Forget Cady Heron or Regina George or even blogger queen Michael K from DListed, I’m here to propose that the original bitchy, Mean Girl is none other than Jane Austen herself. Yes, the woman who lived with her family, wrote stories all day and died single (and probably had cats of some kind). So essentially Jane Austen is a modern day blogger here at That’s Normal and the OG queen bitch. God, I love her even more now.
Pride & Prejudice –
If you’re an Austen fan you know the all out war of words between Elizabeth Bennett and the Lady Catherine de Bourgh in which Elizabeth delivers a total KO to the Countess who insists that Mr. Darcy is supposed to marry her creepy daughter. I’d punch someone to have Lady Catherine played to bitchy perfection (in my dreams) by Judi Dench call me an “…obstinate, head-strong girl.” YES PLEASE.
After Fanny essentially describes Lady Bertram as a talentless, drug swilling bitch, her sister says: “Your tongue is sharper than a guillotine, Fanny.” To which Fanny answers deadpan, “The effect of an education, I suppose.” BOOM! In my mind Fanny drops her mic, dusts off her shoulders and walks out of the hovel her parents live in to go find Edmund and ride off on a Unicorn to have a foursome with Darcy and Elizabeth at Pemberly. Unfortunately, that does not happen. But truly I would get a tattoo if someone said I had that kind of tongue. Jane Austen could teach us all a thing about literary burns!
The biggest bitch of them all… observe these tasty zings…
– “I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other.”
– “She was one of those, who, having, once begun, would be always in love.”
– “It is very difficult for the prosperous to be humble.”
But for being such a snarky gal, Austen also sure knew how to bring on the tears. When her heroines weren’t dishing out barbs or rejecting marriage proposals they were pining away for their secret love interest who (spoiler) secretly loved them back! Awwww, the Mean Girl really can have it all! Austen must have been, in real life, how I refer to some of my friends as: Pineapples. Hard and thorny on the outside but sweet and mushy on the inside. Oh Jane, I know you like I know myself. Now if only we could reanimate you and bring you back as a That’s Normal contributor covering such topics as: Chris Brown and Rhianna, the 2nd season of Girls and of course The Bachelorette. Who would have better words for a bunch of vapid contestants like Vienna and Emily and Ali and Bob Guinney and Charlie O’Connel, then the original Mean Girl herself, Jane Austen?
No one. That’s who.
PS Jennifer Love Hewitt? PLEASE STOP.
What are your favorite mean girl/bitchy moments from other Austen classics? Northanger Abbey anyone?