There’s no denying that Bachelor in Paradise is a complete disaster in the best possible way. Where else can we watch a male model refer to himself as a golden retriever and his girlfriend as a Frisbee in the same sentence? It’s a gift from the reality TV gods. I assume they’re the same gods who convinced Jordan to wearing a striped shirt that made him look like the Hamburglar on his night off from stealing fast food, because it was divinely inspired.
I won’t blame you if you get one of these funny quotes from this week’s episodes tattooed on your body in an homage to Chris’s white boy sleeve.
“This guy doesn’t know how to use his hands. Jenna needs a man who knows how to use his hands. He can barely throw a Frisbee fifteen feet.” -Jordan
“Krystal and Chris are a thing so…that’s just…different.” -Astrid
“I know Connor from Becca’s season. Great guy, great hair, he’s probably going to take one of these girls away from us.” -David
“The date card for Connor said to pick a lady to have a mystical evening with and I just kinda wonder…I mean, I love magic.” -Krystal
“S**t is going down in Paradise.” -Jordan
“The Goose is loose.” – Joe
You vs. the man she tells you not to worry about. #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/toxmJW5TxR
— Cassie Grimm (@cassiegrimm3) August 28, 2018
“If Kamil picks someone else on this date today I think my head may explode.” -Annaliese
“You just asked me to be your girlfriend and now you’re telling me that I should go on other dates so that I’ll miss you. Like, I don’t, what?” -Astrid
“Kissing is a handshake in paradise.” -Leo
“A snitch is a snitch and I think it’s time to put my exterminator hat on.” -Leo
“In the words of Justin Trudeau, ‘Canadians, we are polite, we are reasonable, we will not be pushed around.'” -Kevin
“Leo’s a piece of s**t.” -Joe
“You opened up my briefcase and I don’t like your little french fingers going through it.” -Jordan
“In life you have to move with the cheese, because if you don’t move with the cheese you won’t have no cheese.” -Eric
“I definitely namaste’d way harder than Connor did.” -Chris/the Goose
“Good luck with Grocery store b**ch over there.” -Leo
“Get out of here, Tarzan. We don’t need your drama, we have plenty.” -Tia
“I know I have this stereotype because I’m from Weiner but it’s just like, mama wanted hot dogs, he brought hot dogs.” -Tia
“God I’m being such a good boy. I really am a golden retriever and Jenna is a Frisbee.” -Jordan
“Getting rejected twice in four f**king days. Just getting dumped after getting dumped after getting dumped. There’s probably something wrong with me.” -Benoit
“Look at that pelvis. It’s for birthing.” -Tia
“Cassandra made it through having a child and through dating Juan Pablo and still looks like this. She’s coming in hot.” -Cassandra
“You can’t come on paradise and expect the men to be any better. They’re men.” -Jenna
I’m not going to know what to do with my life when this season Bachelor in Paradise is over. I miss Jordan already. Let’s talk about toxic masculinity and how thankful we are for Canadians in the comments.
