At this point in Becca’s journey as the Bachelorette, her true fantasy would probably involve eating carbs and wearing yoga pants, not avoiding traveler’s diarrhea and feigning interest in slightly above average men. Alas, she sold her soul signed a contract and is now legally obligated to settle for less than she deserves. Ah, “love.”
This week, fantasy overnight dates took Becca, Blake, Jason and Garrett to Thailand where the monks are friendly and the crickets are toasted and lightly tossed in sauce. Becca opened the episode by confessing that she’s “in love with two men and falling in love with a third” while gazing forlornly over the city of Chiang Mai. We get it, life is hard. Now get out there and bed-hop for America.
BLAKE IS NOT A MONK
First on the agenda was a mountain hike with Blake to a monastery where they were blessed by monks but not #blessed by the no-touching rule. Becca wore leggings and her hair in a bun, which we all know is the wardrobe equivalent of peeing with the door open, so things are looking good for Blake. At dinner that night, the sexual tension was thick but it was quickly overpowered by Blake’s crippling insecurity. Basically, Blake is head over heels, hold her hostage in a well in his backyard, in love with Becca. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has “let’s do the damn thing” tattooed on his genitals at this point. But he’s also so far in his own head worried about the other men that he’s at risk of ruining their relationship. Fortunately for him, he looks really good shirtless so they spent the night together in the fantasy suite and their relationship looked solid by the morning. Just like his abs.
IT’S CRICKETS FOR JASON
The next day Becca took Jason on a date through a Sunday market where they browsed the shops, ate roasted crickets and visited a temple. My apologies, I should have said Becca’s body did those things because Becca’s head was back in the hotel suite with Blake where it belongs. She was giving it her best effort, but when she mentioned their future home together in passing, she suddenly realized that she was leading him on and it made her sick. Not sick enough to skip the dinner that night, but just sick enough to leave Jason sitting by himself on a staircase for most of their date. Don’t feel bad though, Jason’s perfectly poreless skin and unflagging confidence would survive a nuclear holocaust.
Jason was unflappable and steady in his love for Becca, but ultimately she couldn’t see a future with him so she sent him, the man she described as the best kisser of the season, home before the fantasy suite was even on the table. Despite being clearly blindsided, Jason left with dignity and respect saying, “I came into this rooting for your happiness and I’ll always leave rooting for your happiness.” because he’s way too good for this show. That left Becca to sob into the sheets of their fantasy suite because “I literally just did to him what Arie did to me.” I mean, you didn’t get engaged to him and then dump him for your ex on national television two months later so you literally did not. But whatever helps you not sleep tonight, Becca.
GARRETT GIVES HIS ALL(S)
Lucky for Garrett, Becca knows how to rally when a hot dummy is available for a river rafting date, so their date went on as previously scheduled. Fortunately for us, it was scheduled during a national Thai holiday in which people sitting along the riverbed splash boaters while they avoid crashing to their deaths. Seeing baby elephants along the shore and Garrett kicking his feet in the water like a happy toddler was funny until you considered the marriage proposal waterborne diseases waiting to strike. Over dinner that night Garrett finally, painfully, told Becca that he’s in love with her and her face lit up bright enough to light the path to their tent. Yeah, a tent, because when your date keeps wearing camouflage shorts in a jungle it’s only right to make him sleep outside. They woke up the next morning with what appeared to be a broken headboard and Garrett’s declaration that “alls I want is her.” Alls. ALLS. I can’t with him.
KNOCK KNOCK, WHO’S THERE?
Apparently Chiang Mai didn’t have return flights to the US available so Jason was stuck stewing in his hotel room while Becca was out playing patty cake with Garrett. Simple proximity meant that he chose to surprise Becca and a full production team in her room the next day for “closure.” He also wanted to give her the burn book scrapbook he had painstakingly glued together with his tears, because he’s a grown man without access to the internet. Becca said that the world needs more Jasons, but not, you know, her world. Jason came across looking mature, dewy, in need of a haircut, and ready to be the next Bachelor.
WHY IS THERE A ROSE CEREMONY THOUGH?
Since Becca sent Jason home twice this episode there really wasn’t a need for a rose ceremony, but the Bachelorette had booked a Thai garden and prepaid Chris Harrison so it was happening, like it or not. Both Garrett and Blake accepted their rose and celebrated the announcement of the next leg of their journey to the Maldives where they’ll meet Becca’s family. But the real treat came when Garrett raised his glass and said, “so a toast to you Becca for giving me the quality time and the extra alone time that I needed and I just want to toast to love and you make my heart feel so special and I can’t wait to meet your people.” Slow clap for making Blake look more uncomfortable than the time he found out his mom was having an affair with his basketball coach, Garrett.
Next week is the Men Tell All episode where Jason will get our sympathy and everyone else will look tan and freshly detoxed from Paradise. I’m having abdominal surgery today so I may or may not be back next week, but either way I’m having a better day than the camera operator on these fantasy dates. Who do you think is going to “win”? Who is your top pick for The Bachelor? Let’s talk in the comments.
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