We’ll get to the introductions soon, but first The Bachelorette producers dedicated several awkward minutes to reliving the end of Becca’s engagement to he who must not be named Arie. The only thing I’d like to see less than Arie’s face is the end of the “let’s do the damn thing” catchphrase, but neither appear to be going anywhere.
Fortunately the other thing not going anywhere were the mimosas when former Bachelorettes Rachel, JoJo, and Kaitlyn showed up to give Becca advice and cleanse the mansion of bad juju with sage. This led to Rachel wafting smoke around Becca’s genitals and Kaitlyn referring to the sage as a giant doobie. Clearly, unlike the rest of the cast*, these four weren’t on a drink limit.
Let’s hope you’re enforcing a personal drink limit at home or else the much anticipated limo arrivals may drive you to a dark place. Starting off on a positive note was failed NFL player/Nonprofit Founder Colton with a matching set of confetti poppers to start things off with a bang. Thankfully he left the crushed velvet vest he wore in his intro package at home. I was going to say I hadn’t seen that much crushed velvet since my 8th grade dance but I ventured into a Forever 21 last weekend and was proven incorrect.
Colorado native Blake rode in on an ox because his feelings for Becca are “as strong as an ox”, but I missed the rest while considering if it looked healthy enough to ford a river during a game of Oregon Trail. Chris R. ushered an entire gospel choir out of a limo to serenade Becca like he was casting Sister Act 3. Wills showed Becca his Harry Potter tattoo. Joe the cute grocery store owner from Chicago got so nervous he could barely speak. Christon, a former Harlem Globetrotter literally jumped over Becca’s standing body to dunk a ball. All in all, things were going well.
Then a dude showed up in a hearse. For real, Trent showed up in a hearse because he “literally died” when he found out Becca was the bachelorette. More like his career as a romance novel model died, because gross.
From there the introductions devolved into jokes about a life size cutout of Arie, jokes about race car drivers like Arie, and general topics of conversation regarding Arie. You know, her ex, just the topic every woman wants to discuss on a first date. Don’t worry though, she also complimented Leo on having hair just like her sister so the flow of conversation went both ways. Then there was Kamil who stopped a few feet out of the limo and asked Becca to meet him halfway because relationships are 50/50. She obliged so he stepped back another few steps and told her he’d prefer 60/40.
Around this point in the episode was when the Right Reasons™ enforcers came out to question Chase and Jake’s intentions. Apparently Jake from Minneapolis had met Becca on multiple occasions back home but never pursued a relationship with her until the show. She sent him packing faster than I could make a Jake from State Farm joke. Then Chris R. brought up that he had received a text from one of Chase’s ex-girlfriends making him sound less than desirable as a temporary life partner for Becca. She sat them down to get the full scoop, but not before Chase could make an accidentally misogynistic comment about “women.” Gotta hate when that happens.
Meanwhile, male model Jordan was walking around making everyone in the mansion hate him with his self-absorbed comments. Too bad that hate didn’t pass through the television, because I think I’m in love. When he wasn’t waxing poetic about being a “pensive gentleman” he was talking about spending six hours picking out his outfit and bemoaning how taxing it is to be in shape and tan year round. Plus, in his own words, he can’t go home because, “it wouldn’t be fair to Becca.” He’s awful. I love it. I hope he stays forever.
Speaking of staying forever, the first impression rose went to outdoor sport enthusiast Garrett. Garrett is handsome, funny, and arrived in a minivan packed full of car seats and baby gear because he wants to be a dad and husband. Well played, Garrett, if the internet didn’t exist you’d be my Bachelorette boyfriend.
Unfortunately for Garrett it does and now we know that he has a history of liking seriously hateful memes on Instagram. It’s impossible for me to cheer for a person who wants to be a dad but thinks jokes about throwing babies over a border wall or calling Parkland students crisis actors are funny. I’m hopeful that a genuine apology is on the horizon, but don’t @ me about his conservative values. If being conservative equates to being transphobic and fat-shaming then there’s a serious problem. In the meantime Becca, who has posted pictures wearing Biden 2020 shirts and holding signs in support of the Women’s March, has hit it off with the unarguably charming, Garrett. Thanks for nothing, internet.
Now that Becca was firmly crushing on Garrett she was ready to ax some dead weight. Obviously 60/40 guy went home, the text message guy too, the electrician Grant who my dad somehow knew from work, and three other men we’ll never see again unless you’re trolling for personal trainers on Instagram. But she also cut Joe the grocery store owner from Chicago and Bachelor Nation was not pleased. At least we’ll always have Paradise.
21 men still remain for you to choose from in our fantasy league bracket before they’re locked in when the second episode airs on Monday, June 4th. Becca appears to like them tall, handsome, and bad at social media, so choose wisely. Until then, check out this crazy season teaser and question everything in your life that led you to care about this show.
What did you think of the season premiere? Who is your top three so far? Does the Garrett controversy bother you or am I being a snowflake? (I’m not.) Let’s talk in the comments.
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*Thanks Corinne and Demario.
