Here’s the thing, you can’t present 28 men to me and not expect me to superficially judge them. This is just how God made me. But in the interest of personal development, I’m going to refrain from judging too hard prior to getting to know them and instead offer what every attractive single man in his sexual peak wants: unsolicited advice from a married mom of three. They’re so lucky.
Kamil, Lincoln and Ryan
Kamil, Lincoln, Ryan
Thanks to Kamil’s blue eyes, Lincoln’s Nigerian Bristish accent and Ryan’s WASPy Kennedy vibes I only have one piece of advice for these three. Hire a social media manager because people are about to start sliding into your DMs like they have gold medals in luging for hot dudes.
Clay
Clay may be a free agent tight end with an impressive professional football career, but who cares about that when he could be a body double for Dwayne Johnson in that turtleneck? If the whole temporary fiancé/NFL thing doesn’t work out, I strongly advise taking a quick trip to Tijuana to pick up a gold chain and fanny pack. It worked out pretty well for Dwayne, that’s all I’m saying.
Leo and Mike
Leo is Jason Momoa-lite (which is all any of us could handle anyway, don’t lie) and Mike has a bulldog named Riggins (which I can only assume is an homage to his lookalike Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights) so they’re both doing just fine without my unsolicited advice. However, I would be remiss not to remind them to pack dry shampoo. There aren’t enough showers in the Bachelor mansion for all that Pantene Pro-V goodness.
Joe, Darius, John and Wills
Looking at the sweet smiles on these men’s faces before they entered their inevitable slide into a sad life of social media influencing and Coachella photo ops is like watching that one animal shelter commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song. Instant tears. Joe, you have a bright future as a grocery store owner in Chicago. Darius, is the pharmaceutical sales game really that bad? John, Silicon Valley will never look at you the same. And you Wills? Your love for Harry Potter is too pure this world. My advice is to travel back in time and don’t do the damn thing.
Alex and Christian
One glimpse at construction manager Alex and banker Christian and I knew they’re going to look great with their shirts off. That’s a good thing because neither of them have any idea how to style their clothes. My advice to them is to go shirtless and/or raid the luggage of the other men while they’re sleeping.
Jason
Jason’s cast bio says that when he’s “not rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills, he’s belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies.” Uh, yeah, like the songs from Newsies circa 1992 because you’ll never convince me that’s not him starring as Racetrack Higgins. My advice for Jason is to sing “I’m the King of New York” on night one just because I’d really like to see that. Thanks.
Chase, Christon, Grant and Rickey
I’m no expert yes I am but, something about these four screams “put me on a Mexican beach with too much alcohol and partially clad women.” My advice is to keep their bags packed because they have a one way ticket to Paradise.
Chris, Jordan and Nick
If these three don’t look like a boy band Simon Cowell reluctantly threw together then I didn’t scream loud enough to lose my voice at a Backstreet Boys concert in my thirties. (I did.) Listen, I’m sure as individuals they’re great, but you know when you look at someone and just know you’re going to be able to write great jokes about them? That’s these three. My advice is to mute Twitter notifications on Monday nights for the foreseeable future.
Connor
Connor, it’s not personal, it’s your inability to button your shirt. Do something about that.
Jean Blanc and David
Let’s keep this simple, my advice for Duke educated engineer, Jean Blanc and venture capitalist, David is to remember that the producers of The Bachelorette are not your friends. The next time one of them convinces you to list your occupation as a “Colognoisseur” because you like cologne, maybe don’t do that. Or, you know, if one of them tells you it would be a good idea to dress up as a chicken on night one, take a hard pass.
Trent and Jake
During his Facebook Live event, Chris Harrison casually mentioned that realtor and sometimes romance novel cover model, Trent brings Becca a controversial gift on night one. Then he slipped it in there that marketing consultant Jake has a controversial past with Becca. My advice is to please, for the love of God, play it cool for once in your pomade loving lives. Oh and don’t refer to your moms as “mommy” because you’re both giving off that vibe.
Blake, Garrett and Colton
It took me a minute to come up with some good advice for Blake, Garrett and Colton because I got lost gazing into their perfect faces. My only piece of advice for these three is to start doing some squats because, if Becca reacts to them the way I did, one of them is going to end up on his knee proposing.
I haven’t been this excited for a season of The Bachelorette since my weight matched the one listed on my driver’s license. The season premieres on ABC Monday, May 28th, but unlike chicken boy, I’ll be here all season long. Keep your eyes open for a link to our That’s Normal Bachelorette Fantasy League and tell me who your favorites are in the comments!
