Let’s face it, social media isn’t my forté. I used to be witty on Twitter, but no more. That medium has moved right on to social selling and hate chats. I’m much better at existing in my own bubble listening to music alone on a long walk to the river or at home writing fiction while drinking IPAs.
I’ve since discovered Instagram. A perfect place to put out images for the world and receive nothing back except heart icons. No risk of ridiculous celebrity interactions that leave you feeling excited and mortified all at once. It truly is the perfect place.
Until I decided to follow Henry Cavill.
I do not even follow Tom Hiddleston, you guys. Why did I think following Henry Cavill would be a smart idea?
It was not.
Now you’re probably wondering why not, and the reason is simple: every time Henry Cavill posts a photo of himself, it feels like a personal attack on my soul. As if Henry Cavill is reaching out to me directly to say, “In case you forgot, I am beautiful and love dogs; you and I will never be together.”
Mind you, he’s usually posting himself with his dog, or totally clad on a motorcycle, or half naked doing a workout regime. Nothing abnormal. Nothing particularly aimed at anyone… unless you love dogs and chest hair. Or find cleverly timed yet mysterious Krypton videos exceptionally attractive.
Enter Hugo Boss
But now, Henry Cavill is actually getting paid by Hugo Boss to destroy me! At first I thought it was just this photo:
View this post on Instagram
But no, people, no. THERE IS A VIDEO. A video in which he speaks in his actual voice, none of this American accent crap. <painful sigh> Actual conversation that follows in my head:
Henry: Sometimes what you’re looking for is in front of your eyes.
Me: *WAVES FRANTICALLY* I’m right here!!!!!!
Henry: Sharpen your vision…
Me: Okay…
Henry: You and I will never be together.
I will leave you with this photo and story about his dog, because Henry Cavill hates you too. But doesn’t it feel so good?
