Let’s see if the Vikings were able to pull off their plans, or whether Robert Burns #nailedit in this week’s top 5 moments of Vikings – The Prisoner:
Pop goes the Ivar
I surmised last week that Aethelwulf’s recapture of York would not end well, and was not disappointed. Smug in their easy taking of the city, the Saxons can’t pat themselves on the back enough. Unfortunately for them, Ivar is lurking in the tunnels below ready to strike. On his mark, the Norsemen begin to spring up out of the sewer, turning York into the world’s most hellish and deadly jack-in-the-box.
After recovering from the initial bout of pants-wetting, the Saxons engage, and the fight is on! Aethelwulf against Hvitserk! Hvitserk against Alfred! Alfred against the Incredible Hulk guy with Thor’s hammer! That shieldmaiden against the hooves of Heahmund’s horse! And the sound effects? *kisses fingers* Every gruesome death was its own unique foley-effect snowflake: Sqruench! Spleurt! Creunnnch! Shprushl! A true auditory smorgasbord!
The hand-to-hand between the MC’s made this one of my favorite battles scenes of the year. Unfortunately, Judith’s cousin Mannel, who met his end at the end of Thor’s hammer, can’t say the same.
Mannel’s amazing exploding head
Thank the merciful Lord that rest of the Saxon leadership made it out alive . . . or did they?
Ivar adopts a new pet
Heahmund, not one to abandon a fight, gets left behind by his army. He’s surrounded by the heathens, and we finally get the first real interaction between Ivar and Heahmund, and it’s as satisfying as we’d hoped!
Against insurmountable odds, Heahmund was for sure a goner, but Ivar is not willing to let Heahmund get off so easily. Ivar commands his army to get the Bishop his personal horse so he can continue the battle, and Heahmund brims with gratitude:
I’m ever so thankful, you insufferable heathen. Oh you’re so very welcome, pious git.
When Ivar finally tires of playing with his food, he orders Heahmund imprisoned. Ivar, exasperated by the stalemate over which one of them is on the more profound spiritual journey, decides to cut the crap and take Heahmund on an actual journey back to Kattegatt, where he intends to ally with Harald against Lagertha and Ubbe.
SIDENOTE: Was Heahmund kissing his sword about the sexiest thing that’s happened on Vikings this season, or was that just me?
There’s a man who know how to handle his weapon. *fans self*
Floki: Nutjob of Mystery
Meanwhile back in Kattegatt, Floki has found his way back from his magical island (without that crucial navigational instrument he threw overboard . . . riiiiiiiiiight), and struts back into town like some kind of rockstar:
“Did you miss my fabulous self?”
He tells Lagertha and her court about the wondrous land of the gods in a way the does not in the least make him sound crazy: “It’s dead, but alive. At the edge of everything, yet at the very center of it all. There are no humans only gods.” Although it sounds “greaaaaaaaat” and “totally not made-up,” Lagertha puts her foot down, and forbids him from luring away any “true believers.” She’s like, “I am literally neck-deep in assholes who are trying to take my crown, see? Like from every last direction, got it? So I cannot spare even one of my soldiers to traipse off to your magical land of Oz, okay? . . . OKAY????”
Floki does not understand the words coming out of her mouth, and instead assembles a small cult of folks, adorns them with a blood forehead cross that is in no way Manson-like, and arranges for them to rendezvous in Asgard. Still without the navigation thingy. But it will all be fine because, according to the Flokes “the gods will take care of us because we’re doing all this in their name.” Because that is definitely a thing that has been true in the past, like how Floki’s devotion to the gods was rewarded by his entire family not dying.*
*Note: his entire family did, in fact, die.
The new new martin and lewis
Back in the Mediterranean, we finally discover the one thing that can take the mighty Bjorn Ironsides down: 115 degree heat.
We also discover that Bjorn and Halfdan are the best comedy duo to come out of Vikings since Ragnar and Ecbert. They are introduced to opium in Africa, and during some bro talk after a night of wild sexing, Halfdan lets loose that his lady-gift was unexpectedly endowed. Bjorn’s bicurious ironside has some questions which Haldan deftly avoids by changing the subject to the night’s dinner plans.
Fortunately for Halfdan, the boy talk is interrupted by a ruckus. The duo run outside just in time to 1) find out that the client who is paying them for security has been arrested, 2) learn that he has escaped, and 3) witness the execution of the guards who were guarding Euphenius instead of, you know, his actual bodyguards.
I love these two together, and can’t wait for more of their buddy comedy antics! Providing they survive the next top moment . . .
The cook, the thief, his nun, and her lover
It turns out that Commander Euphenius didn’t so much “escape” as he “became a political liability for the Emir.” And by “became a political liability for the Emir,” I actually mean “became a signature dish for the night’s festivities.” And by that I actually mean “served as the Emir’s flagrant warning to Bjorn that threats to his power will not be tolerated.” And by “the Emir,” it turns out that what I REALLY mean is that Kassia is behind all this shit, and Bjorn? Gurl you better run!
Yes, according to Medieval Gazoo, Kassia of House Jesus, the unamused, wearer of dope hats, khaleesi of rebuffing Halfdan’s crushing, and queen of the resting bitch face is the real puppet master in this scenario. Which further begs the questions who the hell is she really, and WHERE DOES SHE GET THOSE DOPE HATS?!!
Bjorn and Halfdan do not get out in time, and the end of the episode find’s them facing the business end of Kassia’s henchmen’s swords. Will they escape in time?
Tune is next week to find out! Until then
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Will Bjorn and Halfdan find a hilarious way out of their predicament? Did Sindrick order up that storm, and is he really Odin? Do you think Ivar will carry his new pet around in a purse? How about dress him up in cute sweaters? How bad is Floki going to get it when Lagertha finds out what he did? AND WHERE IS ROLLO ALREADY?
