No, no Chad it’s not hot enough for me. I would prefer it to be so hot outside that my skin ACTUALLY becomes alight with flames. I want my flip flops to melt to the sidewalk, that way I can be faced with the horrible choice of abandoning them and running across the sweltering asphalt or staying there and begging passersby for a cold drink.
Personally, I love it when the air I’m breathing feels thicker than an alpaca wool sweater.
Yeah, no, no I don’t. I used to love summertime but back then I was a young silly twenty-something-year-old who didn’t know about the pain of my inner thighs rubbing together. Now, I hide out indoors like the heat-adverse hermit that I am aspiring to be. The recent heat-wave that has gripped America in its sweaty palms has only reminded me how terrible boob sweat is.
So, aside from complaining about the oppressive heat, what can we do about it? Don’t worry sweaty friends, Team Normal has some ideas for you all.
My current favorite summertime drink is Polar Seltzer’s summer edition Pineapple Lemon Twist and Pinnacle Pineapple Vodka. As I was sitting outside, suffering the heat for what every true Marylander waits all year for, I sipped on this refreshing cocktail and lived my best life. Steamed Maryland crabs and booze, life is good.
Nikki R’s nail salon makes Cham-Pops, making me wonder why my salon only offers water with lemon?
Emily L is beating the heat by sipping on a frozen sangria, making me question why I haven’t broken out my blender yet.
And then we have our dear friend Courtney, living in Italy, throwing out crazy ideas about drinking HOT TEA to cool off. Apparently, this is a thing, as she sent me this article as proof. I’m still skeptical, but if there’s a chance I won’t end up a sweltering puddle on the sidewalk, I’ll try anything.
HAHAHAHA, okay, I know this seems obvious, stay inside and enjoy the AC, but that’s not always possible for everyone. Not everyone has AC or the ability to park it on the couch and not move till October. So, here are some easy suggestions for anyone who wants to beat the heat on the cheap.
If there is one thing we love more than booze here at TN, it’s books. So check out your local public library, find a good book and enjoy that AC they pump out. Got a kid to entertain? You’re in luck, most public libraries have kids programs. Everything from crafts to story-time, you and your kids can enjoy an afternoon without shelling out tons of money at Chuck-E-Cheese (or wondering what germs lay in wait in the ball pit).
Another thing that I legit love doing, is going for walks in the mall. Yeah, I know, I am actually a 75-year-old man trapped in a 34-ish’s body. But you guys, mall walking is the best. The mall in my town opens it’s doors at 8am for managers to open shop and for the mall walker’s to strut their stuff. And yes, I strut. When it’s 95 degrees outside at 7am, you got to figure out a way to get your steps in somehow. Bonus, my mall has a Barnes & Noble with a Starbucks in it, so I get extra “steps” in wondering the aisles for new reading material.
A lot of people would probably suggest something like a public pool, but I have a severe fear of being contaminated by poop particles, so instead, I recommend a nice relaxing day at your own pool. Don’t have a pool? Neither did I until I bought this bad boy. Now, I am living the pool life courtesy of my hose and my lounge chair.
When it gets so hot outside you do not want to eat anything, I find myself indulging in a lot of fruit and veggies all summer long. For an easy meal that means I don’t have to turn the oven or stove-top on, I make this Slow Cooker Taco Chicken Chili. My husband loves it and it makes enough that we get several meals out of it. Win-Win.
For a light and easy dessert, I mix cool whip with a chocolate pudding cup for a light and easy chocolate mousse and then crumble vanilla pizzelle cookies on top. Hits the chocolate spot every time.
Summer used to be fun, no school, no bed time, no worries. Now, I spend all summer wishing it was fall and wondering just how low I can set our thermostat to before my husband catches on.
Oh and remember friends, when it’s about 100 degrees outside, make like a vampire and avoid the sun at all costs.