The average age of 35 year-old Arie’s future ex-girlfriends is a nubile 24, so I’m sure true love is on the horizon. But, before we can get to Arie’s happily ever after we need to get to know the women (and fill out our TN Fantasy League Brackets). What better way to get to know someone than to do a little online shopping for them? Call me Santa.
Should have checked ID’s at the door
Maquel and Olivia
We’re going to start things off easily with photographer, Maquel and marketing associate, Olivia for one simple reason: they’re barely out of puberty. JK they’re both seem fully developed, but at 23 years-old they’re also twelve years younger than our illustrious Bachelor. To put things in perspective, when Arie was 23 it was the year of our Lord, 2005 and the Motorola Razr was cool.
This year they’re getting Britney Spear’s career defining single I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman in their stockings.
She Who has no age
Bekah M.
If I could ask nanny, Bekah M., one question it would be how she gets her skin to glow like that. If I could ask her a second question it would be why she willingly admits she’s from Fresno but not how old she is. That’s right, we know her guilty pleasure is eating popcorn and that she’s an artist and rock climber, but we have no idea how old she is. She just completely left it off the application. Can I do that at the DMV next time?
This year Bekah M. is getting my favorite anti-aging serum because I need to convince myself that she’ll need it eventually too.
Where are Heidi and Audrina?
Lauren B., Lauren G., Lauren J., Lauren S.
The Bachelor must have employed the casting agent from The Hills because there are four Lauren’s this season. Again. One of them is even a Lauren B. a la Ben Higgin’s ex-fiance. This show is out of control. They owe us an apology.
This year they’re getting basic bish rose gold bar necklaces engraved with their last initial so we can tell them apart.
Lunch date anyone?
Amber, Bri, Brittane J., Brittany T.
In addition to dating the same mediocre man at the same time on national television, I’m hoping Amber, Bri, Brittane J. and Brittany T. share a lunch date with the people they chose, dead or alive, in their bios. Forget the fantasy suites, just picturing Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Beyonce and Kim Kardashian around one table with the cast of The Bachelor 2018 is good enough for me.
This year they’re getting copies of my daughter’s favorite book, Rad American Women A-Z to expand their imaginary dining companion horizons.
Drama on the horizon
Jacqueline and Jessica
Aside from serious hair envy, psychiatric researcher, Jacqueline and Canadian television host, Jessica stood out to me for one reason; I think they’re going to hate each other. Jacqueline’s bio is intensely intellectual while Jessica says “kissing is her favorite food.” I’ll give you one guess who Arie will like more.
This year they’re getting an xxl t-shirt that says “let’s hug it out” that they’ll have to cuddle in until they can get along.
Hold me, I’m scared
Kendall
Kendall, a 26 year-old creative director from Santa Clarita, once “drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train.” Sounds normal. But wait, there’s more. She also collects taxidermy and prefers a man with a “can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body.” There’s no way this disappoints.
This year she gets these cute animal socks that’ll make her feet look like the stuffed carcasses of her dreams, but in an adorable way.
Music Matters
Ali and Becca K.
Personal stylist, Ali and publicist, Becca K. (there are two Becca’s, two Brittanys, and four Laurens if you’re keeping track) both bring an interesting dimension to the Bachelor mansion; questionable taste in music. It’s not that Becca’s choice to name Sister Act 2 as her favorite album is wrong, because we all love to sing “Oh, Happy Day” with shy guy Ahmal. No, it’s that of all the talented musical artists in the world she picked a soundtrack from 1993. But honestly that’s nothing compared to Ali admitting she likes Nickelback.
This year they’re getting the glorified mix tape, Now That’s What I Call Music 64. Yes, they’re still making those and no it’s not 2001.
Way too Good for this
Ashley, Jenna, Nysha, Seinne
Ashley, Jenna, Nysha and Seinne are all beautiful, successful, well-spoken, and quality women. They’re orthopedic nurses and commerical real estate managers. They gave thoughtful responses to their application questions and seem like women who Arie would be lucky to date. Which begs the question, why did you sign up for this hot mess? Ladies, you are too good for this.
This year they’re getting a mug that says “you is good, you is kind, you is important” on it, because they clearly need the reminder.
See you soon, ladies
Bibiana, Krystal, Marikh, Valerie
No lie, I had finished this entire post when I realized I was missing these four women. Bibiana, Krystal, Marikh and Valerie were that forgettable. It’s not that they’re not gorgeous or funny, it’s that they’re only here to fill out the roster for this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.
This year they’re getting Wine, Bachelor, and Yoga Pants tank tops to wear in their Instagram stories so people will recognize them.
girl, run, save yourself
Chelsea, Caroline, Jenny
Every season of The Bachelor, there are a few women who arrive to the mansion with no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into. This time it’s Chelsea, Caroline and Jenny who are in for a surprise. Executive assistant, Chelsea hates “over-the-top PDA” so dating Arie the kissing bandit should be fun for her. Meanwhile, realtor Caroline thinks being married is “never being too old to dance in the rain”. Get back to me in 12 years and three c-sections, Caroline. Then there’s graphic designer Jenny whose greatest fear is “picking the wrong person to marry.” They’ve clearly never seen this show.
This year they’re getting former Bachelor villian and “winner” Courtney Robertson’s book I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends so they learn from her mistakes and not get engaged to Ben Flajnik.
My top picks
Annaliese and Tia
As always, I don’t read spoilers so my top picks are based entirely on intuition, personal biases, and an obnoxious wealth of Bachelor knowledge. That being said, I am placing 32 year-old event designer, Annaliese and 26 year-old physical therapist, Tia in my top two. Both of their bios were playful, thoughtful, and funny. Then again, I spent hours reading the cast bios of The Bachelor so my taste may be questionable.
This year they’re getting parental controls for their wireless devices so that they can’t search their names on Twitter. Don’t do it ladies, you’ll regret it.
Who are your top picks? Who do you already love to hate? Let’s talk in the comments, but first make sure to join our TN fantasy league for the chance to win prizes and bragging rights.
