Since we last addressed the state of the Bachelor nation, six additional hours of The Bachelor and The Bachelor Winter Games have aired. I’d pretend that I don’t have time for that, but the truth is that I do and I did and I regret nothing.
This week Arie went on four hometown dates, Clare dumped a guy who is way too young and too hot for her in exchange for a misogynistic German man, Ashley I. finally got her man and Dean Unglert fell in love…again.
The state of the Bachelor nation is strong.
Hometown Zero
I’m just going to say it, Arie’s season of The Bachelor is nearly unwatchable. I haven’t been this uninterested in a season of The Bachelor since Juan Pablo tried to convince us “it’s okay”. Not even watching Arie stuff rat carcasses with cardboard on his hometown date with Kendall could cheer me up. All it did was remind me of his cardboard personality. This show has broken me.
Arie has a type
The hometown dates went as you’d expect. Tia’s family toasted cocktail weenies under the shadow of a huge sign that said “cook shack,” which I assume is the Weiner, Arkansas version of a tiki bar. Becca took Arie to an apple farm in Minnesota and then introduced him to her scary Uncle. There was a brief glimpse of hope when Kendall introduced her twin sister Kylie and I held my breath that she would also have a big sister named Kim; but, alas she just has a normal Los Angeles family who over-accessorizes and doesn’t think she’s ready for marriage. Where’s Caitlyn Jenner when we need her?
Lauren’s hometown date is when things finally began to click for me. Yes, based on their chemistry, it’s possible that she is actually The Bachelor’s first contestant who was whittled out of wood. Yes, her family almost definitely has a cache of MAGA hats hidden in their home. But, she looks exactly like Arie’s ex, Emily Maynard. It must be true love
These are pictures of two different women.
Basically Arie likes Emily Lauren, but has to keep literally anyone with a personality on this show to counteract his lack of one. That means Lauren, Becca and Kendall are heading to Peru for fantasy dates. Tia got sent home in what should have been a shocking rose ceremony, but then Arie cooed at her like a pigeon while she cried and killed everything good inside of me.
Thank God for Bachelor Winter games
The Bachelor Winter Games are happening faster than it takes Clare to ghost a German guy on a jacuzzi date. (That’s schnell.) Basically all you need to know is that Dean finally found the maternal figure he craved in Lesley Murphy (from Sean Lowe’s season). Ashley Iaconetti is probably going to lose her virginity on national television to a Canadian firefighter. And Ben Higgins is still sad and alone. Everything else is just pure entertainment. Who wants to start a petition to make all future iterations of The Bachelor include at least one one Japanese transplant named Yuki?
The Bachelor and/or The Bachelor Winter Games are airing five more times over the next thirteen days. That’s approximately ten hours of entertainment for Carly and Evan Bass to watch while they’re up with their new baby. That’s right, Isabella Bass is here, proving that faking an illness in Mexico is a surefire way to find lasting love.
Miracles really do happen.
Who do you think Arie is going to pick (at least the first time around)? Do you want Tia to be the next Bachelorette? Do you wish Winter Games was on every night for the rest of your life like I do? Let’s talk in the comments.
