Joe the grocer is a hottie with little to no personality? Yeah, we know, we watched him pick out mangoes at a farmer’s market this morning in real time. Wills has moved on? Obviously, he has been starring in Nick Viall’s YouTube recaps for weeks. Jason is campaigning for The Bachelor like the contract includes a lifetime supply of hair gel? Old news, at this point we all follow his brother on Twitter.
The only thing surprising about this episode of the Men Tell All was how many men were wearing cropped suits without socks.
Thank God for Jordan.
I honestly have nothing else to say about this episode of The Bachelorette except that Jordan is a gift and we should all be grateful for his pensive little face. Here’s everything funny he said at the Men Tell All.
1. “You can’t be Mr. Right Reasons but then treat the Bachelorette wrong. So, I’m just gonna leave that there.”
2. “This house moved around me. I’m the house they’re the elephant. They’re constantly gonna be questioning me for the next ten years. How did this guy even exist? I’ve got billboards up in all their minds. We’re paving highways. I’ll see you guys later, all right? I should have wore a work vest here. I should have wore a work vest.”
3. “I don’t have to put on a facade. I don’t have to come on the stage and wear fancy, shiny black suits or anything and talk about the obvious, is what it is. I’m me, I’m unapologetically me, and I’m always gonna be me. I don’t have a fear of being me because if I walked around as a hologram of a man or as a skeleton of a man where’s that gonna get me? It’s certainly not gonna brand me. Come on.”source
4. “I don’t know what your name is, but nice to meet you.” (Directed to the men who got kicked off on night one.)
5. “I get the last word? Kamil, f**k you. You, the guy with a mustache, f**k you. Colton, f**k you. David, you’re a b****. Nick and Connor you’re cool. Grocery Store Joe, what’s up? I’m done. That’s it.”
6. “You could literally put me in a cardboard box and I will have the best time.”
7. “Typically when someone’s driving a Rolls Royce they’ll roll the window down here and then. So if i’m coming into this house being myself I’m gonna roll the window down and show myself. I’m gonna say, ‘Hey, guys, it’s good to see you.’ So am I saying I’m a Rolls Royce? Not so much, just a comparison.”
8. “It’s okay to have a good time. It’s a cocktail party. I can’t wear underwear? Well, I mean, that’s, come on, I do whatever I want. It’s my cocktail party. I live in this mansion. This is my address right now, so I do what I want. If I wanna you know eat Cap’n Crunch and mix it with orange juice I’ll do whatever I want.”
9. “Hey anyone that’s still talking about me I just wanna say, you know, thank you.”
Becca’s season of The Bachelorette ends this Monday, August 6th when she’ll make it Instagram official with either gee golly Garrett or nervous breakdown Blake. Then, wait for it, Bachelor in Paradise premieres the very next night which can only mean one thing. JORDAN IS BACK.
What did you think of the Men Tell All episode. Did you learn anything new? Did Colton ruin his chance at The Bachelor by being too salty? Watch this trailer for Bachelor in Paradise and then let’s talk in the comments.
