But wait, what’s that? Do I sense overly-imbibed fitness instructors and disconcertingly sweaty men coming through my television?
Summer isn’t over as long as Bachelor in Paradise is on.
Here are all of the best quotes from this week’s double blessing of episodes.
“Did your vagina dance? A little? A little bit of dancing?” -Astrid
“What do you mean you can’t do that? This is Paradise, bro.” -Colton
“Colton will have his demise here in Paradise.” -Jordan
“The Goose is one of a kind. And he is I and I am him. Goose is here baby. Got the short shorts going, got the headband on like the Karate kid sweeping all of these ladies off their feet.” -Chris/the Goose
“Goose thinks he’s Daniel-san but the Goose is no Daniel-san.” -Wells
“Let me holla atchu for a minute. Let me holla-olla-olla-olla-olla atchu.” -Kenny
“I’m obsessed with people that are talented with their hands.” -Jordan
“I got some Paradise action.” -Annaliese
“Being the bartender in Paradise is little overwhelming. There’s a lot of idiots talking to me about their relationships and tomfoolery and shenanigans and dumpster fires. I can’t juggle that many people.” -Wells
“You don’t have to wait long for a storm to blow in in Paradise. Literally we’re going to have one in a little bit, figuratively we may have one as well. It’s a rose ceremony tonight.” -Chris Harrison aka GOAT
“Everyone deserves to go home except me at this point.” -Jordan
“What I established with you in, like, five minutes was, like, pretty impressive and for me I’ve been waiting to establish some kind of a legit connection where, like, we pursue this tomorrow and the next day but, like, at this point this whole thing has been a s***show. This is, like, more stressful than my real job. I’m not here to chase f***ing roses, I’m here for a partner in crime.” -Nick
“I’m confident that I’m going to get a rose tonight and, I mean if I don’t get it after that, I have no business being here.” -Also, Nick
“It’s hot in here and it’s not because of me. It’s because s**t is getting real out there.” -Bibiana
“I didn’t walk onto a beach, I walked into a f**king swamp of drama.” -Colton
“I don’t want to brag, you know, that’s just not me, but it just feels good to be in a position where I come out on top.” -Chris/the Goose
“This sucks. This freaking sucks.” -Tia
“For whatever reason Bibiana gave her rose to Colton last night and people are still trying to figure out why she did that. Tia and Chris the Goose are an item…yeah, I don’t know. What else? More girls are coming in this week because the guys have the power so the girls coming in will be taking the guys on dates which means the girls that are already here are gonna be freaking out. Week one of Paradise, already crazy.” -Wells
“I feel like he’s lost. I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants. Being a virgin is an emotional type of thing. So I feel like Colton will be his own demise. The Goose is not concerned at all.” -Chris/the Goose, lying to himself
“I am an alien, yeah, like legitimately. But I’m like a nice alien. No lasers are coming out of my eyes this time.” -Jenna
“Being an alien is hard in life but then you also have the upper hand because, you know, you can like read people’s mind and unzip your skin into your invisible…you know.” -also, Jenna
“Yeah I’m like looking at myself here. You’re like the girl version of me. You’re, uh, you’re cute” -Jordan
“Like, she’s so pretty, she’s so smart. She does this thing were she sticks her tongue out and it drives me nuts. And she goes like this (clap) she claps her hands when she laughs and I’m like, ‘I love it,’ she just, like, mine sweeps me.” -Jordan
“You know if there’s one thing Jordans don’t do, Jordans don’t sweat Davids.” -I bet you can guess
“David is clearly upset about something. I don’t know if it’s because I matched with his mom on tinder or what.” -Jordan, the king of Paradise
“He’s like the opposite of Mr. Rogers, like, I don’t want to be your neighbor, dude.” -Jordan
“Damn, Joe, he’s got the produce.” -Astrid
“She’s giving me, kinda like, step-mom vibes, you know? Like, I’m not gonna undress in front of her, because I don’t know what could happen, you know. I don’t want, you know, her to like, crawl into my bunk bed in, like, a kimono, nothing else under, ‘I made you a pizza, are your friends coming over tonight…or?’ It’s okay, she’s a very pretty lady.” -Jordan
“I’m sitting there trying to figure out whether I’m getting friend-zoned right there on a blanket, in a heart full of candles that I drew.” -Kenny (He was)
“If you look at it like lab animals that know specifically where to go to get cheddar, but when they move it, one says, ‘I gotta move with the cheese,’ and the other one says, ‘I’m gonna keep going until the cheese shows back up. That’s the best way I can think about it.” -Kenny
“There’s a funny thing here because there’s people who move with the cheese, then there’s people who keep going where they think the cheese is supposed to be. But they might not feel what you feel. If that makes sense.” -Eric
“You have to kinda move with the cheese, bro.” -Kenny
“You know it’s the night before a rose ceremony. Before every big game is important to sit down and get your head right and tonight we are getting our head right, we’re getting romantic. What we need to do is get you at a dinner. Then you get drinks with someone. Dinner is Krystal for you. A fantastic main course, champagne, real food, real conversation, and a kiss walking through the f***ing water.” -Jordan
“Dessert is Bibiana, obviously.” -still, Jordan
“But here’s the thing Tia is a late all night, palapa thing, it’s like the sobering moment. It’s like, I’ve had some drinks tonight I’ve had a great night and then your ex is standing at your door and you’re like, ‘Oh my god, what are you doing here?’ Talk to her last.” -You guessed it
“The Goose doesn’t know what direction he’s going to fly tonight.” -Chris/the Goose
“Paradise is a loaf of bread and you’re just like, ‘nom nom nom nom nom nom.” -Jordan
“It’s time to cook the f***ing goose.” -Tia
Seriously, why isn’t this show sweeping the Emmys? What was your favorite part of Paradise this week? Are you following my new Bachelor Instagram account? Let’s talk in the comments.
