Honestly, I’m having a hard time finding anything funny this week, but we all need an escape and there’s nothing better for pure escapism than The Bachelorette. There’s something about watching beautiful twenty-somethings humiliate themselves on national television that warms the heart. I’ll take two hours of that every Monday night in perpetuity, thanks.
David’s Face
Last week’s episode ended on a cliffhanger. No, don’t be silly, we weren’t left wondering if Becca would actually find love. We were left wondering what David’s face looked like after his traumatic bunk bed injury. It turns out he looked like an extra on a Sylvester Stallone movie, but don’t worry, his resting smug face had made a full recovery. In the words of very serious Wilhelmina model, Jordan, David got a pity rose and went to bed before Becca could send long-haired Mike and banjo playing Ryan home. Bye hot men we never got to know because everyone else on this show talks too much.
Becca + Garrett = Love
The remaining 15 men flew to Park City, Utah where Becca finally got what she’s been waiting for, a date with Garrett. I get it. Garrett is super hot, funny, confident, is seriously into Becca and they have really great chemistry. Plus, Becca says he reminds her of her dad; you know, the dad she idolizes because he died when she was young. Yeah, it’s game over, Becca has major heart eyes over Garret.
They spent the day shopping, riding bobsleds with married Olympic silver medalist winning lesbians, dancing at a Granger Smith concert (no clue who that is) and had dinner where he told her all about his divorce. Sure it was weird that he blamed the end of his two month long marriage on an emotionally abusive ex without taking any responsibility, but whatever, it’s The Bachelorette. Without prior knowledge of Garrett’s abhorrent social media history I’d be #Team Garrett, but I do have knowledge so sorry, I can’t with him. Next time The Bachelorette wants me to like a front-runner they should make sure he doesn’t think memes of brown children being thrown over a border wall are funny.
Lincoln isn’t a Scientist
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Lincoln was spreading flat earth conspiracy theories. Honestly, where are they finding these people? It’s bad enough that Lincoln thinks the earth is held together by “friction,” but last week he was also in the news for being sentenced in a sexual assault case dating back to 2016. My understanding is that he is going to have to register as a sex offender. So hey, good to know that doesn’t stop you from getting cast on The Bachelorette. At this point a motivated pre-teen with access to a solid wifi connection would be more adept at background checks than ABC.
Lumber Jacked
The show is basically over now that Becca is crazy for Garrett, but it must go on for our entertainment. Clearly there’s no better way to lull the masses than by having thirteen men compete at splitting wood and throwing axes on a lumberjack date. The only interesting part of this date was that nerdy software engineer John dominated against ex-professional athletes and aspiring Instagram fitness models. Plus, in an ongoing theme this season, it gave Becca and her gaggle of suitors the chance to learn from another female expert at a male dominated sport. I see you, girl.
Jean Blanc Has No Cool
These men have known Becca for a grand total of four weeks so the pressure is on to start making lasting connections or risk not getting on Bachelor in Paradise until the end when everyone is already coupled up. It’s serious. So serious that Jean Blanc, the colognoisseur, gifted Becca with a personalized perfume bottle and an unexpected declaration of love. Yes, the man who has never spent more than a few minutes alone with her said that he’s falling for her. Becca went completely blank faced and then recovered in time to tell him that they weren’t at the same place emotionally so it’s time for him to go home. As she walked him to the door he stopped and told her that actually he was lying before and just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. Becca accepted his apology and brought him back into the date. Just kidding, she got furious and made him leave immediately because that’s a stupid thing to do even for a cologne enthusiast.
Wills you love me?
The next day opened with shots of fresh-faced Becca sadly looking out the window from a four poster bed spliced with more shots of her gazing forlornly out a door. She’s sad, we get it. Who wouldn’t be sad to realize one of the 15 men you’re dating on a nationally televised dating show wasn’t there for the right reasons. Fortunately, sweet Wills was there to take her mind off things on their snowmobiling date. I like Wills a lot. He’s sincere, cute, fun, and genuinely seems into Becca. I like him so much that I only slightly gagged when he overshared about his last relationship ending because his ex wanted him to take a “hall pass”. Becca spent the day cuddling with him, kissing him, giving him a date rose and being grateful that he was nice to her.
See You Never
Apparently Becca was still upset about whats-his-face lying about his love so she cancelled the cocktail party. Why does she hate us so much? She skipped right to the rose ceremony where she sent Christon and Nick home (don’t ask me, I don’t know who they are either). That’s good news for us though because it means that pensive gentleman Jordan lives to see another date in Paradise and it looks like it’s going to be a two-on-one in Las Vegas.
Did this week’s episode adequately distract you from all the gross things happening in the world? Me either, but we can try again next week. Until then, donate to causes like these and make sure everyone you know is registered to vote. Who are your front runners? Is there any chance she doesn’t pick Garrett at the end of this thing? Let’s talk in the comments.
