“Hey guys! Let’s go enjoy one of the greatest parts of the natural world, in a tightly packed queue and smelling the farts of venture capital dude bros!” This is y’all’s vacation?
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The typical reason to climb Everest is to brag about your physical accomplishment while having zero self-awareness that everyone who isn’t an asshole is judging you hard. You have to be rich to attempt the climb, tossing tens of thousands of dollars at Nepalese organizers. You’ve probably climbed smaller peaks and summits with Lehman Brothers alumni. You probably love Crossfit, and you probably have inspo ‘successories’ phrases tattooed on your torso, like “Do one thing a day that scares you” or “Cotton is for suckers.”
Source HBO
So you make all these plans and preparations to climb mountain in the Springtime, along with hundreds of others wankers and “adventurers” and “thrill seekers,” i.e. the kind of people you never swipe right on. Even if you make it all the way to the top, you are going to leave your refuse and literal shit on the frozen landscape. If you die on the way up — and there is a good possibility you will — your body itself is going to become literal refuse and shit on the frozen landscape. Not only are you trash for trying, you are now actual trash that people will pass by on their way up.
“When you pass Chad with the orange boots and Barstool Sports patch on his jacket, we have .5 kilometers to go.”
If you climb Everest, you might be able to photo-bomb Mandy Moore’s insta. #doepicshit. Or you might get smothered and killed in an avalanche. #suffocatewithflair. Or you can climb under the guise of raising awareness about the scourge of plastic straws while your urine pollutes the local groundwater. #mypisschallenge.
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That is some shitty, clueless sponcon, right there. Next time, Rebecca Pearson needs to get Eddie Bauer to take her to Maine. It’s pretty rural, trust.
Do Better Things With Your Money
Instead of climbing Everest, there are much better and satisfying ways to spend that money.
Pay off student lunch debt
Pay off a kid’s student loans
Run a marathon on every state
Go to the Wimbledon forthnight
Hire someone and pay them a ton of money to help you spend your money
Go to therapy
Buy a pair of Celine sunglasses and look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Bruh, am I a dick?”
The Everest Revolution
If you die on Everest, the royal WE is not mourning you. We are thinking, “Look at that egotistical dumbass who left his Audi R8 behind in long term parking at JFK.” Instead of eating the rich, maybe we should encourage them to take the risk in Tibet. Instead of looking to the guillotine, perhaps we should look to the crampon.
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“Hi luvey, news from the front…the sherpas have messed up the Aperol Spritzes again, but we are making do. I finished reading the Sam Harris book so now I am moving on to John le Carré. The Tempuredic in my tent is hard due to the low temperatures, but my electric blanket is keeping me cozy. Missing you muchly, see you upon my return to Nantucket. Will you still love me if my nose is black with frostbite? Hee haw. Love, Rupert.”
