This week Arie traveled to Peru with his two remaining victims girlfriends, introduced them to his family, dumped one, got engaged to the other, dumped her too, and then proposed to the other one. I’ve seen Nicholas Sparks movies with less drama.
The state of the Bachelor Nation is slightly less stable than that of North Korea, but their ratings are strong so they have that going for them.
Meet the Parents
Before we could get to the grand finale, Arie needed to introduce his sister wives to his family. The whole Luyendyk crew gathered in Cusco, Peru to judge his prospects like ranchers at a 4H auction. According to their fifteen minute conversations, Lauren is lovely but Becca would fit his lifestyle better. In other words, Lauren is pretty but Becca has an actual personality to make up for his lack of one. Arie is still “in love” with both of them (and verbally declaring it at every chance) so he needs one more date with each woman before he decides to engage the patented Luyendyk breeding program.
Last Dates
For some reason both of the women are still attracted to Arie, so the next two days are spent on individual dates exploring Peru and their bodies his feelings for them. Arie and Lauren visited Machu Picchu where he blamed the altitude for his desire to kiss her up against walls built in the 15th century. Arie and Becca held baby alpacas or something on their date, but I think I nodded off for a minute because this episode was three hours long and he’s insufferable.
At the end of the two dates Arie was still in love with both of them. I don’t know what else to say about that except that I once had altitude sickness so bad while traveling in Cusco, Peru that I fainted in a puddle of my own vomit and I still had a better time than being there with Arie.
Break up and Engagement: Take One
We should have known things weren’t going to end well when there was more than an hour left in the episode and Arie was already waiting at the bottom of a hill for the first limo. Then again, we were probably distracted by the Emperor’s New Groove themed decor and the wild animals littering the walkway. Lauren and Becca were both equally confident in their relationships, but it was Lauren who stepped out of the first limo and walked towards her freedom breakup. I thought Lauren might throw herself into the raging brown river behind Arie when he dumped her, but instead she said she loved him and he said he loved her too. Because he’s the actual worst.
That meant that Becca was the one Arie chose to spend the rest of the weekend his life with. She walked towards him confidently, told him that she’s ready to “do the damn thing,” and accepted his tepid proposal for reasons I’ll never understand. The man literally has the numbers “24601” tatooed on his wrist like he’s the Jean Valjean of The Bachelor/Tonka truck racing, but I’m pretty sure we’re the ones being unjustly punished in this situation. Becca looked beautiful, he looked shell-shocked, I looked around for the remote to change the channel before I lost all hope for humanity.
Arie Ruins Everything
That moment when you’re supposed to act sad, but you know your ratings are skyrocketing.
Typically at this point in the show the screen fades to black and the After the Final Rose special begins where we catch up on everything that has happened in the months since filming stopped. Not this time. This time Chris Harrison was practically peeing his pants in excitement as he announced that The Bachelor was making reality TV history by showing an entire unedited hour of footage. In other words, an entire hour of Becca being blindsided by Arie and a camera crew during one of their secret weekend rendezvous. I can’t lie, it was awful and I hated it, but I also watched every second like a blood thirsty spectator in a Roman Colosseum so who’s the real monster here?
Arie told Becca that he couldn’t stop thinking about Lauren and that he was ending their engagement in the hope of getting Lauren back. Becca and her mascara held up amazingly well under the circumstances, but Arie wouldn’t leave. He literally wouldn’t leave. She kept asking him to go and he kept saying he was leaving and then he would just sit there. Go away, Arie, no one wants you here. Eventually he left and the episode ended but not before the internet had rallied and started sending Becca cash via venmo to buy wine. That’s the love story we didn’t know we needed.*
*At last count, over $6,000 had been added to her Venmo account. She plans to donate the money to Stand Up to Cancer with matching funds from The Bachelor. It’s the literal least they can do.
After the Final Rose
Arie must have some sort of magic in his grossly aggressive kissing, because Lauren took him back and forgave him. Predictable. I’m still mad at my husband for the way he loaded the dishwasher the other day, but she can forgive him for dumping her on the same day he proposed to another woman. That’s either some next level evolution or she’s just an animated robot doll and we all missed it. My money is on the robot doll. Arie and Becca spoke about the mistake he made by proposing but I got caught up on the mistake he made by sending Lauren direct messages while he was still engaged to Becca. Pretty sure that’s cheating on all seven continents.
Who cares about decency though, this is The Bachelor! Chris Harrison brought out Lauren to speak in monosyllabic sentences about her undying love for Arie. Then Arie got down on one knee and proposed to a woman from this season for the second time in two days. I guess my youth pastor was right, true love really does wait. Lauren said yes, obviously. They’re planning to leave the country for a few weeks and eventually settle in Arizona. Just like your grandparents.
The Big Announcement
After being thoroughly humiliated on national television, it’s only natural that Becca would want to take a step back to refocus and practice some self-care. What better way to do that than by humiliating herself on national television again only this time as the star of The Bachelorette? But seriously, did you guys see the men they’ve cast so far? You can’t blame the girl and May 28th can’t get here soon enough.
We Have a Winner
Just as Arie’s relevance has come to an end, so has our Bachelor Fantasy League. Congratulations, RacefortheRose on your first place finish. Please tell us who you are in the comments and send an email with your contact information to [email protected] so that we can send you a prize better than an engagement ring from Arie. For the record, I’m ended in third place because no one went in a hot tub on the final episode. I’m only a lot bitter about it. Let’s rematch in May.
Did you guys lose your voices yelling at the TV? Do you think Arie would have changed his mind no matter who he picked? No really, what’s wrong with him? Would you be able to forgive your partner for this? How excited are you for Becca’s season? I seriously can’t wait to talk about everything in the comments.
