How many of us love Sam Heughan because of his witty, adorable, slightly dorky personality? I see quite a few hands up out there, but I’m just gonna play a little devil’s advocate here. Hear me out, because I have a feeling that we may be fighting in a bit. When you fall a little in love, luv, lust with a fictional character (in the case of all of us reading this, JAMMF) you get stupid. Like stupidly blind. Because Jamie is toooooo perfect, and he just stays that way. Forever. I remember when I was reading A Breath of Snow and Ashes way back in 2013 (spoiler alert, but seriously, get on it…it’s been out since 2005) and Jamie supposedly did something he would never do with someone other than Claire. I was like ok, finally, he’s not as perfect as all that after all. But then he didn’t do it, and I had to put him back up on my list of perfect guys with…um…NO ONE ELSE.
Ok, so my point of this is that we, of course, are transferring the perfection of the character upon the guy who is playing him. Do we expect that Sam IS Jamie? Like for reals? I’m new to this, so do they (Sam and Jamie) just morph into one in our fan-addled, Jamie-goggled minds (those are like beer goggles, only we are drunk on Outlander)? So Sam is perfect too, right? I get the feeling that if I ever expressed that I feel he may be flawed in any way, I’d get the shiz kicked out of me. Because fans don’t see flaws, right? I couldn’t mention, for example, that I question his wardrobe choices when it appears that someone else isn’t dressing him? Hey, I love my husband, but it was a natural disaster of EPIC proportions in his closet when we met. I once kidnapped and held a particularly offensive leather jacket for ransom until some other items were killed (donated). Actually, that poor, hideous jacket didn’t make it out alive either. There was a violent end to that hostage taking. As for Sam, please admit that you’ve cringed a bit at some of his fashion-don’t moments. Jamie didn’t have to worry about that too much, what with the kilt and all, so he has that advantage.
If that’s what you’re into, ok…
Yes for the chest, but, no.
So…here I go. After a two paragraph lead in, I am just going to say it. I’m worried for Sam’s hairline. That’s right. I’m afraid for that receding area on the right side there. You’ve seen it. You know it’s there. And it appears that when left to his own devices without stylists, he is leaving it out there for everyone to see. With that really deep part on that side. Don’t misunderstand; I think Sam is a beautiful man. Panty-melting, ovary-dropping, hunky (TIME OUT. I just read an article that described Sam as “Hunky”.) Excuse me for a sec…
Dear Beverly Lyons at the Daily Record,
Nobody says HUNKY anymore, and they haven’t since our Moms used it to describe Tom Selleck in 1984.
Everyone in 2014
Gawd. Someone please slap me when I go off like that.
Back to Sam’s hair. I am not a fan of the bald. Some guys pull off the shaved head really well, but it’s not my thing. My friends and I used to have a policy back when we were dating for the stories. (Remind me to tell you the one about “chip’s house” sometime.) The policy went something like this…we will not fall for bald, but if they happen to go bald after we are already in love with them, then we will deal. My friend Andrea once went on 3 dates with a guy who always had the backwards bball cap on. We were like, dude, you ain’t foolin anyone…YOU’RE BALD! And sure enough, one day, there it was, that shiny head leaning over the pool table. I can’t say for sure if that’s why they didn’t work out, but…
Anyway, I like my Jamie with hair. Admit it, so do you. So I’m hoping for Sam’s sake that it is going to hang on…the constant dying and styling can’t be good for the situation up there.
Actually, now that I really think about it, my point may not be about Sam’s hairline at all. It’s more about the earth-shattering discovery I have made over the past few months that I have watched Sam’s ascent into Jamie in our hearts and minds. As long as it’s not truly mean spirited or offensive, I like my freedom to make frivolous comments about actors, authors, models and other public figures. After all, the very act of putting yourself in a role where you are available for public consumption means that I should be able to hit you with my sarcasm stick and not get a detention for it. I’d probably get death threats from the One Direction fans if I said something about Harry’s hair, but we’re all grown ups here, right? Please don’t get mad at me, Outlander fans, it’s ok that Sam, Cait, Diana, Graham Ron, Donas, and everyone else involved aren’t perfect. No one is, after all. Except maybe JAMMF. Yep, he’s perfect.
So, in the immortal words of Ingrid Michaelson, Sam, I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair. I’ll happily rub it in for you too. Maybe I should get some for my husband while I’m at it. He’s starting to go a little thin on top. I still love him, though.
We’ll start the Rogaine fund now…