Before moving on to talking all things premiere with our Vikings Recap – The Departed, we should probably revisit what happened last season as a refresher. So here goes: errrrrrrybody died. Got it? Okay, good talk.
That’s what I said, but did you listen? No, you did not.
But seriously, A LOT of folks kicked the bucket last season – crazy-eyed Norsemen (Ragnar – duh), butter-voiced silver foxes (Ecbert), guyliner-abusing lesser kings (Aelle) – so there’s some understandable trepidation about how the show is going to engage grieving fans going forward. The two-hour premiere gets us up to speed on what/who the survivors are planning to raid, betray and/or seduce!
Here are the top 5 moments of the Season 5 Vikings premiere:
Ragnar lives on
The episode picks up where last season left off, with Sigurd’s body still warm and axe-cleaved, and jumps right into the renewed conflicts among the brothers. With the loss of the man, the myth, the Ragnar, his sons are growing into their new roles as leaders, and each seems to have taken on a facet of their father’s personality. So, in a way you can say Ragnar is still with us, but in a more accurate way, he is actually still totally dead.
Ivar – The Warrior
Ivar seems to be contrite over “accidentally” committing fratricide, I mean, how could he have known that an ax to the chest at a high-velocity would be fatal? But don’t let his remorse that fool you, he is out for all the blood! He has already stated that he wants to conquer the world, and he seems just crazy enough to pull it off!
Ubbe – The Peacemaker
For all of Ragnar’s bloodthirst, his goal was always to live the life of a simple, deadly weapon-wielding farmer. Would there have been a point in Ragnar’s future when his conquests would have been enough, and he could settle down? We’ll never know, but Ubbe has inherited the mantle of peacemaker, and yearns to live the life Ragnar dreamed of.
Hvitserk – The Threesome One
Along with farming, Ragnar’s other dream (and, quite frankly, all of our dreams) was to have a threesome with Lagertha and Athelstan. It seems like Hvitserk’s main purpose at this point is as the third man in a (super gross) triangle with Ubbe and Magrette.
Bjorn – the Wanderer
As the eldest, Bjorn is expected to fix Ivar’s mess, and sort out his brothers’ power dynamics. But he has made it clear that he is over their nonsense.
Bjorn’s fate lies in the Mediterranean, and he prepares to set off on a Ragnar-esque search for new lands to farm (and by “farm,” I mean “pillage”). King Harald’s brother, Halfdan, excited by the prospect of sidekicking for someone new, sets off with Bjorn. Harald hides his hurt at being spurned by bidding Halfdan to “have fun with your new boyfriend,” and I’d like to let the show runners know that I am here for that plot twist.
Sigurd – the Dead One
And let’s not forget poor Sigurd, who seems to have the most in common with dear old dad, in that they are both currently dead. From the animosity brewing among the siblings, I have a feeling that Sigurd won’t be alone in that for long!
Ivar and Floki have some moments
Floki has undergone tremendous changes over the past season, not only in how in losing his family he lost his faith, but also in how his head hair has now fully migrated to his chin region. He is restless to go where the gods take him, but his imminent departure is clearly causing Ivar some pain. Floki seems to be the one guy who grounds Ivar, and lets him express his vulnerability. Like when he stabs us right in the feels about the death of Sigurd:
Stahhhhhhp! I just can’t.
Floki also takes no shit from Ivar, leading to this great moment at their final parting:
Hahahaha! I’m glad you’re off to spread your dickishness to new lands, Floks!
After many weeks at sea, Floki makes land in a mysterious place, whose steep rock faces and sparse vegetation had me expecting him to come face to face with old Luke Skywalker in some kind of cross dimensional, cross-promotional fantabulousness. (My second choice was for him to crest the peak to find that he landed exactly where he started, because that would serve him right for throwing Ragnar’s navigational tool overboard). Some weird waterfall physics and god-like entities (Loki?) suggest that maybe he’s found Asgard. I predict that maybe he will find the spiritual peace he craves here. Or porgs. Either on works for me.
Lagertha doesn’t know the meaning of the word “revenge.” Literally.
Back in Kattegatt, Harald has returned to bring news of the Viking triumph in Wessex – aka tend to his new kingdom now that Lagertha has been overthrown be his own minions, but is in for an unpleasant surprise when he finds Lagertha and her band of shield maidens still firmly in charge.
Oh hai, Lagertha.
Harald gamely tries to bargain his way out, but Lagertha shows some mettle and imprisons him. In a very Sex and the City moment, Lagertha and her crew sit around drinking mead, discussing the perils of being a woman in the Middle Ages, and debating most effective disemboweling methods. But Lagertha shuts her girlfriends down when they make it clear they are not happy with Lag’s decision to spare Harald’s life.
During a “totally not-conjugal” prison visit, Lagertha soundly rejects Harald’s desperate attempt to save his life by proposing marriage. Not only would she never deign to have him in her bed, she whips her knife and makes like she is going to remove a critical piece of his anatomy Earl Einar style! Yasssss! That’s how you deal with your enemies, Lagertha! You scrape that knife across his throat and heart, you cut his britches open, you grab that junk and . . . and you have super-angry sex with him?
I’m going to have to agree with your girl gang here, Lagertha: YOU ARE DOING REVENGING ALL WRONG.
The Bacheloer – Norway Edition
King Harald displays a host of valuable Vikings qualities: he’s ruthless, thuggish, and visibly parasite-infested. But he really does not have what it takes with the ladies. First, the “fiancee” he did good, hard raiding to win over married another guy. Then the very same love of his life was the victim of a tragic murder that tragically happened when Harald tragically murdered her. Now spurned by Lagertha, Harald turns his eye toward Lagertha’s paramour, Astrid, and chooses to woo her with a more “kidnapping-based” strategy.
Harald is shocked when yet another of his proposals is refused, moaning (again) about how he has no luck with women. BUT FOR ODIN’S SAKE LOOK AT YOURSELF! I know the Norse women are not known to fall for the grand romantic gestures, but could you not have at least washed your damn face, or maybe presented her with a fresh bouquet made from the skulls of your vanquished enemies! He is literally the worst Bachelor ever. You are never gonna get the rose with your weak game!
This look
Mmmhmmm, I likes me the butter-voiced pagan killers
Athelstan-in-absentia loomed large in this episode. First we get to see his son, Alfred, all growed-up, then witness as Athelstan appears to Alfred from beyond the grave to guide Aethelwulf’s next move. We are also introduced to Christian warrior Bishop Heahmund, whose righteous devotion to the Lord, and penchant for communion with his lady-parishoners, may make him just Judith’s type. At least now we know the real 9th century origin of the famous “Distracted BF” meme!
The Middle Ages says “you’re welcome”
It seems like the show is responding to the loss of its center by whipping up a bunch of conflict on all fronts, and I’m okay with that. After talking with Alex Hogh Anderson about Ivar, I’m interested to see if this character becomes more relatable, and is able to fill Ragnar’s shoes, or will another brother step up to become leader? I’m also starting to love the “triumvirate of assholes” – Ivar, Heahmund and Harald. Their shenanigans promise to throw all kinds of wrenches in all sorts of works.
Lagertha’s plot line feels like it’s suffering from the blahs because she has reached a kind of equilibrium in Kattegatt. But trailers seems to tease some major updets going down in the future, and I’m really glad to see her relationship with Astrid (who I loathed last season) get shaken up. Things are shaping up to get interesting in Vikings world, leaving me with just one more question:
WHERE THE HELL IS ROLLO???
Where.is.you.at.Bae.
Tune in next week when we (hopefully) find out!! Until then,
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How are you feeling about the premiere? Do you think Ivar has what it takes to fill Ragnar’s boots? Did the super-violent sack of York kind of have you rooting against the Vikings? Can you not wait for Heahmund and Ivar to come face to face? Where do you think Rollo is?
