This week on Bachelor in Paradise: Jack Stone kissed everyone, America hates Dean, Christen really loves scallops, no one likes Blake, and the twins finally arrived. If this is what qualifies as paradise we should all take our chances in hell.
Here are the moments I didn’t fast forward through from week four.
That Moment When you can’t stop laughing
It took nearly three hours to get to them, but the wait was mostly worth it once the twins arrived in Paradise. I adore them. Haley and Emily are the perfect combination of dumb and self-aware wrapped up in spokesmodel bodies. It doesn’t hurt that they were clearly being paid to show up and cause problems. Which they did masterfully. When they weren’t complimenting one another’s vaginas or browbeating the men for turning down their dates, they were comparing D-Lo’s personality to a wall and throwing scallops off a staircase. There’s nothing I didn’t love about it. I only wish they’d shown up sooner.
Honorable Mention: When Diggy said “at this point you should be glad if Blake takes your girl on a date, because she’ll come back and appreciate you more.”
That moment when you believe in love again
Ugh, fine, Robby and Amanda are kinda cute together. There, I said it.
Honorable Mention: No one loves anyone on this season as much as Blake loves Whaboom.
That moment when you need to fan yourself
If you’re dumb enough to tell all of your girl friends in Paradise that the guy you’re dating is a bad kisser, don’t be surprised when they all start making out with him to judge for themselves. I’m fairly certain that’s just considered part of the scientific method in Mexico. In this case, Christen told everyone that Jack Stone’s kissing skills could use some work. So the rest of the women gave him some practice. Like, all of the women. Finger’s crossed the pre-filming STD screening included a mono test.
Honorable Mention: Was Fred always that hot?
That moment when you throw the remote at the tv
In only took four week’s in Paradise for Dean to go from America’s sweetheart to the face you imagine when you punch the dummy in self-defense class. If I had to hear Dean tell Kristina to “be patient” with him while he actively cheated on her one more time, I was going to borrow his dad’s gong and start a drum circle in his neighboring apartment. Dean, I loved you, you’re gorgeous, I’d consider stealing some of your sperm to make blue eyed babies; but, until you grow up, you’re dead to me.
Honorable Mention: Go home to your dog, Ben Z. no one cares.
That moment when you consider signing up for this show
Having the chance to smack Robby in the nuts through his jeggings, like Jack Stone did, would almost make Paradise worth it.
Honorable Mention: When Wells said, “Why are you fighting for someone who is not fighting for you?” about Dean to Kristina.
That moment when you’d never sign up for this show
There are few things we love more in Bachelor Nation than an ongoing inside joke; however, calling Christen “scallops fingers” behind her back isn’t one I’m fond of. Sure, it’s hilarious seeing her eat shellfish at every turn. Even I laughed at Wells wearing scallops on his fingertips like olives from grandma’s relish plate at Thanksgiving dinner. However, the nickname started from a place of malice when Jasmine was mad at Christen. She was never in on the joke, she’s only ever been the butt of it, and she didn’t deserve to be. It’s a little too mean girl, even for me.
Honorable mention: Can we stop fetishizing Jaimi’s bisexuality now? K, thanks, bye
Next week is the season finale! We should get fantasy suites, a whole lot of break-ups and maybe even an engagement or two. Who do you think will make it? Are there any real couples in Paradise? Do you love the twins as much as I do? Let’s talk in the comments!
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*images courtesy of ABC
