Wait until you hear about Lagertha’s teeth whitening!
Hvitserk hvas hvad it!
After last week’s Ivar/Freydis machinations, I was convinced that Ivar would send Hvitserk to the chopping block to round out his bonkers wedding nuptials. In a refreshing turn from his totally cool, totally normal™ fratricidal tendencies, he decided to avenge his mother’s death by doing the totally cool and normal™ thing of sacrificing a rando shield maiden he dressed in Lagertha costume because, of course, he couldn’t capture the real Lagertha because he’s too busy doing bong hits out of a hollowed out god complex.
The flaw in his genius plan was that everyone just saw Lagertha, like, 3 weeks ago, and was like “that totally isn’t Lagertha.” To which Ivar said “Yes it is.” And everyone said “No it isn’t.” And then Ivar said:
Between that and having to hang a steady stream of rebels bent on restoring the line of Ragnar, Ivar is in the throws of a full-blown mutiny. No one is more ready to see him go than Hvitserk “I’ve made a huge mistake” Lothbrok. He consults the Seer to try to divine his purpose in Kattegatt, to discover that his purpose is, apparently, to have the biggest “The Seer mood” in the history of Vikings:
Somebody had to say it
“He will accomplish something no one else can! But it’s at great cost! But no one knows what! He can go but maybe that won’t help! But maybe it will?!”
Cool story, The Seer, he’ll get right on that!
You’ve been Lagertha’d!!
Meanwhile in Wessex, Bjorn brings new-found bro Magnus around to meet the fam. He’s stoked to fill everyone in on their big plans to join Harald and overthrow Alfred, who, incidentally, has recently been re-annointed “King Puberty Pornstache” because this:
Bow-chika-wow
Bjorn is all-in on his new brother and his Magnus-ificent schemes, and clearly expects everyone to welcome him into the fold. But his dreams of plunder crash and burn when stone-cold Lagertha is like:
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN. Lagetha knows a little something about how babies are made, and none of the options is “peeing on your baby daddy.” Better luck next time, Bjorn!
I can’t Flokistand that family
I love it when Vikings goes supernatural, so I was stoked to see ghost Thorunn show up to rat out her brother-in-law to Floki for murdering her.
Duuuuuuude
Floki realizes that Flokistan can’t stand under Eyvand (catchy!), so he casts him and his poisonous family out, including the grieving widowed Helgi. Which is coooooold, but not as cold as it’s gonna get out there on the tundra! Good luck, Eyvand family!
Aethelred’s dread plan dead; Supports Alfred instead
Turns out Harald isn’t the only party gunning for King Puberty Pornstache this week. Aethelred’s cabal of chaos has set in motion a plan to slaughter the King during a closed council meeting. But Alfred’s heartfelt vote of confidence in his bro on the eve of battle softens something in Aethelred. It turns out that the emptiness in his soul wasn’t craving power, it was just craving loooooove!
That Alfred has such a way with words!
Long live King Puberty Pornstache!
Farewell The Seer, you useless bastard!
This week we say goodbye to the funkiest dude in the Vikings universe, The Seer. In addition to having the raddest style, he was also known for uttering prophesies so inscrutable as to be basically worthless as a tool in future decision making. But he sure was fun! Fortunately, now that Ivar murdered the guy who prophesied his doom, everything will be smooth sailing from here on out!
bullet.dodged.
I really liked this episode! It feels like the season is finally hitting its stride, and I’m actually super looking forward to next week’s episode, which promises bloodshed as battles for control erupt all over the Vikings-verse! Until then:
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Now that Alfred is copying all of Bjorn’s lewks, are face tattoos in his future? Will Aethelred catch a nasty case of “knife in the gut” after betraying the rebellion? How many more “Lagerthas” will Ivar have to sacrifice to find peace? If Heahmund loves Lagertha so much, why does he always look like he’s about to eat her face off?
*shivers*
*All Vikings images courtesy of the History Channel
