Twelve men are left in the season giving Becca 12-1 odds of finding love if lady luck stays on her side. Okay, that’s all of the Vegas sayings I can remember from that one I time I half slept through Swingers on a date in college. I don’t feel bad about it.
Week five of The Bachelorette gave us a boring one-on-one date, a crazy two-on-one date, and a group date featuring Wayne Newton on a horse. So, just like that one time pictures leaked of Prince Harry playing pool naked in a Las Vegas penthouse, everybody is leaving a winner.
So Many Hump Day Jokes
The first date card of the week went to former NFL bench warmer, Colton, whom we fondly remember as the guy who spent a weekend with Tia back when he thought she was going to be the bachelorette instead of Becca. But don’t worry guys, that’s all totally behind them and will definitely not be brought up every episode the rest of this season and on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. While I waited for my eyes to unroll from the back of my head, Colton and Becca rode camels in the desert near Virgin River. The Bachelorette has never claimed to be subtle. They kissed in a hot tub (also in the desert) and then had dinner where Colton confessed that the word “love” means a lot to him. Pretty earth shaking stuff, I don’t know how Becca stopped herself from eloping right then and there. He got the rose because he’s cute and it’s hard to say no when you’re tipsy on the top deck of a bus labeled “Big Bus”.
Is that Wayne Newton?
Hopefully Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln (who they’re slowly editing out of the show), Jason, and Chris don’t mind being out-shined on their group date, because here comes Wayne Newton on horseback. By out-shined I mean literally, because his face was artificially glowing with the hue of a thousand spray guns. They were all at Wayne’s home, Casa de Shenandoah, where he coached the guys through re-writing the lyrics to “Danke Schoen” before they performed in front of a live audience. Quick question, at what point do you become rich enough to give your home a name? My guess is that it’s around the time you start collecting peacocks as pets. (Wayne has those too.) The performances were as cringe worthy as you’d expect, but Chris R. was pretty sure he crushed it. Unfortunately for his oversize ego, the only one Becca was crushing on was Blake who admitted that he’s falling in love with her. His head is oddly too small for his body, but he seemed sincere so I swooned a little. Blake got the date rose and Chris R. got pissed.
Chicken vs. Model
Finally it was the title match we’ve all been waiting for. Mano a mano. Chicken vs. Model. David and Jordan were going on the two-on-one date for a jeep ride and a nice relaxing back stabbing on a bed in the desert. No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you, they did recreate the infamous two-on-one date between Ashley Iaconetti and that crazy widow from Chris Soule’s season. This time David with the broken bunk bed face wasted his time with Becca by gossiping about my boy Jordan. He claimed that Jordan said he was settling by dating Becca. Jordan was distressed. He started popping out sad backstory nuggets and chicken crossing jokes like it was the source of his “professionality.” Just kidding, we know his face already has that job.
Becca wasn’t feeling the drama so she sent tattletale David home to nurse his literal wounds (the guy had a brain bleed!). That meant she and Jordan continued the date at dinner, but Jordan spent the entire time talking about himself. At one point I’m pretty sure he asked a PA to run back to the hotel to grab his modeling portfolio. I’m not sure how but he was genuinely shocked when Becca sent him home as well. Good thing she can’t send home my love for him because I adore that big dummy. I hope he’s on every season of Paradise until I die clutching my remote.
Wills for President
Anyone who has ever been to Vegas knows things take a turn for the worse on the third day. By then you’re tired, broke, and full of regret. Lucky for us, the cocktail party fell right in that sweet spot. Mix in an over-inflated sense of self worth with a whole lot of jealousy and you get the perfect cocktail for Chris R. to lose it. First of all Chris, no, Becca does not “owe you 50,000 kisses” for not talking to you on the group date. Second of all, you wrote two mediocre songs with Wayne Newton and Richard Marx. You’re not an actual rock star, you’re a 30 year-old Sales Trainer from Orlando. Third of all, no one disrespects my boy Wills by interrupting his conversation like that and gets away with it. Basically Chris thinks Becca owes him a rose and I think he needs to go away. Respect to Wills for standing up to him and for pulling off that plaid suit. Sadly nice guy John from Venmo got sent home so we’re stuck with Chris for at least another week.
Next week Becca and the nine remaining men are heading to exotic Richmond, Virginia. ABC must really be raking in the big money with this franchise. Here’s a teaser of the rest of the season to help you calm down from that exciting news.
What do you think of the season so far? Were you Team David or Team Jordan? There’s a right answer. It’s Team Jordan. Let’s talk about how much we love him in the comments.
