • 1/2 cup milk + 1/2 teaspoon vinegar

Instructions:

  1. Have at least one glass of wine.
  2. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a bowl.
  3. Oh crap preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  4. Stir together milk and vinegar in whatever you’ve got handy.
  5. With a whisk (or a pro mixer if you fancy), beat eggs, then add sugar, vanilla, and oil. Oh, this is in a separate bowl.
  6. Get distracted by some tweets.
  7. Oh what the hell, just mix all three of those bowls into the biggest bowl and go to town.
  8. Maybe have another glass of wine because now you have to grease the penis pan.
  9. Pour the batter into the empty penises. This will be strange. Fill them 2/3 of the way only. Trust me.
  10. Bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes. Let cool, because…yea.

That’s how it should have gone down. What actually happened was this:

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Someone got a little too excited.

Now is a good time to note that what I purchased on Etsy was technically described as a “mold” good for making soap and/or jello. Perhaps this is why my dream of a sugary penis army was, in reality, sort of a massacre:

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That’s a little hard to look at. But hey, they looked terrible and tasted great. And I have never said that before.

So, Valentine’s Day. When I was in a relationship, I’d say “aw, no–why participate in this one cheesy day, when you can do things for each other any day you please?” That’s how I feel about these penis cakes. These are here for you 365 days a year, whenever you need them. Just like me.

With love and baking fails,

Elise

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