In other words, we can all now continue watching Bachelor in Paradise without feeling like we’re wasting our lives. You’re welcome.
This week our >0.025 percent was wisely spent watching Colton change him mind (again), Chris being his own worst enemy (again), and Jordan winning my eternal love (always).
Here’s every funny quote from this week’s double dose of Bachelor in Paradise episodes.
“I told him I didn’t want to date him. He didn’t know if he wanted to date me. I feel like I kinda want to date him.” -Tia
“I want to find a dude. Don’t know if he’s in Mexico, but if he is, that’d be pretty sweet.” -Jacqueline
“These girls come in really fresh, smelling really nice. They don’t smell like Paradise yet. Everyone else smells like Paradise. Paradise is stinky and sweaty.” -Bibiana
“If she takes him on a date I’m throwing myself into a boulder.” -Tia
“This girl is trying to get that rose. She’s working over time for that rose. She’s putting in 16 hour shifts.” -Nysha
“I’m gonna take my shirt off cause it’s hot. I’m also gonna take my shirt off cause I’m hot.” -Kenny
“I love smart people.” -Jubilee
“Krystal and Chris, they’re like the two crazies who deserve each other in the corner, you know?” -Kevin
“The Colton and Tia cloud gets bigger and bigger. And, like, almost affecting the sunlight we’re getting.” -Chris/the Goose
“What the f**k is Jordan wearing tonight?” -David
“What’s that monkey from Aladdin? He was just missing the little hat.” -Chelsea
Who wore it better? pic.twitter.com/7INaGh6r4N
— Colton Underwood (@Colt3FIVE) August 21, 2018
“I like his outfit and I like his chest hair.” -Jenna
“Can I feed you my sausage?” -Kevin with a literal sausage, because: Bachelor in Paradise
“I try to be talented, you know, it’s all I got.” -Jordan
“When John took off his shirt I was really surprised, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a programmer with that nice of a body. So I wasn’t mad at it.” -Jubilee
“We just referenced Edgar Allen Poe on Bachelor in Paradise.” -Kenny
“It’s a big dog and I just dragged it across the f**king beach so maybe I’m the bigger dog.” -Jordan
“You’re a set of brand new tires and I’m a Ferrari.” -Jordan
“Even the nicest neighborhood has speed bumps, okay?” -Jordan
“I just want to sit her down and let her know that she has made Paradise a great experience for me and I am thrilled that I was able to go on a date for her birthday and get over my fear of riding horses.” -Jordan
“Leo is legitimately a Fabio. Think of every romance novel your mom ever read. That’s like a stallion of a human. That’s a horse, man.” -Chelsea
“Leo is a very interesting character. He looks like a Fabio on vacation.” -Chris/the silly goose
“Leo’s like a man times like 100. I think he would be an ideal date.” -Jenna
“Leo has big kahunas and he just throws them on the table.” -Colton
“Sometimes you go to the laundromat and your dirty laundry is in front of other people. And right now we are in a big laundromat. We’re all just washing our laundry. So we’re all just at different stages of doing laundry.” -Jordan
“I wrote a romance novel.” -Jorge
“Do they have to have a connection at this point? I think so. The strength of it? I don’t know. Is the oven on at 100 degrees or at 400? I don’t know.” -Jordan
“For me to see Joe in a bad place, it makes me want to kick Leo in the d**k.” -Jordan
“Back in Paradise where I had my first orgasm.” -Raven
“If this goes badly I’m gonna cut his penis off and he can’t ever lose that virginity.” -Raven
“He speaks French. I don’t know how much French he speaks and how much English he speaks. He’s not fooling me. I mean, I speak the language of love, so it can be in English but it’s just a little thing with the tongue that you do.” -Jordan
“Benoit better keep his little French baguette in his pants tonight.” -Jordan
This show is wild. Are you still watching? When will it be over? Is anyone actually going to end up engaged at the end of this thing? Let’s talk in the comments.
