This week’s final episode of The Bachelorette reached peak hosting climax when Becca chose between bad social media user Garrett, and emotionally exhausted Blake. She introduced them to her family, went on dates in the Maldives, dumped one and got engaged to the other all without smudging her mascara. Women really can have it all.
GARRETT GETS FIRST DIBS
Becca and her two boyfriends have finally reached that pivotal moment in any relationship when you have a 50/50 shot of getting engaged/dumped within the week so it’s only right that they meet her family. First up on the campaign trail was Garrett, who brilliantly toasted to the memory of Becca’s late father and then cried incessantly. He cried talking to her mom, he cried talking to her sister, he even cried talking to her Uncle Chuck. But through it all he was steadfast in his love for Becca. It sounded like he was reading at a second grade level off of cue-cards, but still, steadfast. Uncle Chuck tried to trip him up with questions about his divorce, but by the end of their conversation good old Uncle Chuck was calling Garret a “poet.”
BLAKE GETS THE LEFTOVERS
One quick wardrobe change later, Blake arrived talking faster than a 4H auctioneer at a cattle drive. No really, all I needed was one quick second to ask what kind of hair band Becca’s sister uses to keep all that hair up, but he wouldn’t stop. Somehow Becca’s family was able to gather that he’s in love with her, and that he would be her equal teammate in life. Sure, they gushed slightly more over Garrett, but they felt Blake would be a safer choice in the long run for Becca. Honestly, the best part of their meeting was when Uncle Chuck asked Blake if he should be worried about Garrett at all and the entire internet was like, YES, didn’t you read the HuffPost?
GARRETT GETS GUSHY
Becca and Garrett’s last date in the Maldives featured making out. It didn’t matter if they were swimming in the ocean, lounging on a boat, admiring dolphins or talking over dinner; they were making out. Their chemistry is almost as undeniable as Garrett’s inadequate understanding of the equator. No Garrett, being at the equator does not mean you’re on top of the world, it quite literally means you’re at the middle of it. But who cares about his questionable intelligence, Becca is super into him. Once again she mentioned how much he reminds her of her late father and she even waxed poetic about his snoring. No one thinks snoring is cute unless they’re newly in love. As for Garrett, well he described his feelings best when he said, “People say they get butterflies. But butterflies are small feelings. You give me, like, eagles.” Even his hormones are patriotic.
BLAKE’S BICEPS MAKE AN APPEARANCE
Blake and Becca explored the Maldives and each other’s bodies on their last date. At this point their relationship is nearly as solid as Blake’s abs. Blake is all in with Becca. He wants her as his partner in life, he admires her independence and strength, and he’s completely losing his mind at the idea that he could leave the show without her. I was completely losing my mind trying to figure out who convinced him to give her a shadow box filled with mementos from their relationship. Yes, one of those shadowboxes like your grandparents have hanging on their wall but instead of war medals, it was filled with scraps of paper and screen grabs from the season. Blake left ready to propose and Becca left wondering how she was going to fit a giant shadowbox in her hotel trash can.
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE
The next morning Blake and Garrett picked out wedding rings with Neil Lane (Blake’s was better), filmed gratuitous shower scenes (Blake’s was better) and dressed in the suits they’d either get engaged in or wipe their tears on (I can’t lie, both were hot). With their pocket squares in place, they both boarded small boats to begin the journey to the artfully distressed waterfront stage where Becca was waiting in a white gown reminiscent of the wedding dress she’ll probably never actually wear with one of these guys. As always, the first man to greet Chris is the one who would leave heartbroken. It was the moment of truth. Would Blake’s blue suit leg exit the boat first or Garrett’s black suit? Don’t ask me, I’m colorblind, pan up like your life depends on it, camera man!
HEARTBREAK
It was Blake.
STOP RUBBING IT IN, BECCA
Blake walked to Becca, took her hands, and professed his love to her. Just as he was about to pull out his superior engagement ring she stopped him and told him that she always thought it was going to be him, but in the end she has something more with someone else. Cue, the heart break. Blake was shocked. He asked her what changed, but no answer she gave would ever be enough so he whispered “I love you,” took a deep breath and walked away.
Way to tear my heart out, Bachelorette.
Later, at the live after show, Becca again emphasized that she always thought it was going to be Blake, but in the end she was worried about how he would handle “a sick child” with how “in his head” he would get. You mean the man who was about to get engaged to a virtual stranger was introspective? Girl, you better stop. As for himself, Blake said that he would never regret falling in love and that he’s not going to be scared to fall in love again. Yeah, like as the Bachelor next season.
GARRETT PUTS A RING ON IT
Back in the Maldives, Garrett was arriving for his big moment with Becca. At this point in the episode I was furiously scrolling through all of the tweets absolutely destroying him for his hateful political views, so I missed part of the proposal, but she said yes, and they both looked ridiculously happy. She told him that she wants to have a Costco membership with him and then they laughed and danced and generally looked blissful.
FINAL(E) THOUGHTS
I think Becca really did fall in love with Garrett and he certainly returned the sentiment. They look like they’re crazy for each other and as a fan of the show, that’s what I want from a finale. At the end of the day that’s why we watch The Bachelorette season after season. But, during the after show while they joked about Garrett’s snoring, and talked about dogs, they also botched an opportunity for Garrett to right a wrong.
Garrett liked offensive, demeaning, misogynistic, racist, transphobic, and hateful memes on Instagram as recently as February. Maybe that doesn’t bother you, but it should. Did he apologize? Sort of. He apologized for causing offense, he apologized for liking memes that go against everything Becca believes in (she’s an ardent Hillary Clinton supporter and self-described feminist) because it put their relationship at risk, but he never explained why he liked them. I hope that he learns and grows through their relationship, but I don’t think it’s my job as a viewer to forget who he has shown himself to be just because he won the show.
At the end of the day, whether Becca and the producers knew it or not, she broke the heart of a man who survived a school shooting and accepted a proposal from a man who mocked the school shooting survivors from Parkland, Florida.
If that isn’t 2018 in a nutshell I don’t know what is.
What did you think of this season of The Bachelorette? Do you think Becca made the right choice? Am I being too hard on Garrett? Did you notice the Human Rights Campaign bumper stick on the back of the minivan they gave Becca and Garrett? Let’s talk in the comments and make sure to congratulate Anna Serene winning our fantasy league!
