The only redeeming factor from the first month of 2018 is that I’m actually keeping my new year’s resolution to live simply. In other words, I say no to a lot of things now and, I don’t want to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at it.
No, I won’t spend every weekend at indoor trampoline parks so my kid can contract Ebola at their friend’s birthday party.
No, I won’t worry about what Taco Bell’s new french fries are doing to my arteries.
No, I won’t stop watching clips of Kevin Hart getting blocked from the stage at the Super Bowl.
And, most importantly, no I won’t pretend to care who not-Peter Arie temporarily falls in love with this season on The Bachelor.
I will, however, keep watching and writing about it because I’m not dead inside. Yet.
The last two weeks of Bachelor episodes have featured everything from Arie licking a bowling ball in Fort Lauderdale to Arie licking the inside of each of the remaining nine women’s mouths in Paris. I feel a love story for the ages on the horizon.
This is the state of the Bachelor Nation.
Most annoying sound in the world
You know Krystal as the fitness instructor who clearly thinks making sex noises every time she exhales is cardio. All of the women hate her, she’s self-important, she wears obscene amounts of crushed velvet and her biceps look like they could squish Arie’s skull even while ensconced in the safety of his racing helmet. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? She’s the perfect two-on-one date candidate.
*
Unsurprisingly, she went up against taxidermy enthusiast/fountain of wisdom beyond her age, Kendall on a date in France. What was surprising was that when she lost, she was left in a hotel room with a view of the Eiffel Tower. Do better, Bachelor! We deserved a more dramatic send-off. At the very least she should have been abandoned in the bell tour of Notre-Dame like Quasimodo.
Bye, Krystal. See you in Paradise.
*Thank you to my younger brother’s high school best friend’s wife, Brittany for sharing this video with me. The Bachelor brings people together.
Heard a rumor
Here’s the thing, The Bachelor is boring this year. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but there it is. I’m not saying I miss General Lee, the racist from Rachel’s season or Corinne’s whipped cream antics from Nick Viall’s but I could use slightly more excitement than Arie commenting on oversize wheels of cheese. Truly, only Arie could make a date at the Moulin Rouge during which six of his future ex-girlfriends sashayed by in cancan costumes, a bore fest.
***Skip the next paragraph if you don’t want nameless spoilers.***
I don’t want to get your hopes up but there may be some excitement in the distant future for not-Peter. Rumor has it that Arie is going to pull a Mesnick, and I don’t mean he’s going to cry on a balcony. Apparently he is going to pick one woman at the final rose ceremony and then CHANGE HIS MIND sometime between the end and the reunion show.
Runaway
Even if Arie doesn’t redeem his season by ruining his final choice’s life at the After the Final Rose special, we’ll always have Bekah M. to entertain us. Earlier this week I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw an article about a 22 year-old woman who was reported missing by her mom from a marijuana farm in California. It was Bekah. They found her on The Bachelor. My life is now complete.
Thought missing, Humboldt woman spotted on ‘The Bachelor’ https://t.co/yT5THQ13bC pic.twitter.com/ShFMtNw2fr
— SFGate (@SFGate) February 2, 2018
What’s your fantasy?
Some people get fantasy suites. Some people join our fantasy league (well done RaceForTheRose and Not Here for Not-Peter on being tied for first). Some people fantasize that The Bachelor will suddenly be only one hour long instead of two. But all of us share the fantasy that Luke Pell has said he loves them. I don’t want to brag yes I do but, guys, Luke and I are very happy together.
That video is huge and I won’t apologize for it.
What grade do you give Arie for this season so far? Do you believe that big (spoiler alert) rumor is true? Does Bekah M. owe her mom an apology for not getting kidnapped from a pot farm? Let’s talk in the comments.
