Sicily’s “Byzantine” politics
As Bjorn enters throught the Pillars of Hercules into the Mediterranean, it becomes clear that he has not fully thought through where to go next. Luckily, he’s brought along Sindrick, the 9th century’s answer to “Gazoo” from the Flintstones, who is constantly popping up with opinions no one asked for.
l to r: Bjorn, Sindrick, Halfdan
Sindrick recommends Sicily over Rome, because Rome is sooooo totally over. The Norsemen try to play themselves off as traders – because of course look how few boats we have! – but it seems the Byzantium bred Commander Euphenius is much more interested in swords and muscles, than herbs and spices. Bjorn and Brutes Trading Co. decides to diversify into the bodyguarding biz for Euphenius, choosing vertical integration over possible execution. What’s next, Bjorn – MLM?
But things start to unravel a bit when the Vikings find out the guy who’s in charge isn’t actually the leader because the real leader is some Arab emir, who is not actually in Arabia, but in Africa, and who installed this underling to stick it to the emperor somehow, but I can’t quite follow what is happening because OH MY GOD STOP TALKING ALREADY, GAZOO!
Seriously, it feels like such a waste of stunning scenery to have Sindrick droning on about local politics like a 7th grade history teacher. SHOW DON’T TELL, PEOPLE.
Anyhoo, to make an excruciatingly, unendurably, long story short: things are not what they seem in Sicily. Be careful Vikingses!!
Magrette regrette
Front-runner in the least favorite Vikings character awards race, Magrette, pulled ahead of the pack this week by going full-on conniving Iago against Lagertha.
As part of her whisper campaign to unseat Lagertha, she informs hubby Ubbe that the gods have deserted Lagertha (WRONG!), and that Ubbe is the only one who can lead Kattegat (WRONG!), and that Lagertha made a big mistake not killing Harald (WRON- oh, wait, she’s totally right about that one).
Magrette becomes even more right when Lagertha confronts her about her treasonous plans, and instead of going RHOC on her, thusly:
The word “furry” somehow makes this perfect
Lagertha blathers on about giving this twerp respect if she has the “courage to be loyal.” Hello? SHE SAT IN YOUR CHAIR KWEEN!!! Where’s my bloodthirsty shieldmaiden?!! In addition to not ending well, I’m going to have to hold you responsible for making me agree with Magrette AGAIN!
Harald finally wins at love (?)
Resurfacing days after Harald’s most recent ill-fated seduction, Astrid comes upon Harald overseeing the delivery of a whale to port. Much whale talk ensues, which, apparently, is Astrid’s kink, because she ends the convo by joyfully agreeing to marry Harald. JK – it was more like: “I don’t really wanna, but I can’t fight fate, so whatevs.”
I love how Harald hops on the “fate train” by pointing out: “What if there was no place else for you to be?” Of course there was no place else for her to be BECAUSE YOU KIDNAPPED HER, DUMBASS.
source
They have a beautiful ceremony under the whale rib cage (see: her kink), presided over by Stevie Nicks (?) and a member of the Blue Man Group. Harald proclaims that his luck has finally changed, but Astrid’s flashback to Lagertha lovin’ during Priestess Nick’s speech about how “the cords that bind Fenrir aren’t severed,” indicate he may have spoken too soon.
Are you there Odin, It’s me hvitserk
Meanwhile in York, this happened:
Dear Diary,
Today I finally got up the nerve to tell Ivar my deepest feels about how Ubbe treated me like a dog, and do you know what Ivar did? Instead of engaging in the kind of supportive brothering I thought I could expect from someone who publicly committed fratricide with an axe, he said this:
“Woof, woof!” In front of everyone!! They were all cracking up! I was sooooooo totally embarrassed! Did I make the wrong choice, diary? I know he’s been a murderous psychopath since birth, but really thought I could change him. What should I do?
Well, the Saxon snipers are shooting arrows at my head, so I have to sign off now. I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you about my secret crush (hint: her bear-killing skills are dreamy)!
Love, Hvitserk
I came to make trouble
The Norsemen have outsmarted the Saxons at every turn, but Heahmund is a holy man with an unholy plan. Spurred by his visions of Saxons as “prophets standing before of the earth – if any man shall harm them fire will come,” and of “dead bodies of the wicked lying in the streets of this dead city because no one was left to bury them,” he suggests a blockade of all food and water so they invaders will die in a miasma of “waste and disease.” (I suggest that Heahmund lay off the spicy foods before bed, because: wow)
Now, Ivar has many attributes in the minus column: murderous, sadistic, sociopathic. But in the plus column, he is a total freakin’ genius! He responds to the blockade by creating the illusion that the Vikings are dying, burning wood to simulate pyres, and lulling the Saxons into a false sense of victory. Hvitserk doubts he actually has a plan, but Ivar shut that nonsense down. Of course he has a plan!
In total Wile E. Coyote fashion, the Saxons once again fall for Ivar’s sleight of hand, victoriously throwing open the gates to a city presumed dead and abandoned. Everything thing seems quiet. But is it too quiet? And where are all the bodies Heahmund was promised? And, MOST IMPORTANTLY:
Why, indeed.
Bonus moment: The wonky sexual politics of Vikings
Soooo, last week left many of us with an icky feeling in the wake of Lagertha’s non-consensual sex with Harald, which she confirmed in this tweet:
Here at TN, we find ourselves constantly grappling with the problematic sexual violence that plagues our favorite media, whether it be GoT, Outlander, or Westworld. And Vikings is no exception. I think what bothers me about how Vikings portrays rape is the inconsistency of attitude with which it’s treated. For example, just this season at the sacking of York, a young nun commits suicide in front of a horrified Ubbe, rather than suffer imminent sexual abuse at the hands of the conquering vikings. The horror of the violence, and utter despair of the situation was palpable.
In contrast, the scene in which Lagertha raped Harald suffered from a non-committal attitude toward the act similar to many other rape scenes in the series (the harem scene in Crossings) . At best, the scene did not faithfully portray Harald’s victimization by the violence (pretty sure that’s not what male rape looks like), letting Lags off the hook with viewers, at worst, it was played off with almost a wink and a nod to female parity in rapeyness (gross). Add to that the very problematic repetitive instances in the show of slaves “becoming willing lovers” to characters who wield significant power over them (there can be no consent here. that is called rape)*, it becomes increasingly hard to navigate this minefield and enjoy the show. Vikings experiences no shortage of physical violence to demonstrate the barbaric nature of its characters. There are blood eagles and gory sacrifices, suffocation deaths by molten gold and graphic beheadings. I don’t think layering on poorly-executed scenes of sexual violence add to the show in any way.
FURTHERMORE, the preponderance of gross, rapey storylines underscores how little actual good, titillating, sexy fun-times happen in the show any more. All the characters are in conflict, and there is no longer a heart to the show in the absence of even one loving relationship.
In other words: more of this, please
To repeat an oft-uttered refrain here at TN: DO BETTER.
Anyhoo, tune in next time when this happens to the Saxon army:
Until then:
Catch all our Vikings coverage here!
Will Bjorn and Co. get trapped in Euphenius’s web? Should Lagertha kick Magrette to the curb? Do you think the Saxons get all of their weapons from Acme manufacturing? Why does the Seer always have to be such a downer?
*Which almost happened again just last week with Ivar on the verge of demanding sexual favors of a slave.
All Vikings images courtesy of the History Channel
