If you’re not familiar with Colton you must not have paid attention to The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, or my recaps this season, so shame on you. But unlike all of the unhappy people tweeting vigorously about this announcement, I won’t complain. Instead I’ve recognized this announcement for the perfect opportunity it is to share some shirtless photos of him introduce you to our next Bachelor.
TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT COLTON UNDERWOOD
1. He’s 26 years-old
Colton Underwood was born in 1992 which makes him only slightly older than my first car and that thing had almost 300k miles on it before it died. He’s young, okay? All the better for making poor decisions with approximately twenty-five 25 year-olds.
2. He played football
Colton was a tight end (that joke is too easy) at Illinois State before being drafted as a free agent to the San Diego Chargers in 2014. He went on to play for the practice squads of the Chargers, Eagles and Raiders before retiring in 2016.
3. He runs a non-profit
Colton established the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation to provide resources and equipment to people living with Cystic Fibrosis after his young cousin was diagnosed with the genetic disease. That means he spends a lot of time in children’s hospitals and honestly, my over-worked ovaries aren’t prepared.
4. He’s a virgin
Apparently the current status of his non-existent hymen is a thing people care about. He says that he isn’t waiting for marriage, just the right person, but until his season of The Bachelorette, his virginity was a closely guarded secret. Get ready to watch it be exploited.
5. He used to date an Olympian
Back before Aly Raisman was a total bad ass fighting for the protection of female athletes against sexual predators, she dated Colton. This guy really does have it all.
6. He was sent home after hometowns on The Bachelorette
Colton fell head-over-heels in love with Becca on the most recent season of The Bachelorette, but when prolific Bachelor star, Tia told Becca that she still had feelings for him after one date, Becca dumped him. Directly after he meeting his family on his hometown date. Cold.
7. He had drama on Bachelor in Paradise
Tia came back to haunt Colton again when they both showed up in Paradise. Once he realized that no one else would give him a chance because she had peed a circle around him marking her territory (metaphorically probably) he gave in to a summer fling. All of that ended in Monday night’s episode when he realized that he could be the next Bachelor didn’t have strong enough feelings for Tia to continue dating outside the show.
8. He’s funny
Despite his lack of personality on The Bachelorette, Colton’s personality shines through in the comments section of Instagram were he roasts everyone from the show. If he can bring that side of his personality to his role as Bachelor we’re all in for an entertaining season.
9. He’s comfortable crying on camera
Between the inevitable drama rehashing his relationships with Tia and Becca, and the obvious pressure he felt from his dad when it came to his football career; we’re definitely going to see him cry. A lot.
10. He looks hot with a dog
Also, he just looks hot.
What do you think of the decision to make Colton Underwood the Bachelor? Don’t lie, you’ll watch no matter who it is. Let’s talk about his abs in the comments.
